HEIGHTENED TERROR ALERT
WASHINGTON, DC - The FBI and DHS have contacted the nation's police
departments strongly urging heightened security this Fourth of July
weekend. Special Agent Barry Maddox, Public Relations Director for the
Baltimore Field Office, explained that despite the fact that there is absolutely
no solid evidence of any threat whatsoever, it was entirely possible that
terrorists would seize upon the nation's holiday and stage unparalleled
attacks. Boaters and picnickers were warned to be on alert for booby trapped
coolers and condom packages. Special attention should be given to women
who appear pregnant but are actually not pregnant. When asked how citizens
were to determine if a woman were not actually pregnant, while appearing to be
pregnant, Special Agent Maddox declined to reply, stating that he could neither
confirm nor deny that he understood the question.
Tom Ridge, Directory of the Department of Homeland Security sent out a
special alert asking Americans to be wary of the homeless, especially those
homeless individuals standing about for apparently no reason, sitting on park
benches or asking for change. Director Ridge explained that terrorists
could very well disguise themselves as homeless Americans. When asked why
they would choose to disguise themselves as members of that segment of the
population most likely to be harassed by police, rather than as, for example,
the leader of a governmental department or an FBI agent, Director Ridge declined
to comment.
Meanwhile, things began to heat up in Florida when the President's brother,
Jeb Bush, issued a warning to be on the look out for dogs walking
strangely. Unconfirmed chatter pointed to the use of pooches with weapons
of mass destruction shoved up their asses. Even the most friendly of dogs
could be unwitting al-Qaeda agents. Any dog droppings seen on sidewalks
should be circled in chalk and local authorities should be contacted
immediately. Citizens are warned not to pick up the dog droppings, smell
them or carry them home.