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Dear Kerry Supporter

by Neal Boortz Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004 at 8:25 PM

The very milk of human kindness and the spirit of love compel me to write this note to you. I know that things have been a bit rough for you during the past few weeks. I thought it might be a nice gesture if I tried to say a few things to cheer you up, or at the very least let you know that I empathize with you.

Perhaps it would help if I started out here by telling you that I did not vote for George W. Bush in 2000. Feel better? Well, now that we find ourselves standing on some common ground, can we talk?

Is it safe to say that we’re all in this thing together? We do want the same things, don’t we? We want to be safe in our homes and protected from the actions of Islamic terrorists. We want to be free to pursue our life’s work and to use the results of our hard work for ourselves, our families and our future; and this we want to do with a minimum of government interference … right?

So, it is from our shared goals and dreams that I ask you to accept my sincere expression of condolences for the way this campaign is turning out for you.

We’ve connected now, so you can speak openly. I can see the pain in your eyes. I understand. You so-wanted to beat Bush in this election. Beating Bush was more important than almost anything else in your life. You don’t like his arrogance, you don’t like the way he talks, you don’t like the way he walks, and you constantly feel like he’s smirking at you. What’s not to hate? And on top of all this, he stole that election in Florida, right?

Yeah, sure he did.

I must tell you that I rather admire the way you’ve managed to ignore the fact that every single recount in Florida, even a recount handled by a media consortium unfriendly to Bush, showed Al Gore lost. This is all the more infuriating when you consider that Gore would have won if he had just managed to carry his home state! But then there’s that conveniently ignored fact that the networks’ call of Florida for Bush an hour before the polls closed in the heavily conservative Florida panhandle might have cost Bush as much as 12,0000 votes.

Now you’re beginning to learn the truth about this candidate you’ve bought. In short, you’ve discovered that you bought a lemon. I understand. You were so very anxious to get the primary circus over and done with, chose a champion, and ride off to battle against the forces of darkness. You were so anxious, so eager that you drove the wrong car off the showroom floor. You would like to return it now, but you’re too many miles down the campaign road, and there’s no lemon law in politics.

Look, I just have to ask: How is it that you selected this candidate without knowing that he had absolutely nothing to run on, and I do mean nothing, except four months in Vietnam? Didn’t it occur to you that you might want a candidate with at least some record of accomplishment over a twenty-year period of service in the Senate?

Back to this car analogy: Please tell me that you would at least take a look under the hood before you buy a car. Tell me that you would at least turn the key and start the engine to see how it sounds. Does it purr or cough its way to life? This car won’t cruise, my friend. It has an old motor that evidently couldn’t even pull its own weight 35 years ago! Just since you’re convention they’ve issued so many revisions to the operating manual that you are having trouble keeping up. All this, and the evil Bush yet to be officially nominated!

Now you’re finding out that the service records for your 2004 Kerry may have been altered! Questions are being asked about that four-month period of heavy-duty operation decades ago. Maybe your Kerry didn’t perform as well as you’ve been told!

We’re friends, right? So let’s cut to the chase. You know you really didn’t want a 2004 Kerry in the first place. You wanted a Hillary! Just think about those sleek, curvy lines, that flashy grille, the soft upholstery. What’s not to love? Come on and admit it. That’s your real goal. Hillary Clinton in the White House, a liberal nirvana. You panicked, though, and bought the first shiny thing you saw on the showroom floor.

Well, this isn’t the way to go about it, my friend. If your dream version of America is Hillary in the White House, then beating Bush in 2004 is not going to move you closer to your goal. It’s time for you to put the overpowering emotion of hatred aside and try to think a few years ahead. If this 2004 Kerry of yours takes this race you’re probably going to be stuck with him for eight years. During those eight years they’re going to be polishing up a 2012 Edwards to take his place. All the while your Hillary is going to be collecting rust in the Senate.

I’m going to suggest the unthinkable. Look ahead! Plan! Set aside your desire for instant gratification to pursue your true dream! Go ahead and let Bush have these next four years. Spend that time getting your Hillary into racing form. Who are the Republicans going to run in 2008, Cheney? You’ll have the pole locked up!

Hold on! Was that a wink? Am I missing something here?

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LATEST COMMENTS ABOUT THIS ARTICLE
Listed below are the 10 latest comments of 18 posted about this article.
These comments are anonymously submitted by the website visitors.
TITLE AUTHOR DATE
he stole that election in Florida, right? Yeah, sure he did. ever more Thursday, Aug. 26, 2004 at 8:43 PM
Here's how Kerry Ketchup Toss Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 12:08 AM
Hee hee hee hee Kerry Admirer Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 4:11 AM
fresca absolutely Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 7:02 AM
OneEyedMan KPC Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 7:46 AM
See you at the polls, punkass Swift Boat Truth Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 10:19 AM
OneEyedMan KPC Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 11:32 AM
served like fries Swift Boat Tooth Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 12:56 PM
OneEyedMan KPC Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 1:20 PM
OneEyedMan KPC Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 1:25 PM
reverse-midas asskicking Swift Boat Tooth Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 2:36 PM
No sleep till kerry Swift Boat Tooth Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 2:43 PM
OneEyedMan KPC Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 3:27 PM
"one-eye" read it, everyone! Friday, Aug. 27, 2004 at 9:22 PM
OneEyedMan KPC Saturday, Aug. 28, 2004 at 7:43 AM
A classy sendoff for imc's "world traveling zillionaire" Swift Boat Trounce Sunday, Aug. 29, 2004 at 3:23 PM
this "owned" shit is stupid more rational Monday, Aug. 30, 2004 at 2:24 PM
OneEyedMan KPC Tuesday, Aug. 31, 2004 at 6:42 AM

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