ONE FULL YEAR OF SMOKIN' 'N' GITTIN'
By Jay O'Three

CINCINNATI, OH - 10/7/02 In front of a hand-picked invitation only audience here today, President MORON reiterated his standard laundry list of excuses for a unilateral invasion of Iraq. One year to the day after he began smokin' out Usama bin Laden, and gittin' him on the run, and gittin' him, he took a small amount of time out from his rigorous fundraising schedule to blow a new smokescreen around the second phase of his all-petroleum agenda. Reminding us once again that Hussein tried to git his Daddy, he strung together a series of transgressions by his Daddy's nemesis. He also once again tried to assert falsely that Hussein and Iraq had something to do with the hijacking of airplanes on September 11, 2001. He attempted to deflect criticism about the timing of this renewed effort, but was unable to come up with any reason why this should be decided before the midterm election other than the fact that Banana Republicans standing for reelection have no other issue on which to run. He said that we should not wait for a smoking gun in the form of a mushroom cloud because Hussein had ordered some aluminum tubes. Although he did not explain how to use aluminum as the fuel for an atomic bomb, he assured us that in Iraq, the laws of physics are not only different, but that they are conveniently skewed to allow dictators to do magical things which can only be dreamed of in the rest of the world. He closed with this cryptical analysis, "I know the 'War on Terra' isn't goin' well, an' we may never git bin Laden, but we need a new enemy now, because there's an election at stake. We may not ever git Hussein either, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't start a new war. I'm always allowed to spend as much as I want durin' a war. I may not know a thing about the economy, and of course, I don't really care, but my administration has to be about somethin'. So, even though I never went to war, I'd love to send your sons and daughters."