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Cupid Killed by Homeland Security

by Stephen DeVoy Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 at 4:20 PM

Cupid has been blown out of the sky by Homeland Security. There will be no Valentines this year.

Cupid Killed by Homeland Security

Author: Stephen DeVoy

WASHINGTON D.C. - Thousands of civil servants were evacuated from their Washington D.C. offices today when Homeland Security activated a code red terror alert.  A small unidentified object was spotted on radar as it entered the no-fly-zone set up to protect President George W. Bush.  Initially there was much confusion as the nature of the object was unknown.  For a few moments, the evacuating crowd thought the worst when a missile was seen engaging the target.

"We were running for our lives when we saw the smoke trail of a missile curving into the sky," said idle bureaucrat Bridget O'Brien.  "The streak was followed by a small explosion.  Shortly thereafter an 'all clear' was sounded and we were ordered back to our work stations.  I was terrified."


"Useless eaters" fleeing comfortable government chairs.

Information concerning the event trickled slowly in throughout the day.  Initial reports that a member of al-Qaeda wearing a diaper around his bottom and a suicide bomber's backpack upon his shoulders while flying straight towards the White House were later replaced with reports that a semi-naked bi-polar man with a bag of arrows was headed for Georgetown.  Residents of Georgetown reported sightings of body parts on the streets hanging from street lamps in a morbid scene which, according to long time resident Michael Strong, "Just made me want to puke."

Amongst the carnage a golden arrow was found with the inscription "Cupid's Arrow."  Rumors spread amongst unloved Americans (thought to number in the hundreds of millions) that their only hope for a satisfying life, "Cupid," has been killed by Homeland Security.  Our offices tried repeatedly to contact Fatherland Security's Chancellor Michael Chertoff, but were put on hold, for seven hours.  As evidence that Cupid had been shot out of the sky over Washington D.C. mounted, the Bush Administration prepared an official statement which was then emailed to Bill O'Reilly, semi-official mouthpiece of the Bush Reich, and read on the air.

According to Bill O'Reilly, "Cupid had been off his medication, as seems to happen once each year, and began acting strangely.  His flight path was erratic, he bore a sling of some unknown long and pointy objects over his shoulder, and he had violated the most sacrosanct no-fly-zone on Earth, the one protecting our savior, George Bush.  Repeated attempts on all frequencies had been made by radio to contact Mr. Cupid, but no response was forthcoming.  Our agents within Homeland Security did what they were trained to do and shot the 'gay looking fucker' out of the sky, as they should have!"


Michael Chertoff in an earlier life.

Within minutes of the semiofficial announcement of the protective event which removed the Cupid threat, Congressman Dipshit, a Democrat from Massachusetts, publicly declared his support for the Homeland Security Agents responsible for neutralizing "the mentally twisted and inappropriately dressed" Mr. Cupid.  "We should all be celebrating," said Congressman Dipshit.  "The actions of Homeland Security verify the effectiveness of our defenses.  We are all safer now and these brave men deserve our support."

Despite the overwhelming official support for quick and decisive response to the Cupid Threat, some witnesses have expressed doubt.  Ernesto Vargas, a street sweeper in Georgetown who happened to be in Cupid's sights when the missile tore through commented, "Anyone could see that it was just a baby angel with a diaper and an arrow!  Cupid did not deserve to die.  He's been doing this since the ancient Greeks began writing sagas.  Now, just because he crosses into the "no-fly-zone" of an arrogant chimp he's road kill on the streets of Georgetown."

Some Americans were not merely angry, they were heartbroken at the news.  "Now it looks like I will never find that perfect soul-mate!" sniffed Paris Hilton.  Paris is not alone.  In New York, one thousand single women took the streets denouncing what they called "the murder" of Cupid.  "First that motherfucker Bush sends all the men to Iraq and now he blows Cupid out of the sky," one protester remarked.  "What's next?  Will he outlaw dildos?"

Flower companies panicked as it became unclear whether there would be a Valentine's Day this year.  "I just don't know if men will celebrate Valentine's Day on their own accord," remarked Rosa Flores, owner of the Flower Basket in Boston's North End.

The same panic was felt by other key players in the Valentine's economy.  Limousine drivers were expecting a lull in their businesses.  Expensive restaurants were afraid that everyday would be Tuesday.  The only Valentine's profiteers who expressed no concern were chocolate pushers.  "Women need us more than men," remarked Fanny Farmer, "we're not worrying."

There have been no calls to review the policies of Homeland Security since the elimination of Cupid.  "So long as they don't kill Santa," said Pat Robertson, "I'm not concerned."

 

 

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