ONE FULL YEAR OF SMOKIN' 'N' GITTIN'
By Jay O'Three

CINCINNATI, OH - 10/7/02 In front of a hand-picked invitation only audience here today, President MORON reiterated his standard laundry list of excuses for a unilateral invasion of Iraq. One year to the day after he began smokin' out Usama bin Laden, and gittin' him on the run, and gittin' him, he took a small amount of time out from his rigorous fundraising schedule to blow a new smokescreen around the second phase of his all-petroleum agenda. Reminding us once again that Hussein tried to git his Daddy, he strung together a series of transgressions by his Daddy's nemesis. He also once again tried to assert falsely that Hussein and Iraq had something to do with the hijacking of airplanes on September 11, 2001. He attempted to deflect criticism about the timing of this renewed effort, but was unable to come up with any reason why this should be decided before the midterm election other than the fact that Banana Republicans standing for reelection have no other issue on which to run. He said that we should not wait for a smoking gun in the form of a mushroom cloud because Hussein had ordered some aluminum tubes. Although he did not explain how to use aluminum as the fuel for an atomic bomb, he assured us that in Iraq, the laws of physics are not only different, but that they are conveniently skewed to allow dictators to do magical things which can only be dreamed of in the rest of the world. He closed with this cryptical analysis, "I know the 'War on Terra' isn't goin' well, an' we may never git bin Laden, but we need a new enemy now, because there's an election at stake. We may not ever git Hussein either, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't start a new war. I'm always allowed to spend as much as I want durin' a war. I may not know a thing about the economy, and of course, I don't really care, but my administration has to be about somethin'. So, even though I never went to war, I'd love to send your sons and daughters."

UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.


"As a shining beacon of freedom and democracy, America has inspired the world," said Bush in his 25-minute address. "With its military might, it has kept the peace and bravely defended the unalienable [sic] rights of millions around the globe. In this spirit, I call upon the world's nations to support my proposal to give America unrestricted carte blanche to remove whatever leaders, plunder whatever resources, and impose whatever policies it deems necessary or expedient."

According to top Bush Administration officials, if the measure is passed by the U.N.—and possibly if it is not—the U.S. would immediately launch invasions of Iraq, North Korea, and Cuba; establish oil-drilling operations in Siberia; install nuclear-missile silos in Mongolia along the Chinese border; make English the official language of the planet; detain thousands of Middle Eastern nationals currently in the U.S. on temporary visas; begin each day with a moment of worldwide prayer; and prohibit Japan and Germany from manufacturing automobiles.

In addition, no demonstration against U.S. actions by any foreign nation or individual would be permitted. Any such protestation would be deemed a high crime subject to a U.N. tribunal, with those found guilty flown to Texas for execution by lethal injection.

"After the unspeakable events of last Sept. 11, the U.S. was deeply touched by the outpouring of support and condolences from our neighbors and allies the world over," Bush said. "This kindness played a vital role in our national healing process, but, more importantly, it cemented our long-standing self-image as the country, with all other nations lumped together into a vague, foreign Other Place. I call upon you now to join us in our vision of America as the only country whose wishes matter."

Bush then turned to the pressing issue of Iraq.

"Despite repeated American efforts to change the situation, Saddam Hussein defiantly continues his longtime policy of being the president of Iraq," Bush said. "The time has come for this man to step down, because we want him to."


Above: A sampling of the details of the Bush plan.
In addition to enabling the U.S. to address foreign crises, Bush said his plan will help solve many of the nation's domestic problems.

"While there exist many grave threats to America abroad, we suffer still more problems—from unemployment to a lack of quality, affordable housing—right here at home," Bush said. "After this resolution is passed, we will begin a 10-year project to clean out our nation's landfills and toxic-waste sites, transport the materials to Central American jungles, and build low-cost housing on the newly cleared land. This would solve the housing shortage, create thousands of construction jobs, and improve our nation's environment, all in one fell swoop."

As much of a boon as it would be to America, Bush stressed that his plan will also benefit the rest of the world, giving foreigners greater access than ever to American goods and entertainment.

"From the Beijing businessman who treats his family to dinner at KFC to the New Delhi textile worker who unwinds after a hard day's work by watching Friends, the world community has embraced our many wonderful cultural and commercial exports," Bush said. "As part of my plan, the U.S. will be allowed to export its products tariff-free, while other countries' goods will be subject to heavy taxes. This will help ensure that people the world over will continue to enjoy our computers, DVDs, and soft drinks, free of the clutter of competing non-American goods on their store shelves."

Bush concluded his speech by calling upon the U.N. to fly an extra-large U.S. flag outside its headquarters, high above the other member nations' flags.

"From the Monroe Doctrine to our ignoring of the Kyoto Treaty, America has always boldly defied the powers that be. Ever since its founding, this great nation has courageously asserted its will, bravely tuning out the objections of the other nations of the world," Bush said at the speech's conclusion. "I urge you today, do not let that legacy die. Allow us to continue our long-standing tradition of getting our way."

Global reaction to Bush's plan has been mixed, with 56 percent of Americans in support and 100 percent of non-Americans strongly opposed.

That is the only way to describe the Left's reaction to the simple logic and wisdom of Mr. Bush.

They can think of no other response then to (a) call him stupid and (b) pretend he said things he didn't.

t-mex is a cop.

or, just another clueless libertarian loser with obviously FAR too much time on his hands, who should maybe call the fbi and see if he can get some compensation for doing their job for them.

tweet tweet.

t-mex is a cop.

or, just another clueless libertarian loser with obviously FAR too much time on his hands, who should maybe call the fbi and see if he can get some compensation for doing their job for them.

tweet tweet.