part one: no boots, sue

sue goes to the store to purchse a pair of boots she's been eyeing for some time. they are leateher and lace uo to just under the knee. she saw them on teevee; very sexy. unfortunately when she gets to teh store the boots have been sold down to the last pair. she gives up and forgets about wanting those boots. "did it ever matter anyway?"

Subject: my little secretion
Time: 5:21 am.
yeah...what it is about is about the fact that i am going to be myself; i just figured out how and all i am oing to do is get better at it. to the tune of getting paid to play; although i gotta stay in it for fun it is time to get some pay too. period. people who don't understand, well, won't be reading it...today is one of the building block days.

the thing is: soon, i will. as simple as that.

meanwhile, diane is hott and of course i should do it. the usual mark questions arise:

can she keep up with me? god knows i can keep up with myself, and sustainably. i am a good example of how to live, but unless she is too it will be more or less the same. as simple as the fact that all people are basically the same is the fact that all women are bitches, and i also am a bitch, a sarcastic, resentful bitch with a high tolerance for pain but also an uncanny ability to assess my own needs, and have them met, period, no excuses. and of course there is the church to consider. ah yes: the church of punk.

the church of good fortune, the church of the mutants. so much like the theater of the vampires, except, of course, NOT. those who can't think independently won't really be able to hang with us, but they will enjoy the performances, that will be unmistakable.

i think i better avoid diane instead of doing anything stupid. some dreams...ah! she's nice but...sometimes boredom looks for just a guy like me. that happened once...

little dale for instance. little dale used me like something useful she found in theutility drawer to get the bubblegum that was her mean giant boyfriend off her back. then when she was done she discarded me. i don't know how i feel about it anymore -- except i know that, well that's why the band is called the abuse babies.

cause that's what we both were, and yeah, i may not be who i was themn but i definitely loved her then.

she hasn't been in my life so she hasn't done anything to make me dislike her...i don't know though...
she probably just got old like everyone else. i might go a little sour but there's no reason for my mind, my heart, my SOUL to get old. 'grow up,' they say.

why? to become like YOU?


and i can't wait to disappoint the kids who show up for the same boring grindcore--they'll stand, bored and horrified, when they realise that they have to go ELSEWHERE to hear the same three chords over and over again, or else they will come inside and see a show that comes across oh SO much harder and at reasonable auditory levels (to start)...true,the abuse babies won't catch everyone off guard, but those who are caught will be befuddled as they realise that they are just not as smart as they thought they were.

it will be the diaspora of stupids that replaces the umbilicus beast in deciding who hangs out in the scene and who splits town to return with lessening, continually lessening frequency...the lamest scene vampires will feel all posi'd out and go to other towns, or slither to the outside of the scene, unwanted and unmissed. shitheads.

it has to happen. for libra.

libra's...aren't pushovers. or social butterflies. that's just old school heads being rigid. libras cqre about perfect relationships...it;s right next top perfectionist virgo. virgo wants a perfect life, libra wats a perfect life with you -- or if not, well , libra will be annoyed. or just float away on a cloud of positivity. libra wants to feel lik they are in the right relationship -- where there is -- duh --- balance.

yeah. it has to be the diaspora of dumb people -- they have to feel like there is no where for them to hang out anymore cause everybody is having a great time, feeling good and being positive -- or at least doing things that smart peopel do when they are bummed out -- instead of engaging in their boring old obvious racist crap...and hating everyone they see.

racists only really hate THEMSELVES.

yes...the diaspora of the stupids i want them to feel grossed out by what a good time everyone is hav8ing being real. it;s only fair...since the collectivist shit heads chased everyone away who doesn't think like them.

i know what totalitarianism is. and sometimes "y."...

and thy are real racists caue they can't stop being prejudiced/. most people aren;r really racist they might be sort of bigoted -- inculcated, defense mechanism , surface prejudices..but most peope are not uutter racists like these -- the soviet union has been over for a while so what the fuck are THEY talking about. socialists --? lying ass nazis. hitler lied and they lie too. i am not meant to turn away and pretend it;'s not happening and i am way too smart to waste time smacking the rotted corses..besides, shit splatters.

they can all go rot in their squats and wish they had brains, they can sit there enviously and hate everyone in the privacy of their own filthy fucking homes, choking on their jealousy and bile like so many bullshit artists outed in the stark light of daytime.

and it will be really, really fucking COOL and GOOD.

stay at home and stink righteously, you assholes.

meanwhile: soup will be cookin', coffee will be perkin', music will happen and i will sell paintings and people will be in the loop again...i see how it is, #37; i have been out of the loop because there hasn't been any loop to be in. the young kids are so starved for role models that they are emulating jim trainer, king of all nerds. he's training his jim and well , i am missing those particular cock-a-lympics. HA HA HA KNOWLEDGE REIGNS SUPREME OVER NEARLY EVERYONE...it's actually true...

this means that there are no role-models, there is no art scene there except the secret one, and that is the way it will seem to remain, on the surface, for some time...

key points: people who really want to party hearty will NATURALLY keep dates and locations to themselves; there is a need for a party scene that is smooth and reliable yet low profile and portable like the raves, yet is not a rave scene. whwy would we throw a cool party and let the people who have been fucking up parties boringly for years show up? or even tell them where it is? we want them to go to the real typical depressing kegger down on 85th and Grimm so they have beer to drink and don't even show up...we want them to maybe hear about it -- in five years. liek the party? Rand remebers the Party. Both of the Rands remeber the party - rand and randall and that's the way it should be -0 even if only randall was there. But it was THE PARTY and we went and wandered on acid into clark park and the spongy ground and, well whatever.

Yeah. the return of cool parties.

fuck the GOP. i just figured it out. we all ran out of money as soon as the democrats lost the white house. al;l of a sudden none of us had money to throw partis anymore -- it was like the lash came out and --

I'll gladly do it and it will be so damned exciting with jello shots and fondue pots and lightshows and listening parties for all.


RAVES: you can have a rave; great. if there is x or something like x and you don't get busted, a smash. but who remembers?

but if there is just some wine, maybe a little reefer in the back room later after things mellow out, everybody is stoked and on their feet for the listening party session, the acts get some feedback, good time for everyone.

we can DO this. blood thunder!!

Put ads in the Bulletin... yeah right. that would be stupid. almost everybody reads that.

Some jealous asshole is saying ;death to the party scene...' they probably think death to everything that aisn't -- %$#@@!! totalitarians!!

what a BITCH
what a BITCH life can be, enjoy it or not. i swear, it seems like she (Diane) thrives on cluelessness, like she wouldn't really be happy if she admitted to herself that she knows what's going on and could even make it all better? instead: bullshit and lose/lose hypotheses that guarantee that i would rather run screaming from the sight of her than go along with a losers' scenario where nobody gets what they want. we have that now.


what a BITCH!

waht, you send me mail from bitchgoddess.com, you call yourself the Suzerain: that means you are Lord High Bitch! Well, use your illuminated Bitchpowers, get us out of this crazy mess. GET IN CHARGE OF THE SITUATION, YOU ANARCHIST BITCH.

god1 i WANT her too. but she is...maybe i am just not getting the grip i need yet. i have entertainment to think about..i have to make phonecalls and write songs and -- fondue pot, i don't have a findue pot! at all. maybe i can doubl boil...

fuck. i AM double bouling. the whole thing wuth diane and the mascara and the "i am Suzerain!" and -- i like her a lot. but...

it's almost like -- maybe she's just not my type? maybe i should just let her work her shit out!? i wish...




Buddha is tired of bitterness and revilement. just want to have enlightened peaceful life again. like I have nothing to do. thousands of years or bullshit and denial to fix, and you think I am angry at you? what a confused thing you are, Diane@themascarabitchgoddess.com? mind-blowing.

this is a new time, though, that weird tugging i feel must be my paradigm shifting. well:

i-me-mine with Nirmama chaser.
okay: this means i have forgotten how to speak, effectively. only Gabriel have i spoken with this about, and Gabriel is angry with me. i think this means he wants more of my time but there is this weird bubble--

okay: Nirmamakaya must be inhaled and dealt with, and of ourse right now only I am dealingwith it, in this way, in English. perfect.

SO all the cliches about mine-ness are just based in faleshood, unbtruth, fake righteousness; we can find all the fake righteousness we need simply by referring to the Sanskrit Lnguage we can find a treasure trail of false righteousness. and this will help us solve our problem (if only we could speak.

our problem. my country. his girlfriend. but if: Nirmamakaya (nothing is mine=ultimate altruism=aquarian values)

then it becomes a thing where: these cliches pop up but they are based in wrong thinking disguised as righteousness.

my boyfriend. my husband. my ountry. my car, my incometax shelter, my president, us tanks and bombs, my conscience, my ugly little war? no: someone is lying and painting my name and karma on suff i would only claim if i were a huge masochist.


the point is simple but it is hard to explain in the American way of thought, with the English languiage with its privative and proprietary pronouns and its background in enslavement of the soul.

so let me get all buddha on y'all.

first: ego and desire.

those are the bugaboos of buddhist thought and after all these years buddhism is readyfor something cool to happen. in the united states the red man has notlost is essential connection to the earth, and neither -- by a LONGSHOT -- has the red woman. both are in earthy understanding and still understand the foolishness that invaded the continent. the dhamma returns in the land of the red man -- no one except a few have been able to see it because they expected it to be just like it was before. which is a no - go -- it wasn't perfect before, there was a flaw.


"I{" cannot even discuss dhamma in eglish. right? as soon as i di the scholar monks turn their noses up at me -- but this is not their fault. i don't mind being called black harma until it sinks in -- becaue it is what people have been waiting for.

no avataric "cult of personality' -- just what has been missing. in the meantime -- let those who have not been enlightened but have crested on the edge go on with their fine selves. i wil ltalk about it in english and let the egoic implication blow minds in translation because i know what is up. i am going to hide behind jesus and spit rhymes. they can't hurt him.


i hide behind yeshua because he's his own grandpaw. and the dhamma practitioners are WAITING and well...


like this: ego and desire

need tobe healed
sanctified
forgiven
praised -- the pathway is the heart. the pathway is the mystic bodhicitta that padmasambhava spke of. it is awakened HEART. it awakenes the miond but first there must be compassion. compassion for thoise who would lie and slander -- yes!

why do you think i hide behind yeshua like a coward. no one can ever hurt him again. i hide behind him and tell you that the mistake was made by the buddha himself.

when generations after praised and acccentuated and built on his mistakes -- that's okay. forgive them too. he had the awakened heart though -- the suffering of the old moved im to become a seeker and not be content with the throne his father gave him.

desire is your mother. ego is your father. but without a heart centered approach....

thousands of years of varnashrama dharma. know how i keep saying "dhamma"? what ARE you on about, bjark larsen?

i am on about when the wheel turns.

when there are more people who are enlightened than are not. there are enlightend ones NOW. they are saying little because there are so many people who would tell them they are insane. but there is also a nichren field of open hearts who have said to themselves over and over again, as i did when i was five years old (back off--!)"namo myo ho renge kyo" --

--which directly translated into utterly disrespectful english with a profound disregared for praise or blame -- "how can i help these idiots."

now -- if you were to stop treating religion like it was god and remeber that religion is the pathway to god -- as yeshua confided to his friends, the sahendrim...do you think yeshua hated the pharaisees? do you think he hates them now? now. he now sees farther than all fo them and also us --

if you stopped treating religion like it were better than the divine source of all life -0existance energy it is -- and remebered that it is just a vhicle -- then you, too could say to yourself over and over and OVER and over again, "how can i help these idiots."

you would be like nichiren with a helpful side order of padmasambhava. you, too could descend with the view while rising with the practice.

your japanese guilt! your jewish guilt, your white guilt your guilt is silt in the banks of the nile. so what? big deal. screw you arne your guilt. let GUILT go in the pace where we have alljammed our HEART'S desires and our REAL SELVES -- and thus given in to false,. leser desies and flase egoes that even we know are not us -- and start finishing and seeing what life is like. because that is the goal -- that after a while there are more and more and more enlightened people than unenlightened people. and they help the others.

by loving our neighbors

by forgiving them because they know not what they do

by helping the emotionally cripled -- crippled by jugemnt patterns stemming from Gatama Root-Buddha's misunderstanding of the role of desire -- the mother of everything -- and the role of ego -- the father of everything --

yes! it;'s a huge error! hence, no dharma, no buddha field no bodhi tree, no complete unfulfilled and unexcelled enlightenment.

why do you NOT want to be enlightened?

take that guilt and shove it in the place of don't-want like we all agreed toshove desire, the mother of everything, and real ego, real personality, real selfness, the father of everything -- and let enlightenemt blaze forth.


yeshua is beloved not because of the actions of generations fo righteous killers -- yeshua is beloved because he LOVES. he love still.

i just WORK here.

"all my training has paid off. now i got beef noodle incomprable and a can opener. CAN! waiting is...though..."

this is for YOU, suffering buddho taoist. the third way, the secret vehicle -- it's not a secret anymore. you want the unexcelled unparalleled enlightenment. the way is gentle. the way is compasisonate and waiting for you and he to reclaim it with patience that listens to each others breathing. YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN and can't wait to try it out. don't wait to try it out: wait...and wait...and wait...and try it out.,.and wait whle you are trying it out...

it was you all along becaue in your heart you always knew. now YOU have the bodhicitta.

yet it is transpersonal.

it is not impersonal. it is transpersonal. instead of "nothing is mine" -- how about "this is OURS.' real sharing. and leave those who must make judgments based on the lack of love in the hearts to wonder why others are having a good time!

eventually they will figure it out.

can i tell you how much i want you to know this? i hurt my arm typing.TYPING!!

now love one another. i DARE you.