In effort to attack corporate corruption and "crack down on those rascally varmints," president George W. Bush announced today a new cabinet-level office to wage his War on Capitalist Greed.
"Make no mistake," the president said. "This is a war, and you're either with us, or you're with the greedy capitalists."
Heading the new Greed Office Defense initiative, or GOD initiative, will be former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay. "Make no mistake, we will do everything in our power to fight capitalist greed wherever it occurs," Lay's attorney said in a statement following the president's address. Lay himself was unavailable for direct comment.
According to White House officials, Lay was chosen because of his firsthand experience with capitalist greed and corruption. "We felt he was the perfect man for the job," one administration official said. "And Michael Milken was...busy. With philanthropy work."
With Lay in place, the White House feels it has assembled at last the perfect combination of brain power and brute force to carry out what will no doubt be a long and drawn-out battle with the forces of corporate and capitalist greed. "Cheney, Ashcroft, Bush, and now Lay--with this Dream Team of capitalist greed fighters, we can't lose!" said one White House official.
"Make no mistake--maybe not in our generation, or the next one, or even the next one, but eventually, the forces of greedism and corruptionality will be vanquished forever--unless the world all goes to hell first," said president Bush from his oil ranch in Texas, before giving a thumbs-up and riding off into the sunset.
Asked for comment on the new office, and whether they may be asked to help carry out the president's initiative, WorldCom executives pleaded the Fifth Amendment.