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A smiling Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told the world's media at the Pentagon today that it has been confirmed that a massive cache of pea shooters of the type pictured below have been unearthed near Mosul in the north of Iraq. Also, in an unpopulated region close to the Syrian border, US troops discovered large fields designed to supply the ammunition for these weapons, i..e. peas. On the right below is an example of the ammunition found at the site (picture courtesy of the US Army).
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WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
FOUND AT LAST IN IRAQ
"WE TOLD YOU SO,"
SAYS DELIGHTED RUMSFELD
Special Report by D.I.
Mr. Rumsfeld told reporters that the fields of peas (see below) clearly constitute a chemical weapons programme, especially as they were being sprayed with pesticides that would cause premature death for anyone eating them, let alone those being shot by them. He also said they were investigating the Syrian connection and reports that Iran may be developing pop guns."This is terrorism of the worst kind," said Rumsfeld, "it is a threat to the pea, sorry free, world and thoroughly justifies the mass murder of thousands of Iraqi children."
NEW BLAIR DOSSIER ON
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND
THE WAR ON TERRORISM
Tony Blair today published his latest dossier on weapons of mass destruction and the need to remove terrorist regimes who are planning to use them. The dossier, called War and Peas, was produced by intelligence experts at the publication, Pea Farmers Weekly Intelligence Review. It claims that peas could be deployed against the West within 45 minutes. "Our intelligence suggests that this could happen even quicker," said Mr. Blair, "If they turn up the gas and bring them to the boil earlier."
"We must meet this threat immediately," he said. "If we wait, if we do not have the courage of our convictions to act, our intelligence suggests that within one year the terrorists will have developed an even more devastating weapon to use against us - heat seeking carrots."
Mr. Blair was then driven away from Downing Street accompanied by men in white coats. "Have you any more to say about the vegetables?" reporters shouted as he left."No," Mr. Blair responded, "It is not my policy to comment on Mr.. Bush and his cabinet."
Original: UNIVERSAL EXCLUSIVE: " WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION FOUND AT LAST IN IRAQ "