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If Bush Wins His First Election: A Not So Far-Out View of the Not Too Far-Off Future

by Mark Drolette Monday, Aug. 23, 2004 at 8:38 AM

So you think things are bad now? Well, they hella are. But you ain’t seen nothing yet if Dubya wins (or is re-appointed) November 2. For a grim peek at how things may look should John Kerry come a cropper on Election Day, read on.

A possible view of the world in 2008:

July 25--National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice enters the Oval Office. President George W. Bush is playing a video game.

"Hi, Mr. President. Got a moment?"

"Wait a sec, Condi. I'm just about to zap these terrorists and save the world again. Whoa, dang! Got 'em--nuked 'em all. Damn, I'm god--I mean, good. OK, Condi, what's up?"

“Let me just first say, Mr. President, how stunning you look in that flight suit.”

“Thanks! Yeah, I put it on whenever I get the chance, like when I’m wipin’ out these here bad guys.”

"Well, you are the commander-in-chief, Mr. President. As for the official business I have for you today, sir, the first thing I wanted to tell you is that your ratings are at an all-time high: 94% of all Americans say you're the best president ever. That's from the latest Fox/Gallup poll."

"Told ya I'm good."

"That you are, Mr. President, that you are. It also shows 61% give you credit for putting men on the moon."

"Did we do that?"

"In 1969, sir."

"Wow! Was I president then?"

"No, sir, you weren't. But the American people have a short memory, sir. And what they don't know won't hurt them, right, Mr. President?"

"That's right, Condi. That's how we got this far."

"Yes, sir. Right you are again. The second thing, is, well, it's the press, sir."

"The press? I thought we'd got rid of them."

"Well, not quite yet, Mr. President, but Karl's working on it. He's working with Congress to repeal the First Amendment."

"Oh, yeah--which one is that again?"

"The one that guarantees freedom of the press and freedom of speech, sir. In the meantime, Mr. President, the press is asking about the Valerie Plame investigation again."

"Valerie who?"

"Plame, sir. You know, the CIA agent whose cover was blown by Karl--I mean, by we don't know who, sir."

"Oh, yeah. Her."

"What should I tell the press, sir? They want to know why there have been no conclusions after five years of investigation."

"Just tell 'em what we always tell 'em: that the White House is an area roughly the size of California and that it may take a bit to find whoever is responsible, but that, dangit, we'll find 'em, dead or alive, even if we have to smoke 'em out of a spider hole to accomplish our mission."

”In other words, sir, the usual. Yes, sir, you’ve got it, Mr. President."

"That's my girl. Now, where did I put that damn joystick?"

August 1--At a State Department press conference, a slightly stooped and completely gray Colin Powell shuffles to the lectern and mumbles that a team of investigators scouring the country has not yet located his missing credibility, but he produces some grainy Polaroids and a chronological chart to prove that it does exist. Powell is then led away by an assistant.

August 20--Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is addressing reporters at the Pentagon. A trembling journalist asks, “Secretary Rumsfeld, six months have passed since America invaded Jamaica. You said at the time you were ‘certain’ the country possessed weapons of moderate destruction that directly threatened the U.S. So far, only millions of pounds of marijuana have been located. Do you still stand by your assessment?” Rumsfeld glowers at the man and intones, “’Certain?’” The reporter from Fox/Reuters, seated directly in front of the secretary in the only chair in the room, begins scribbling furiously. He is the only one allowed writing materials. The other journalists shift uneasily and avoid making eye contact with Rumsfeld, who continues, “Certainly, we’ll always be certain of certain uncertainties. And at times, we may be uncertain of what we considered certain certainties. Obviously, it’s the uncertain certainties about which we can’t always be certain. Certainly, anyone can see that.” The Fox/Reuters man nods his head affirmatively, still writing. Rumsfeld’s questioner slinks away, shoulders hunched. The others stare blankly or shamble slowly to the table stacked with Fox/Krispy Kreme donuts.

September 11--A small nuclear device explodes in downtown Madison, Wisconsin, killing thousands. Law enforcement authorities immediately suspect a white supremacist group, and phone calls claiming responsibility made soon afterward to local TV stations appear to confirm the theory. The corporate media decline to carry the story because, as a Fox/Associated Press spokesman declares, "It looks like these guys are from Eau Claire, so it's not like they're real terrorists from a Middle Eastern country, like Guam or Liberia. The American people understand the difference."

September 14—Attorney General John Ashcroft enters the Oval Office. President Bush looks up from his “Dennis the Menace” comic book. "Hey, General! How're things in the ol' homeland?"

"Things are going well, Mr. President. The designation last year of Santa Cruz, California, and Princeton, New Jersey, as the country's two 'Free Speech Zones' has been effective in concentrating dissent in just those two cities, and as soon as the First Amendment is repealed and penalties put in place, it will make it that much easier to start giving these terrorist sympathizers who threaten our beloved fatherland--I mean, country--the justice they deserve."

"Good work, as usual, J.A."

"I'm also happy report to you, mein capitan--I mean, Mr. President--that our campaign to ban dirty words from the airwaves has been so successful, thanks to the efforts of the Department of Homeland Purity, that we've decided to expand the list to sound-alikes. We must protect the tender young minds of our liebe Kinder--I mean, children--from creative, independent thinking that may possibly have them forming bad words out of other words. We've come up with these for starters: pianist, philatelist, masticate, angina, homo sapien, titillate, Volvo. We are also going to get rid of Uranus."

Bush looks surprised. "But the doc said everything was fine, you know, back there."

"What? Oh, no, sir. Not your--well, Uranus, sir. It's a planet."

"Oh, you mean like Mars, or the moon?”

"Well, sort of, Mr. President. But anyway, we'll name it something else. And, sir?"

"Yes?" Bush asks.

"Don't worry about Madison, sir. It's not the work of real terrorists."

"Madison who?"

"Wisconsin. Madison, Wisconsin, sir. An eensy, weensy nuclear device exploded and killed a few thousand people, but it’s under control and there's no need for alarm. Apparently, it was just a couple of white power kooks. It was actually a good test for the emergency response crews in case we ever suffer a true terrorist attack by real terrorists," Ashcroft says, his voice rising and face suddenly reddening, "the great and only God almighty help us, GELOBT SEI UNSER MEISTER, JESUS CHRISTUS!!” *

Bush's eyes widen a bit. "Well, that's a relief."

Ashcroft draws a deep breath and straightens his tie, then leans close to Bush and whispers: "Besides, mostly only liberals live in Madison."

September 25— Mary Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney’s spokesperson, neither confirms nor denies rumors her father has had recent surgery for a “sneer lift,” saying only, “When any of us last saw him about three years ago, his upper lip did look a little droopy. If I hear anything, I’ll ask him what he wants me to say.” As reporters leave, she is heard muttering, “I’ll bet I’m in dutch now.”

September 29--Middle East envoy Tom DeLay says in response to reports that Israel is now constructing an electrified "double-double good neighbor peace fence” around the remaining 400 square acres of the West Bank currently occupied by five million Palestinians, says, "That darn Israel! We keep askin' 'em real nice-like not to do stuff like this, but, hey, whatcha gonna do? Now if y'all will excuse me, I'm in kind of a hurry. I was just on my way to drop off this month’s check to our fine Israeli friends, and the end times is nigh. Uh, er, I’m late, is what I meant to say, actually." Two hours later, in response to the sixth Palestinian suicide bombing of the month, this one in Tel Aviv that kills twelve Israelis, Israel retaliates by blowing up a Palestinian elementary school. Dozens of children die. An Israeli spokesman defends this latest "anti-terrorism" strategy by stating that "schools are where possible future terrorists are, and we can't afford to make distinctions between possible future terrorists and actual ones."

October 11--The new FCC Chairman, a nephew of Rupert Murdoch, announces that "after at least an hour of soul-searching deliberation, we have determined that a new cap of 95% is more than reasonable" regarding the percentage of the nation’s media outlets that can be owned by one corporation. Fox/Disney, which already owns an estimated 88% of such outlets, releases a statement one minute later from company president Bill O’Reilly calling the figure “unfair and unbalanced” and says it plans an immediate appeal.

October 21--Karl Rove enters the Oval Office and finds the president going over his speech in preparation for his upcoming bi-annual press conference.

"Hi, boss! How's it going?"

The president winces. "Dammit all to heck anyway, Karl. I'm stumblin' all over myself with some of these here words. You know how I hate these press conferrals. Those damn reporters always end up malcategorizing me.”

"It's under control, boss. We've demanded that the networks tape-delay the conference by an hour, so we'll just edit out any rough spots you might come up against."

"Boy, you think of everything, dontcha?"

"That's my job, Mr. President. Anyhow, I just wanted to come by and give you the good news: We got your constitutional amendment! Today Texas became the 38th state to ratify it--just the way we planned it. We'll have a nice little photo-op in Austin and..."

Bush grins. "Boy howdy, that was fast, Karl. You are a genius. No more press hounds to deal with now, huh, buddy?"

"Press hounds, sir?"

"Yeah, ya got rid of that danged first amulet that let those reporters ask me all them hard questions."

"First...? Ohhh, no, sir, now I see. I'm not talking about the First Amendment. We just started working on that one. No, boss, we got rid of the 22nd, the one that limits presidents to two terms. Now it's smooth sailing for your re-election next month for four more years."

"By golly, I didn't realize there were that many of them dang amenities. That's great! But Karl?"

"Yes, sir?" Rove asks.

"How do we know I'm gonna win?"

"Well, sir, our good friends at Fox /Diebold will see to that," Rove says with a wink.

"Fox /Die-who? Oh, right--the voting machine folks. I think I get yer drift, ol' buddy."

Rove beams. "Yes, it's worked out pretty well, boss. With their help and all the national redistricting that's gone on using the classic ‘Texas model,’ we've now got a 300-135 GOP margin in the House. Couple that with our hold on the Senate and we are whistlin' double Dixie!"

"Great job, King Karl."

"Thank you, though we don't have total control yet. The damn Democrats keep getting elected in California. We think there’s a glitch in the software out there that directs votes to be tabulated correctly. We've got it covered, though."

"That's my boy."

A glint enters Rove's eyes. "We're going to give California back to Mexico. Our problems will all be south of the border. Well, technically, at that point west of the border, but the result is the same."

"Can we do that?"

"Why not? We'll just say it's in the interest of national security."

"Will that work?" Bush asks.

"It has for seven years."

"Good point." The president looks back down at his speech and frowns. "So, Karl, how do I say this here word anyway?"

Rove looks at the speech and sneers. "'Veracity,' sir."

"I just can't seem to say it, fer some reason. Do we really need it?"

Rove brightens. "Actually, we’ve never needed it, sir.”

October 25--Bush opens his first press conference in two years with prepared remarks. He defends his new round of proposed tax cuts by saying that "those who say my plan only helps America's wealthy are always playing cards with the welfare class—I mean, they’re always playing the class warfare card." He reiterates his recent warning to the French press to discontinue its anti-American editorializing and says he has ordered a naval task force to the Mediterranean "to remind our French friends that when it comes to terrorism, we must all speak the same language, even though we don't, because, well, they speak French and we speak American." He says he will "now open things up for questions, and I have time for three today." A writer from The Washington Times asks, "Mr. President: Boxers or bulldogs?" Bush replies, " I like boxers, myself--provided they're not from California and not named Barbara, of course!" This gets a big chuckle. The next question is from a reporter for the National Review: "Mr. President, if you could cut down a tree, what kind would it be?" The president says, "Well, to re-paraphrase a hero of mine, President Reagan: 'If you cut down one tree, you might as well cut 'em all down!'" A louder laugh rolls around the room. A reporter from the BBC yells over the din, "Mr. President, there are rumors that a nuclear device was detonated in Madison, Wisconsin last month, yet there appears to be a total American news blackout regarding this. Your comments, Mr. President?" The room goes tensely quiet. Bush says nothing for a moment, then declares, "No lunch for you, young lady! Heh-heh!" The reporters erupt into back-slapping guffaws. Bush waves to the group and leaves the room. The BBC reporter is surrounded quickly by several large Secret Service agents and whisked through a side door.

November 4--Election results announced by Fox/ABC, Fox/NBC, Fox/CBS, and Fox/CNN one minute after West Coast polls close show that George Bush has overwhelmingly won a third term as President of the United States, garnering 89% of the total votes cast and all electoral delegates. The Democratic candidate, John Edwards, receives 10% of the popular vote; Nader Party candidate Ralph Nader, who died two years ago, 1%.

November 5--Angry demonstrations protesting the previous night’s announced election results occur nationwide. Police and Fox/Pinkerton security forces open fire without warning in several cities, killing scores of people in New York, Chicago, San Francisco, Boise, Selma, Abilene, and elsewhere. None of the incidents are reported by the nation’s media.

* “Gelobt sei unser meister, Jesus Christus,” according to means: “Our master, Jesus Christ, is praised.” If this is incorrect, please email them, not me--the only German I know is my neighbor, Mr. Schneider.

(For great access to real-time shenanigans, indignities, and downright criminal acts by the Bushies, go to

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