HEIGHTENED TERROR ALERT

WASHINGTON, DC - The FBI and DHS have contacted the nation's police departments strongly urging heightened security this Fourth of July weekend. Special Agent Barry Maddox, Public Relations Director for the Baltimore Field Office, explained that despite the fact that there is absolutely no solid evidence of any threat whatsoever, it was entirely possible that terrorists would seize upon the nation's holiday and stage unparalleled attacks. Boaters and picnickers were warned to be on alert for booby trapped coolers and condom packages. Special attention should be given to women who appear pregnant but are actually not pregnant. When asked how citizens were to determine if a woman were not actually pregnant, while appearing to be pregnant, Special Agent Maddox declined to reply, stating that he could neither confirm nor deny that he understood the question.

Tom Ridge, Directory of the Department of Homeland Security sent out a special alert asking Americans to be wary of the homeless, especially those homeless individuals standing about for apparently no reason, sitting on park benches or asking for change. Director Ridge explained that terrorists could very well disguise themselves as homeless Americans. When asked why they would choose to disguise themselves as members of that segment of the population most likely to be harassed by police, rather than as, for example, the leader of a governmental department or an FBI agent, Director Ridge declined to comment.

Meanwhile, things began to heat up in Florida when the President's brother, Jeb Bush, issued a warning to be on the look out for dogs walking strangely. Unconfirmed chatter pointed to the use of pooches with weapons of mass destruction shoved up their asses. Even the most friendly of dogs could be unwitting al-Qaeda agents. Any dog droppings seen on sidewalks should be circled in chalk and local authorities should be contacted immediately. Citizens are warned not to pick up the dog droppings, smell them or carry them home.