Biotech Company Adapts Acne Pus to Relieve Arthritis and Hemorrhoid Pain

Elmira, PA -- Researchers at Novagen have successfully spliced a gene that produces the natural analgesic morphine into human sebaceous glands. The gene, which is extracted from the hosts own DNA, is passed on through the mother, so subsequent generations will benefit from this modification.

"Hold the zit cream," laughs Wayne Ferrar, chief scientist in charge of the new human organism, dubbed AcneGesic. In fifteen years, teenagers might be laughing all the way to the bank. The pus bank, that is, where thousands of teens are expected to undergo pus extraction, to "mine" their faces and backs for valuable morphine filled pimples.

Parents are happy too, like Loretta Goodson who said she'd undergo gene therapy so that her kids "would have a way to pay for college." The advertising campaign for AcneGesic also touts the fact that AcneGesic toddlers are less likely to be hyperactive. "They sleep a lot more," explained Ferrar.

Not everyone is happy, though. Earlier this week, a protest group named Coalition For A Drug Free Pimple picketed the headquarters of Novagen. One protester who declined to be identified asked "dude, morphine is hella cheap this month, and who the hell is going to rub their asshole with a kid's nose cheese? Come on."

Novagen had no comment about the protest.