Praise Jesus and pass the Humanitarian Relief
I must say, it was an amazing sermon this morning down at The Blessed Cross of Humanity Christian Church, here on the Oregon coast. Reverend Goodbum was in fine, if not dead serious form. Todays topic, of course, was Terrorism. A topic that cannot be overdone, in my opinion.
Reverend Goodbum started his sermon by reminding the flock of the terrible tragedy that took place there in New York. There at the WTC. He told us all to keep our televisions and radios on twenty four and seven, so that we would never forget the mindless loss of 9-11. He told us to buy a news paper every day, and most of all, to trust in the word of our Christian leaders in Federal Government. As they were anointed by God Almighty to lead us through this difficult time. He told us not to follow Satan’s temptations and try not to question our Christian President, as so many hell bound heathens are doing today. He reminded us that President Bush was put into office by Christians, to lead as only a Christian can.
I was especially pleased to hear Reverend Goodbum offer the flock a precise definition of exactly what a terrorist is. According to the Reverend, a terrorist is an individual, or group, that goes off to another sovereign nation and kills innocent people for political reasons. A terrorist will kill for religious reasons, or simply to take natural resources that don’t belong to them. A terrorist is generally from a religious country. A country that is led around by religious fanatics and crooked, right wing governments. If you would have been in church that moment, you would have seen the wide eyes of fear, clear through the flock.
Then he began the part of his sermon that touched on “Humanitarian Relief.” As he said, this is the first time in world history that a Christian army has traveled across the world to wage a war of freedom, while dropping bombs and food rations at the same time. He called it, “Love Bombing.” And you should have seen the teary eyes all through the flock when he said “Love Bombing.” I myself had to fight to hold back the tears. To think of the kindness, the brotherhood of those Air force pilots, made me so emotional. I’ll tell you, we must have the most kind and decent bunch of military people in the history of the world. Just to know that those Afghan heathens are not only going to be led toward the true faith of Christianity, but they are going to be fed at the same time. Then we took up a collection, right then and there, for the Reverends new pilot program, “Love Bombs for Jesus.”
Then the reverend went on to tell us about Islam, and about how we need to quit seeing them as the puppets of a schizophrenic religion. He told us that surely the Lord, in his wisdom, had some crazy plan that we, his chosen, are not able to understand at this moment. He told us to be very cautious of any brown skinned individual, but not to hurt them. “Watch them. Don’t turn your back on them for one moment. But don’t burn and loot their homes, or rape their women.” Those were his exact words. He assured us that by the time our Christian President and Christian Military were through with Islam, they would be “begging for Bibles,” just like the Native Americans and African Slaves did.
It was a beautiful day to be in church. It was wonderful to share the joy of Jesus with my neighbors. I feel so full of love and so fortunate to be an American today. A Christian. A “Love Bomber.” And it is so good to know, that as I eat my evening meal today, the heathens in Afghanistan will be able to eat as well. They will be eating rations raining down on them from heaven, from the Love Bombing children of Jesus, from a loving country called, “America the Beautiful.” -God’s own servant, Loren Franklin-