imc indymedia

Los Angeles Indymedia : Activist News

white themeblack themered themetheme help
About Us Contact Us Calendar Publish RSS
latest news
best of news




A-Infos Radio

Indymedia On Air

Dope-X-Resistance-LA List


IMC Network:

Original Cities africa: ambazonia canarias estrecho / madiaq kenya nigeria south africa canada: hamilton london, ontario maritimes montreal ontario ottawa quebec thunder bay vancouver victoria windsor winnipeg east asia: burma jakarta japan korea manila qc europe: abruzzo alacant andorra antwerpen armenia athens austria barcelona belarus belgium belgrade bristol brussels bulgaria calabria croatia cyprus emilia-romagna estrecho / madiaq euskal herria galiza germany grenoble hungary ireland istanbul italy la plana liege liguria lille linksunten lombardia london madrid malta marseille nantes napoli netherlands nice northern england norway oost-vlaanderen paris/Île-de-france patras piemonte poland portugal roma romania russia saint-petersburg scotland sverige switzerland thessaloniki torun toscana toulouse ukraine united kingdom valencia latin america: argentina bolivia chiapas chile chile sur cmi brasil colombia ecuador mexico peru puerto rico qollasuyu rosario santiago tijuana uruguay valparaiso venezuela venezuela oceania: adelaide aotearoa brisbane burma darwin jakarta manila melbourne perth qc sydney south asia: india mumbai united states: arizona arkansas asheville atlanta austin baltimore big muddy binghamton boston buffalo charlottesville chicago cleveland colorado columbus dc hawaii houston hudson mohawk kansas city la madison maine miami michigan milwaukee minneapolis/st. paul new hampshire new jersey new mexico new orleans north carolina north texas nyc oklahoma philadelphia pittsburgh portland richmond rochester rogue valley saint louis san diego san francisco san francisco bay area santa barbara santa cruz, ca sarasota seattle tampa bay tennessee urbana-champaign vermont western mass worcester west asia: armenia beirut israel palestine process: fbi/legal updates mailing lists process & imc docs tech volunteer projects: print radio satellite tv video regions: oceania united states topics: biotech

Surviving Cities africa: canada: quebec east asia: japan europe: athens barcelona belgium bristol brussels cyprus germany grenoble ireland istanbul lille linksunten nantes netherlands norway portugal united kingdom latin america: argentina cmi brasil rosario oceania: aotearoa united states: austin big muddy binghamton boston chicago columbus la michigan nyc portland rochester saint louis san diego san francisco bay area santa cruz, ca tennessee urbana-champaign worcester west asia: palestine process: fbi/legal updates process & imc docs projects: radio satellite tv
printable version - js reader version - view hidden posts - tags and related articles

Cupid Killed by Homeland Security

by Stephen DeVoy Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 at 4:20 PM

Cupid has been blown out of the sky by Homeland Security. There will be no Valentines this year.

Cupid Killed by Homeland Security

Author: Stephen DeVoy

WASHINGTON D.C. - Thousands of civil servants were evacuated from their Washington D.C. offices today when Homeland Security activated a code red terror alert.  A small unidentified object was spotted on radar as it entered the no-fly-zone set up to protect President George W. Bush.  Initially there was much confusion as the nature of the object was unknown.  For a few moments, the evacuating crowd thought the worst when a missile was seen engaging the target.

"We were running for our lives when we saw the smoke trail of a missile curving into the sky," said idle bureaucrat Bridget O'Brien.  "The streak was followed by a small explosion.  Shortly thereafter an 'all clear' was sounded and we were ordered back to our work stations.  I was terrified."

"Useless eaters" fleeing comfortable government chairs.

Information concerning the event trickled slowly in throughout the day.  Initial reports that a member of al-Qaeda wearing a diaper around his bottom and a suicide bomber's backpack upon his shoulders while flying straight towards the White House were later replaced with reports that a semi-naked bi-polar man with a bag of arrows was headed for Georgetown.  Residents of Georgetown reported sightings of body parts on the streets hanging from street lamps in a morbid scene which, according to long time resident Michael Strong, "Just made me want to puke."

Amongst the carnage a golden arrow was found with the inscription "Cupid's Arrow."  Rumors spread amongst unloved Americans (thought to number in the hundreds of millions) that their only hope for a satisfying life, "Cupid," has been killed by Homeland Security.  Our offices tried repeatedly to contact Fatherland Security's Chancellor Michael Chertoff, but were put on hold, for seven hours.  As evidence that Cupid had been shot out of the sky over Washington D.C. mounted, the Bush Administration prepared an official statement which was then emailed to Bill O'Reilly, semi-official mouthpiece of the Bush Reich, and read on the air.

According to Bill O'Reilly, "Cupid had been off his medication, as seems to happen once each year, and began acting strangely.  His flight path was erratic, he bore a sling of some unknown long and pointy objects over his shoulder, and he had violated the most sacrosanct no-fly-zone on Earth, the one protecting our savior, George Bush.  Repeated attempts on all frequencies had been made by radio to contact Mr. Cupid, but no response was forthcoming.  Our agents within Homeland Security did what they were trained to do and shot the 'gay looking fucker' out of the sky, as they should have!"

Michael Chertoff in an earlier life.

Within minutes of the semiofficial announcement of the protective event which removed the Cupid threat, Congressman Dipshit, a Democrat from Massachusetts, publicly declared his support for the Homeland Security Agents responsible for neutralizing "the mentally twisted and inappropriately dressed" Mr. Cupid.  "We should all be celebrating," said Congressman Dipshit.  "The actions of Homeland Security verify the effectiveness of our defenses.  We are all safer now and these brave men deserve our support."

Despite the overwhelming official support for quick and decisive response to the Cupid Threat, some witnesses have expressed doubt.  Ernesto Vargas, a street sweeper in Georgetown who happened to be in Cupid's sights when the missile tore through commented, "Anyone could see that it was just a baby angel with a diaper and an arrow!  Cupid did not deserve to die.  He's been doing this since the ancient Greeks began writing sagas.  Now, just because he crosses into the "no-fly-zone" of an arrogant chimp he's road kill on the streets of Georgetown."

Some Americans were not merely angry, they were heartbroken at the news.  "Now it looks like I will never find that perfect soul-mate!" sniffed Paris Hilton.  Paris is not alone.  In New York, one thousand single women took the streets denouncing what they called "the murder" of Cupid.  "First that motherfucker Bush sends all the men to Iraq and now he blows Cupid out of the sky," one protester remarked.  "What's next?  Will he outlaw dildos?"

Flower companies panicked as it became unclear whether there would be a Valentine's Day this year.  "I just don't know if men will celebrate Valentine's Day on their own accord," remarked Rosa Flores, owner of the Flower Basket in Boston's North End.

The same panic was felt by other key players in the Valentine's economy.  Limousine drivers were expecting a lull in their businesses.  Expensive restaurants were afraid that everyday would be Tuesday.  The only Valentine's profiteers who expressed no concern were chocolate pushers.  "Women need us more than men," remarked Fanny Farmer, "we're not worrying."

There have been no calls to review the policies of Homeland Security since the elimination of Cupid.  "So long as they don't kill Santa," said Pat Robertson, "I'm not concerned."



Report this post as:

Local News


lausd whistle blower A10 11:58PM

Website Upgrade A10 3:02AM

Help KCET and UCLA identify 60s-70s Chicano images A04 1:02PM

UCLA Luskin: Casting Youth Justice in a Different Light A02 11:58AM

Change Links April 2018 A01 11:27AM

Nuclear Shutdown News March 2018 M31 6:57PM

Join The Protest Rally in Glendale on April 10, 2018! M29 7:00PM

Join The Protest Rally in Glendale on April 10, 2018! M29 6:38PM

Spring 2018 National Immigrant Solidarity Network News Alert! M19 2:02PM

Anti-Eviction Mapping Project Shows Shocking Eviction Trends in L.A. M16 5:40PM

Steve Mnuchin video at UCLA released M15 12:34AM

Actress and Philanthropist Tanna Frederick Hosts Project Save Our Surf Beach Clean Ups M06 12:10PM

After Being Told He's 'Full of Sh*t' at School Event, Mnuchin Demands UCLA Suppress Video M02 11:44AM

Resolution of the Rent Strike in Boyle Heights M01 6:28PM

What Big Brother Knows About You and What You Can Do About It M01 3:30PM

Step Up As LAPD Chief Charlie Beck Steps Down F14 2:44PM

Our House Grief Support Center Hosts 9th Annual Run For Hope, April 29 F13 12:51PM

Don’t let this LA County Probation Department overhaul proposal sit on the shelf F13 11:04AM

Echo Park Residents Sue LA Over Controversial Development F12 8:51AM

Former Signal Hill police officer pleads guilty in road-rage incident in Irvine F09 10:25PM

Calif. Police Accused of 'Collusion' With Neo-Nazis After Release of Court Documents F09 7:14PM

Center for the Study of Political Graphics exhibit on Police Abuse posters F07 9:50AM

City Agrees to Settle Lawsuit Claiming Pasadena Police Officer Had His Sister Falsely Arre F04 3:17PM

Professor's Study Highlights Health Risks of Urban Oil Drilling F04 12:42PM

Claims paid involving Pasadena Police Department 2014 to present F04 10:52AM

Pasadenans - get your license plate reader records from police F03 11:11PM

LA Times Homicide Report F03 1:57PM

More Local News...

Other/Breaking News

What does the Quran Say About Islamic Dress?? A21 4:15PM

Biodiversité ou la nature privatisée A20 11:22AM

The Market is a Universal Totalitarian Religion A20 7:14AM

Book Available about Hispanics and US Civil War by National Park Service A19 5:52PM

The Shortwave Report 04/20/18 Listen Globally! A19 4:01PM

The Republican 'Prolife' Party Is the Party of War, Execution, and Bear Cub Murder A19 11:48AM

Neurogenèse involutive A18 9:21AM

Paraphysique de la dictature étatique A16 10:13AM

Book Review: "The New Bonapartists" A16 3:45AM

The West Must Take the First Steps to Russia A14 12:25PM

Théorie générale de la révolution ou hommage à feu Mikhaïl Bakounine A14 3:30AM

The Shortwave Report 04/13/18 Listen Globally! A12 3:50PM

“Lost in a Dream” Singing Competition Winner to Be Chosen on April 15 for ,000 Prize! A12 3:48PM

The World Dependent on Central Banks A12 4:43AM

Ohio Governor Race: Dennis Kucinich & Richard Cordray Run Against Mike DeWine A11 9:40PM

March 2018 Honduras Coup Again Update A10 10:52PM

Apologie du zadisme insurrectionnel A10 3:33PM

ICE contract with license plate reader company A10 1:14PM

Palimpseste sisyphéen A09 11:23PM

Black Portraiture(S) IV: The Color of Silence...Cuba No...Cambridge Yes A09 5:32AM

Prohibiting Micro-Second Betting on the Exchanges A09 4:18AM

Prosecutors treat Muslims harsher than non-Muslims for the same crimes A08 10:33PM

Amy Goodman interview on cell phone safety A08 10:29PM

Mesa, Arizona police officer kills unarmed white man A08 9:50PM

Israeli leaders should be prosecuted for war crimes A08 9:48PM

Paraphysique de l'autorité A08 12:11AM

Two Podcasts on fbi corruption A06 10:13PM

Fbi assassins assault & try to kill DAVID ATKINS A06 7:29PM

More Breaking News...
© 2000-2018 Los Angeles Independent Media Center. Unless otherwise stated by the author, all content is free for non-commercial reuse, reprint, and rebroadcast, on the net and elsewhere. Opinions are those of the contributors and are not necessarily endorsed by the Los Angeles Independent Media Center. Running sf-active v0.9.4 Disclaimer | Privacy