Iraqis Seize Hyannisport

(AP) -- In what has been a week of setbacks for the U.S. military, elements of the 51st Iraqi Armored Division have consolidated their forces on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, and have begun raining artillery on the residents of Barnstable Village and Osterville.

"They took us by surprise," said Town Manager Ichabod Woonsocket. "We had no idea that the 51st Iraqi Division was still in operation after last week's report that they had surrendered en masse, and today, they've made a beachhead on Cape Cod."

While the President has assured Massachusetts residents that "the war is right on schedule, right on schedule," local residents have begun to question the disconnect between what they see and hear on the nightly news and what has happened to their own little slice of small-town America.

"The mortahs stahted fallen on us aht furst laight. My Jon Deah mowah took a direct hit. I haven't seen my dahg since lahst night," said a frightened resident who didn't want to give his name, fearing retribution from roving bands of Massachusetts militiamen loyal to the President. These bands have reportedly dressed as civilians and have used local homes to cover their movements in ambushes and sniping attacks on Iraqi soldiers whose only goal is to bring relief and freedom.

Hassan Akbar, commander of the Nebuchadnezzar Division of the Republican Guard, has said that he is surprised that more Americans have not welcomed the invaders as Iraqi war planners promised.

"We expected that these people would come out and greet us with Halvah and daffodils, oh yes, but it is not so. They are very unhappy that we have burned their Wal-Mart to the ground and the elementary school as well. They have hidden weapons there and that is no excuse, no excuse at all," thundered the mustachioed commander from his perch atop a Russian T-72 tank parked on the corner of Mill Way and Main Street. "Many of my men are concerned about how long this will take and how soon they can get back to their coppersmithing and their CD-burner shops in Basra."

Reporters from Al-Jazeera, embedded in the unit, have given reports that the Massachusetts National Guard has surrendered as well as elements of the 10th Mountain Division, although sporadic fire could still be heard this morning. It is estimated that over 20,000 Americans have already walked into the detention camps, looking for a bowl of lentils and freedom.

"They are killing their own people - women, children, anyone who refuses to support the Bush Regime," said one Iraqi officer. "They force them out in front of our guns as human shields and we have no choice but to shoot them all, shoot them all. They claim that they are crossing guards, but you can see by the belts they wear that they are a part of a paramilitary unit and must be neutralized. It is a shame, but it is war."

President Saddam Hussein has said that he expects Operation Restore Freedom should be over shortly, as the Americans reject the tyranny they have lived under for the past fifty years in order to once again have a voice in their own government.