Subject: DEA Bans Poppy Seed Foods
Last week, the U.S. DEA banned all food manufactured with poppy seeds, delivering a shocking blow to the sandwich bun, muffin, and bagel industries. According to DEA officials, any product that contains any amount of opium is, and has always been, illegal.
At General Foods, poppy seeds have been deleted from spinach salad dressings, and at Arby's, plans are underway to replace existing stocks of poppy seeded rolls with sesame seed rolls. For several bakeries that produce poppy seed muffins and breads, however, it's not so easy. "Without the seeds, it's just a lemony yellow cake," lamented Omar Garza of Entemmann's bakery in Montebello.
Area stoner and hardware store employee, Abra "Cadabra" Hickey, was indignant. "Now I won't have the 'poppy seed cake' excuse anymore. Those fascists at Home Depot have my ass the next time they piss test me."
Local celebrity Joseph Kirschinbaum of Cerritos, a two time Pillsbury Bake Off winner and heterosexual father of two, said, "I'm frantic. We just cleared the house of all my poppy seeds, hemp seeds, diet pills, pain killers, industrial solvents, bleaches, prescription drugs, mouthwashes, and alcohol. It's our patriotic duty to eliminate harmful intoxicants from society. If we can't unify in sobriety, we'll never win this war."