As you know we have the pleasure of hosting the Democratic National Convention from August 14th to the 17th. Because this is a high profile political event, we are anticipating hundreds, if not thousands, of filthy political agitators. These are people with nothing better to do with their lives than to "fight for the rights of the underprivileged". What an absurd idea! There are no underprivileged here in our beautiful city or any where else on god’s green earth. None the less, these people are hell bent on expressing their beliefs through means both fair and foul. Amongst these political agitators are a small group of mainly middle class white kids looking to satiate their apetite for macho behavior, they are the Anarchists.
As you may or may not know I own several properties within the vicinity of the Staples Center. They are The Pantry at 877 S. Figueroa and Original Pantry Bakery & Sandwich Shop at 875 Figueroa St. It is of the utmost importance that nothing happen to these historic landmarks while the convention is in town. The Anarchists will be looking to smash the windows or otherwise vandalize property which they deem "Capitalist", and it is my hope that they can see the contribution given to our community by my fine establishments and will not even think of vandalizing my property. If they do wish to vandalize property, rest assured that the honorable LAPD will take quick action in repressing their actions and keep them away from the Financial District and instead herd them toward South Broadway where they can vandalize the poor wetback’s stalls and outlets. I repeat, they will not be driven up Figueroa or Flower St. where they may vandalize upstanding businesses like Macy's and Starbucks.
Remember, I own both The Pantry at 877 S. Figueroa and Original Pantry Bakery & Sandwich Shop at 875 Figueroa St. they are both located within walking distance from the Staples Center. It is of the utmost importance that all Angelenos take part in the preservation and unending accumulation of my wealth and keep these properties from harm.
Sincerely, Richard Riordan Mayor of Los Angeles and owner of both The Pantry
877 S. Figueroa and
Original Pantry Bakery & Sandwich Shop
875 Figueroa St.