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News you'll never hear on CNN (a parody)

by Linda Wasson Tuesday, Oct. 16, 2001 at 8:51 PM
linda@oneyedmulephoto.com

What was once a respected news program has debased itself to not much better than a mouthpiece for a propaganda-spewing government. Maybe it's time we held their feet to the fire with a bit of satire.

News you'll never hear on CNN (a parody)

Viewers might notice that everyone here at the anchor desk is dressed in black tonight, actually even our camera people and tech crew are too. We took a vote at a meeting last night and decided to show solidarity with the blak bloc who we feel have been unfairly persecuted by the government.

We start off this evening with an expansion of coverage on the Mumia Abu Jamal case. As the evidence continues to grow that not only Mumia is innocent, but prosecutorial misconduct did indeed take place, CNN will continue its report with interviews from the Friends and Family of Mumia Abu Jamal, a series that we hope will pressure the Justice Department for a review of Mumia's case. We here at CNN believe that it is indeed our duty to support our brother journalist who has been imprisoned for so many years and will do everything we can to inform the public about his situation.

And later this evening, our special report continues "Election 2000 - Stolen by a Family Dynasty"

Please take a moment and vote on our new poll tonight at CNN.com -
If the Bush Administration escalates the current war in Afghanistan to nuclear strikes, would you vote to re-elect George W. in 2004?

And now, a Special Investigative Report from the Independent Media Center on racial profiling.

Of course, we should take a moment for a commercial break from our sponsor, but we feel it's more important to give you an update on the current homeless problem across the country, so we'll just forego commercials for now.

Please take a moment and vote on our other poll tonight at CNN.com:
Would you lower your thermostat 2 degrees this winter if it meant not drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge?

From the Financial Desk: We here at CNN Financial News have felt just so bad about the economy that we the anchors and other executives including board members voted to accept a cross-the-board pay cut of 20% in order to avoid employee layoffs here at CNN.

And from our Indigenous Peoples Desk, an update on Leonard Peltier's current situation in prison - why was clemency denied a man whom we all know was wrongfully convicted? Did Bill Clinton bow to pressure by the FBI?

Last but not least, from the CNN Sports Desk, our continuing pledge to provide equal time to women's sports has been very successful so we start off with a special look at women's professional soccer, continuing with women's track and field and finally, a spotlight on the women's gymnastics team heading for the next Olympics.

That's it for tonight. We hope you enjoyed our program, but if you didn't please be advised that we believe it is more important to keep you informed than to sugar coat the truth or avoid it altogether.
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