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Relationships in a Free Society

by EvansPress Tuesday, Dec. 29, 2009 at 9:59 PM

For people interested in choosing to improve relationships either with themselves, their friends, family, lovers, society in general, or all of the above, I have some suggestions about scientifically proven methods and information which may be helpful.

Relationships in a Free Society*

By Nicholas Evans


For people interested in choosing to improve relationships either with themselves, their friends, family, lovers, society in general, or all of the above, I have some suggestions about scientifically proven methods and information which may be helpful.

Improving a Self Relationship:

The best method I have found is the Sedona Method. This method has been scientifically validated by Harvard University to reduce stress and have other positive affects. 1. The method is done with little or no effort on the part of the person practicing the method. The whole method simply suggests that the person practicing the method should mentally let go of whatever emotion they are feeling at the moment (whether positive or negative). For those interested I put how to do this method below at the **.

Another method which takes only a little bit of time is called the Relax Response. It has been scientifically proven to be helpful by Harvard University. 2.

It is also scientifically proven that people can change their attitude to a more positive one. 3.

Another method is just to practice having a positive attitude under all circumstances. As a Mayo Clinic study notes:

"...the manner in which people attempt to understand or explain the causes of stressful or adverse life events—particularly the use of a pessimistic explanatory style—can significantly undermine their psychologic and physiologic functioning… ...optimists are less likely to develop depression and learned helplessness... with fewer tendencies to self-blame and catastrophic thinking." 4.

In other words, being positive means the body and mind are more likely to be healthier, so there is a better chance for the individual (regardless what their situation is) to achieve their goals. (including organizing federations, organizations, clubs ect.)

Of course, regarding the tips on improving relationships with others below, other family members or friends would have to want to improve their relationships you as well. If they don’t want too, one could still use the Sedona method or other methods for one’s self, in order to improve one’s own personal life and health for the better, in order to better achieve whatever other goals one may have.

Improving Friendships:

According to the Mayo clinic maintaining healthy relationships involves giving and taking.

Suggested pointers include:

- finding out when the best times to communicate with them are and respecting those boundaries

- Co-operate rather then compete

- improving ones own honesty, and generosity will improve self esteem and be more appealing

- listen to your friends: “Make a point to ask what's going on in the lives of your friends. Don't talk about your own problems all the time. Friendships can't last when you're self-absorbed.”

- being positive is helpful 5.

Improving Family Relationships:

For families who are open to improving their relationships, here are some suggested tips:

According to David Niven, Ph. D. from his book 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families:

“Be a Good Friend: Looked at from a distance, a family is infinitely complex. But looked at from the most basic level, a family is a series of personal relationships, and those relationships are like any other close, important relationship in your life. Treat your family members as you would treat a friend -- as if you have chosen to be in their company and wish them to choose to be in yours -- and you will have taken the most important, most fundamental step toward having a rewarding family life…

Researchers studying those who enjoyed close family relationships and close friendships find that the key factors to both are the same, including a strong desire to be in the company of others and to value them. Moreover, they find that people can increase their receptivity to close relationships if they want to.” 6.

So improving friendships in families (which may already have very good friendships of course) can help improve family relationships. It might therefore be helpful to look to the section above on improving friendships in order to improve family relationships.

Improving Sexual Relationships:

According to WebMd. Suggested pointers for improving sexual relationships include listening:

-“The experts agree on this point -- listening, truly listening, can reduce conflict, boost trust, and lead to a more satisfying partnership. Listening may sound simple, but it requires more than being in the same room while your better half is speaking. Signal that you care by turning off the television, offering your undivided attention, and making eye contact. And don't forget to follow up on what you hear.”

-Touch more often if you touch sparingly

- According to Kate Wachs, PhD focus on the positives. 7.

For whatever reason, friendships, family relationships, and sexual relationships are sometimes confused with dominance or control. Sometimes objectification can occur. In sexual relationships, it is usually thought to be men that objectify women but women could objectify men as well. What is objectification?

“Societal objectification means turning a woman [or man-ed] into a thing. Sexual objectification, or sexualization, means turning a woman [or man] into a sexual thing. In both cases, the ‘thing' is defined as one dimensional, and incapable of independent thought, autonomous decision making and/or self-sufficiency.” 8.

For instance, using the Sedona Method can be useful in learning to let go of the hierarchical attitudes (ie. objectification) held in the mind, or perceived to be held in the body (even in the reproductive organs ie. wanting to dominate or control others with the reproductive organs). If you’re a positive person, it can be used to let go of the positive emotions for even more positive emotions. 9. ***

Some women have acted in passive aggressive ways in a relationship, but men have as well. This relationship is co-dependence. Being overtly aggressive is co-dependence as well.

The human reproductive organs:

It may also be good to know that a person’s reproductive organs are perfect. In the West, I think the attitude that reproductive organs are shameful, or embarrassing ect. may have come from an interpretation of the Christian Bible when apparently Adam and Eve felt shame for not wearing clothes after they took a bite from the apple. 10.

What about age of consent?

Sexual play between children of similar ages is normal. 11.

Sex between teenagers of similar ages is normal. 12.

In a situation with a younger person like a teenager and an adult who is much older, it seems to me, if mutual sexual relationships are the goal, it might be good if sexual relationships are carried out between individuals with fully developed reproductive organs. Human sexual organs typically mature around 17-19 years of age. 13. At around 18 years of age, the brain is also considered mature enough to be responsible for short and long term decisions. 14. Therefore, perhaps the age of consent could be around 18 years old when involving teenagers and much older adults. This way, since individuals involved are all physically sexually matured, and mentally capable of long term decisions, there is equality of opportunity. Equality in this sense is important in my opinion.

Regarding attitude and its impact on society

It has been scientifically demonstrated that negative thinking leads to unhealthy physical health, dependence on others, long term self destructive behavior, 15. while being positive and having good thoughts of ones body and others leads to independent, productive, healthy, self-reliant relationships. 16. A recent scientific study also demonstrates that people naturally enjoy working together. According to

“…our study found consistently cooperative actors even in places you might least expect them,…says Prof. Weber. “Their clear, consistent behavior elicits cooperation, and once you get a few people cooperating with each other, they seem to enjoy cooperating. Groups become more productive, more economically efficient and, anecdotally, people enjoy being a part of them more as a result.” 17.

The study presented by on people enjoying co-operation makes sense, since according to the Cambridge Encyclopedia of Hunters and Gatherers, the main rule of hunter-gatherer groups is sharing. 18. Simple hunter-gatherers are also relatively egalitarian. 19.The simple hunter-gatherer way of life is the way humans have lived for 90 percent of human history. 20.

Regarding independent, productive, creative, self-reliant relationships:

The more independent, free, self reliant and creative people are, the better they and the rest of society are. As the economist Stanford notes, if there is not too much competition or not too much supply, and investors are optimistic about the future, they increase their investments. This stimulates growth, strong demand conditions, and healthy profits, thus validating their original optimism. When investors are pessimistic, they cut back their spending. But this undermines growth, sales, and profits- and ironically can actually leave companies worse off than they were before they cut their spending. 21.

Examples can be seen in Spain when people were self reliant, independent, free and creative. The CNT confederation and FAI federations were directly democratic organizations who encouraged people to run their businesses and workplaces and organizations in a directly-democratic fashion. 22. The results were good.

In Catalonia and Barcelona, small and medium democratic businesses somehow managed to pay their workers wages even when there was no work due to the war. 23.

In Aragon, where most villages operated democratically and co-operated without a market, production increased by a fifth. Their emphasis on human freedom and their economic system was considered a success. 24.

They also closed down unhealthy work places and replaced or fixed them and created healthy working environments. 25.

In areas where people were forced to work, they did not produce very well and would rebel. In areas were people were free to work in their villages or workshops through their own democratic control, or were free to work on their own if they did not agree with the current society, they were generally happy. These more happy communities also produced more efficiently. 26.

Of course, I think if people want to have Patriarchal or Matriarchal attitudes and share those attitudes with others who choose to accept them it is certainly fine.

However, it might be good to know the more a society is based in mutual, positive relationships, the more productive and creative it will become. 27.

* I made this article for myself as well, in order to learn from the information as I made extremely unfortunate mistakes when it came to relationships of all types in the past. However, I learned from my mistakes in order not to continue the same patterns in the future.

** For anyone interested, in the section below, I give an example of how to use the simple and scientifically proven stress reduction technique called the Sedona Method:

Say for example you are feeling very angry (or any emotion) because of certain events that have happened to you in the past or is still happening presently or something you may have done in the past. It does not matter. What you do next is as follows:

Step 1. (this part may be pretty tough especially if it is your first time using this technique, but if you follow through with this technique things will be much better off for you) First you would accept your emotion, it would not matter if it were a negative or positive emotion. This example is using the emotion of anger. So you have accepted the emotion of anger is within you (if you cannot accept the emotion, that is OK too)

Step 2. Let the anger just be. (if you cannot that is OK too)

Step 3. Then simply let the anger go. (if you cannot that is OK too)

If you were able to do all three parts you may feel like a bit lighter like a bit of weight has been lifted off your chest. Or some other nice feeling. But if nothing was felt that is fine too. Basically that is the entire method, just take whatever emotion you have and accept it, let the emotion be, then let the emotion go. With a quiet mind, we can think sharper and clearer in order to change our circumstances for the better. If you want a much better in depth explanation and professional advice on how to do the method it is encouraged that you look into the book 'The Sedona Method: Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success, Peace, and Emotional Well-Being' By Hale Dwoskin.

*** The method can also be used for people who wish to live with no sex


1. The Sedona Method. Scientific Evidence that Using The Sedona Method May Result in Emotional Wellness The Sedona Method: Sedona, AZ. Retrieved on June 20, 2009 from

“A pilot research study was conducted on The Sedona Method by Dr. Richard J. Davidson of the State University of New York in collaboration with Dr. David C. McClelland of The Department of Social Relations at Harvard University. Dr. Davidson has been associated with some of the best research in the field of stress reduction, and Dr. McClelland is an internationally known authority…These researchers concluded: The Sedona Method is an outstanding technique “for its simplicity, efficiency, absence of questionable concepts and rapidity of observable results.” The scientific results support the experience of most graduates who report that they are calmer in difficult situations after having learned The Sedona Method.” The method was developed by the brilliant physicist Lester Levenson.

2. “But we can develop healthier ways of responding to them. One way is to invoke the relaxation response, through a technique first developed in the 1970s at Harvard Medical School by cardiologist Dr. Herbert Benson. The relaxation response is a state of profound rest that can be elicited in many ways…”

The Harvard Medical School. Relaxation Techniques: Breath Control Helps Quell Errant Stress Response. Harvard Medical School: Family Health Guide. (2006) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

3. "According to Research News in Science... studies conducted at the University of California, Davis showed that those who kept weekly gratitude journals were more likely to exercise regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms and felt better about their lives as a whole.

...A simple exercise for you to cultivate optimum optimism could be as simple as keeping a journal next to your bed. Upon rising write down something you are grateful for in your life. Before you lay down at night, write down something you are thankful for that happened that day." Focus on Your Attitude and You’ll Live Longer!! Optimum Wellness: Oct. 2, 2008. Retrieved Jan 30, 2009 from:

4. TOSHIHIKO MARUTA, MD; ROBERT C. COLLIGAN, PHD; MICHAEL MALINCHOC, MS; KENNETH P. OFFORD, MS .. 'Optimists vs Pessimists: Survival Rate Among Medical Patients Over a 30-Year Period' Mayo Clinic: Mayo Clinic Proceedings. 2000. Retrieved Oct. 2009 from:

5. May Clinic Staff. Friendships: Enrich Your Life and Improve Your Health. Adult Health (4-17-2009) Retrieved 11-28-2009 from:

6. Morales, Tatiana. Recipe For A Happy Family: Author David Niven Shares In '100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families'. CBS New York. (May 26, 2004) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

About David Niven. “David Niven, Ph.D., is the author of the best-selling 100 Simple Secrets book series (HarperSanFrancisco).

David's books unlock the best information available from scientific research and present it in a way anyone can understand it and use it in their lives today…the 100 Simple Secrets have helped bring equal measures of science and inspiration into countless lives.”

(Author unknown) David Niven’s Simple Secrets:About the Author. David Nevin’s Simple Secrets. The Man Behind the Book (Date unknown) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

7. Rauh, Sherry. Get Closer to Your Mate: WebMD gives you five tips for a healthy relationship. Health and Sex. (Reviewed 6-24-2009) Retrieved 11-29-2009:

8. Formica, Michael. Considerations on the Objectification and Sexualization of Women in Post-modern Culture: God and the Objectification and Sexualization of Women. Psychology June 2, 2008. Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

9. Please see: Dwoskin, Hale. The Sedona Method. Sedona Press: First Edition (August, 2003)

10. “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed…she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat

…And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.” Genesis 1. Bible Standard Edition: pp 1. Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

Despite being critical of religion, Libertarians (ie. Tucker, Bakunin, Proudhon, Berkman ect) do respect freedom of religion. The CNT and FAI Libertarian organizations did support freedom of religion in Spain. Bolloten noted Churches in the Basque region weren’t touched. Thomas mentions Protestant churches were not attacked. Fraiser notes Catholics were part of the CNT. For more information please see the original un-edited version of ‘Freedom of Religion in Libertarian Spain’ by Nicholas Evans.

11. Fairfaxcountygov. Understanding Sexual Behaviors of Children. (date unknown) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

12. Jayson, Sharon. Report: Teenagers often shun condoms. USA Today: Health and Behavior. (8-2-2006) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

13. Medline Plus. Puberty and Adolescence. Medline Plus Medical Encyclopedia. (Updated: 10-18-2008) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

“In girls, puberty is usually complete by age 17.”

For boys it is around the same time as well but a little older.

Palo Alto Medical Foundation. Puberty: Physical Changes for Males. (2009) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

14. “A dividing line of age 18 is better than 15 and not necessarily superior to 19 or 17, but it appears good enough to be justified scientifically, he said.”

Ritter, Malcolm. Scientists: Teen Brain Still Maturing. The Washington Post. (12-2-2007) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

15. TOSHIHIKO MARUTA, MD; ROBERT C. COLLIGAN, PHD; MICHAEL MALINCHOC, MS; KENNETH P. OFFORD, MS .. 'Optimists vs Pessimists: Survival Rate Among Medical Patients Over a 30-Year Period' Mayo Clinic: Mayo Clinic Proceedings. 2000. Retrieved Oct. 2009 from:

16. TOSHIHIKO MARUTA, MD; ROBERT C. COLLIGAN, PHD; MICHAEL MALINCHOC, MS; KENNETH P. OFFORD, MS .. 'Optimists vs Pessimists: Survival Rate Among Medical Patients Over a 30-Year Period' Mayo Clinic: Mayo Clinic Proceedings. 2000. Retrieved Oct. 2009 from:

17. Nice Guys Can Finish First and So Can Their Teams. Science Daily: Science News. (3-16-2009) Retrieved 11-29-2009 from:

A different study {Sad Workers May Make Better Workers. (June 14, 2001)}has also shown that sad workers can be very productive, however Dr. Maruta of the Optimists vs. Pessimists study notes, negative people tend to have a larger chance for self destructive behaviors in the long run. Thus sad workers have a larger chance to disrupt their productivity through self destructive behaviors.

18. Lee, Richard B., Daly, Richard. The Cambridge Encyclopedia of Hunters and Gatherers. Cambridge University Press: Cambridge, UK. (2004) pp 4

19. Ibid. In his book, Constant Battles LeBlanc notes: “This earliest human social organization was egalitarian.” LeBlanc, Steven. Constant Battles: The Myth of the Peaceful, Noble Savage. St. Martin's Press: New York. 2003 pp 102 Simple Hunter-Gatherers were relatively peaceful. Ferguson and Fry note this, as do Keeley and Leblanc. For instance Keeley notes: “As we noted in Chapter 2, some of the most peaceful nonstate societies in the world had very low population densities… Most of these peaceable groups prevented intergroup disputes and conflicts from escalating into armed violence by fleeing from their adversaries. But this option can be exercised only under conditions where possessions are portable and essential resources, however scarce, are widely distributed.” Keeley, Lawrence. War Before Civilization New York: Oxford University Press. 1996 pp 31 For quotes by LeBlanc and more information please see: ‘The Relatively Peaceful Societies of Simple Hunter-Gatherers’ by Nicholas Evans (2009)

20. Ibid. Back cover.

21. Stanford, Jim. Economics for Everyone: A Short Guide to the Economics of Capitalism. Ann Arbor: MI., Pluto Press. 2008. pp 145

Capitalism is a competitive market system where employers pay themselves more money than their employees for the same amount of time working.

Market Socialism is a competitive market system with self employment, democratic businesses, and where employers pay their employees enough to buy back the general value of what they produce. Please see:

Marx, Karl. Capital Volume 1 England: Penguin Classics (reprint) 1990 pp. 676.

Proudhon, Pierre-Joseph. What is Property? New York: Cosmo Classics., 2007 pp 129

Also please see ‘Libertarian Mutualism in Libertarian Spain’ (2009) by Nicholas Evans

Stanford, Jim. Economics for Everyone: A Short Guide to the Economics of Capitalism. Ann Arbor: MI., Pluto Press. 2008. Pp. 36

22. Dolgoff, Sam. The Anarchist Collectives. Brooklyn, NewYork: Free Life Editions., 1974. pp 13 The C.N.T. and F.A.I. were influenced by Bakunin. Please see: The Anarchist Collectives by Sam Dolgoff. As Bakunin states: “Neither society, nor any part of society- commune, province, or nation- has the right to prevent free individuals from associating freely for any purpose whatsoever: political, religious, scientific, artistic…” Bakunin, Michael; Dolgoff, Sam (editor). Bakunin on Anarchy. New York: Random House Inc. (1972) Pg. 82 Following the views of Bakunin, the C.N.T.-F.A.I. respected freedom of religion and freedom of speech. In areas under C.N.T.-F.A.I. control or in areas allianced with the C.N.T.-F.A.I., churches that physically left the C.N.T.-F.A.I. alone were left free. "Protestant churches were not attacked, and remained open." Thomas, Hugh. The Spanish Civil War. New York, USA: Touchstone. (1986) pp 269 and "In the Basque provinces nobody attacked the Church or interfered with religious worship..." Bolloten, Burnett. The Grand Camouflage. London: Pall Mall Press. (1968) pp 40 Various Catholic churches were attacked/burned, but this was because they were working with the Fascists. The official international C.N.T.-F.A.I. representative Goldman notes regarding Basque churches and priests that were allianced with the C.N.T.-F.A.I.: “The very fact that no churches were burned in that part of Spain and no priests killed by the Anti-Fascist forces should be proof…It certainly proves that the Basque Catholics joined forces with the anti-Fascists whereas the rest of Catholic Spain joined forces with Franco.” Goldman, Emma; Porter, David (editor). Vision on Fire: Emma Goldman on the Spanish Revolution. Oakland: AK Press. pp 231-232 Regarding freedom of Speech: “As far as the CNT-FAI were concerned, Gabriel Jackson, a historian who cannot be accused of sympathizing with the revolution, has never the less noted that: ‘the anarchists made a constant effort to separate active political enemies from those who were simply bourgeois by birth or ideology or economic function. Anarchist political committees wanted to know what the accused monarchists or conservatives had done, not simply what they thought or how they voted.’ (Gabriel Jackson, ‘The Living Experience of the Spanish Civil War Collectives’, in Newsletter of the Society for Spanish and Portuguese Historical Studies, 1970, vol. 1, no. 2, pp. 4-11)” Peirats, Jose. The CNT in the Spanish Revolution Vol. 1. East Sussex: The Meltzer Press. (2001) pp 146 Regarding crimes on nuns, priests, and ordinary people the C.N.T.-F.A.I. worked to encourage respect for freedom of expression: "The anarchist leadership also criticized the violence and tried to stem it within a few days...the CNT and FAI launched a series of protest against illegal violence" Thomas, Hugh. The Spanish Civil War. New York, USA: Touchstone. (1986) pp 277 For more information please see the full un-edited version of ‘Freedom of Religion in Libertarian Spain’ by Nicholas Evans (2009) and ‘The C.N.T.-F.A.I. Respected Freedom of Religion in Spain’ by Nicholas Evans (2009)

23. Fraser, Ronald. Blood of Spain: An Oral History of the Spanish Civil War New York: Pantheon Books., 1979 pp 234

24. Beevor, Antony. The Battle For Spain: The Spanish Civil War 1936-1939. England: Penguin Books. (1982) pp 112-113

“Overall, studies of the collectivization conclude that ‘the experiment was a success for the poor peasants of Aragon…in Aragon production increased by a fifth.”

25. Bolloten, Burnett. The Grand Camouflage. London: Pall Mall Press. (1968) pp 52

“In all the towns and villages… the small plants where work was carried on badly under uneconomic and unhygienic conditions were closed down as rapidly as possible. The machinery was gathered together in several workshops, sometimes in a single workshop. In this way, the regulation of production was simplified and co-ordination of effort was more effective.”

26. Beevor, Antony. The Battle For Spain: The Spanish Civil War 1936-1939. England: Penguin Books. (1982) pp 112

“Borkenau also described how self-managed collectives were much happier when no better off than before. What mattered was that the labourers ran their own collectives- a distinct contrast to the disasters of state collectivization in the Soviet Union, which the peasants had resisted by slaughtering livestock and sabotaging the harvest.”

Bolloten, Burnett. The Grand Camouflage. London: Pall Mall Press. (1968) pp 52

“…the Anarchosyndicalists respected the small man’s property…”

Peirats, Jose. The CNT in the Spanish Revolution Vol. 1. East Sussex: The Meltzer Press. (2001) pp 223

“Employers prepared to lend a helping hand were awarded status equal to that of any other collectivist, or indeed- in the case of small property owners and artisans- were allowed to run their industry for themselves, or farm whatever land they could farm with the labour of their own unaided family, on condition that no waged labour was employed.” Peirats, Jose. The CNT in the Spanish Revolution Vol. 1. East Sussex: The Meltzer Press. (2001) pp 223

27. In my opinion, the best forms of society may be the Libertarian views of Tucker (Free Market Socialism), Proudhon (Libertarian Mutualism), Bart De Ligt (Libertarian Syndicalism), Rocker (Libertarian Syndicalism) ect. I also think the views on Symbolic Culture by the Libertarian Zerzan are excellent. I am using the term Libertarian as understood since the 1850’s in New York by Joseph Dejacque and by the C.N.T. For productivity of a Libertarian society please see footnotes 24, 25, 26.

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