WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

FOUND AT LAST IN IRAQ

"WE TOLD YOU SO,"

SAYS DELIGHTED RUMSFELD

Special Report by D.I.

Mr. Rumsfeld told reporters that the fields of peas (see below) clearly constitute a chemical weapons programme, especially as they were being sprayed with pesticides that would cause premature death for anyone eating them, let alone those being shot by them. He also said they were investigating the Syrian connection and reports that Iran may be developing pop guns."This is terrorism of the worst kind," said Rumsfeld, "it is a threat to the pea, sorry free, world and thoroughly justifies the mass murder of thousands of Iraqi children."

NEW BLAIR DOSSIER ON

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND

THE WAR ON TERRORISM

Tony Blair today published his latest dossier on weapons of mass destruction and the need to remove terrorist regimes who are planning to use them. The dossier, called War and Peas, was produced by intelligence experts at the publication, Pea Farmers Weekly Intelligence Review. It claims that peas could be deployed against the West within 45 minutes. "Our intelligence suggests that this could happen even quicker," said Mr. Blair, "If they turn up the gas and bring them to the boil earlier."

"We must meet this threat immediately," he said. "If we wait, if we do not have the courage of our convictions to act, our intelligence suggests that within one year the terrorists will have developed an even more devastating weapon to use against us - heat seeking carrots."

Mr. Blair was then driven away from Downing Street accompanied by men in white coats. "Have you any more to say about the vegetables?" reporters shouted as he left."No," Mr. Blair responded, "It is not my policy to comment on Mr.. Bush and his cabinet."