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by Stephen DeVoy
Sunday, Jan. 08, 2006 at 4:20 PM
Cupid has been blown out of the sky by Homeland Security. There will be no Valentines this year.
Cupid Killed by Homeland Security
|WASHINGTON D.C. - Thousands of civil
servants were evacuated from their Washington D.C. offices today when
Homeland Security activated a code red terror alert. A small
unidentified object was spotted on radar as it entered the no-fly-zone set
up to protect President George W. Bush. Initially there was much
confusion as the nature of the object was unknown. For a few
moments, the evacuating crowd thought the worst when a missile was seen
engaging the target.
"We were running for our lives when we saw
the smoke trail of a missile curving into the sky," said idle
bureaucrat Bridget O'Brien. "The streak was followed by a small
explosion. Shortly thereafter an 'all clear' was sounded and we were
ordered back to our work stations. I was terrified."
eaters" fleeing comfortable government chairs.
Information concerning the event trickled slowly in
throughout the day. Initial reports that a member of al-Qaeda wearing a
diaper around his bottom and a suicide bomber's backpack upon his shoulders
while flying straight towards the White House were later replaced with reports
that a semi-naked bi-polar man with a bag of arrows was headed for
Georgetown. Residents of Georgetown reported sightings of body parts on
the streets hanging from street lamps in a morbid scene which, according to long
time resident Michael Strong, "Just made me want to puke."
|Amongst the carnage a golden arrow was
found with the inscription "Cupid's Arrow." Rumors spread
amongst unloved Americans (thought to number in the hundreds of millions)
that their only hope for a satisfying life, "Cupid," has been
killed by Homeland Security. Our offices tried repeatedly to contact
Fatherland Security's Chancellor Michael
Chertoff, but were put on hold, for seven hours. As evidence
that Cupid had been shot out of the sky over Washington D.C. mounted, the
Bush Administration prepared an official statement which was then emailed
to Bill O'Reilly, semi-official mouthpiece of the Bush Reich, and read on
According to Bill O'Reilly, "Cupid had been
off his medication, as seems to happen once each year, and began acting
strangely. His flight path was erratic, he bore a sling of some
unknown long and pointy objects over his shoulder, and he had violated the
most sacrosanct no-fly-zone on Earth, the one protecting our
savior, George Bush. Repeated attempts on all frequencies had
been made by radio to contact Mr. Cupid, but no response was
forthcoming. Our agents within Homeland Security did what they were
trained to do and shot the 'gay looking fucker' out of the sky, as they
Michael Chertoff in an earlier life.
||Within minutes of the semiofficial
announcement of the protective event which removed the Cupid threat,
Congressman Dipshit, a Democrat from Massachusetts, publicly declared his
support for the Homeland Security Agents responsible for neutralizing
"the mentally twisted and inappropriately dressed" Mr.
Cupid. "We should all be celebrating," said Congressman
Dipshit. "The actions of Homeland Security verify the
effectiveness of our defenses. We are all safer now and these brave
men deserve our support."
Despite the overwhelming official support for
quick and decisive response to the Cupid Threat, some witnesses have
expressed doubt. Ernesto Vargas, a street sweeper in Georgetown who
happened to be in Cupid's sights when the missile tore through commented,
"Anyone could see that it was just a baby angel with a diaper and an
arrow! Cupid did not deserve to die. He's been doing this
since the ancient Greeks began writing sagas. Now, just because he
crosses into the "no-fly-zone" of an arrogant chimp he's road
kill on the streets of Georgetown."
Some Americans were not merely angry, they were
heartbroken at the news. "Now it looks like I will never find
that perfect soul-mate!" sniffed Paris Hilton. Paris is not
alone. In New York, one thousand single women took the streets
denouncing what they called "the murder" of Cupid.
"First that motherfucker Bush sends all the men to Iraq and now he
blows Cupid out of the sky," one protester remarked.
"What's next? Will he outlaw dildos?"
Flower companies panicked as it became unclear
whether there would be a Valentine's Day this year. "I just
don't know if men will celebrate Valentine's Day on their own
accord," remarked Rosa Flores, owner of the Flower Basket in Boston's
The same panic was felt by other key players in
the Valentine's economy. Limousine drivers were expecting a lull in
their businesses. Expensive restaurants were afraid that everyday
would be Tuesday. The only Valentine's profiteers who expressed no
concern were chocolate pushers. "Women need us more than
men," remarked Fanny Farmer, "we're not worrying."
There have been no calls to review the policies of
Homeland Security since the elimination of Cupid. "So long as
they don't kill Santa," said Pat Robertson, "I'm not
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