Thank you, my name is Gimme More, of the Public Relations Firm B. Leave This. I want to welcome you to this special engagement and announce our keynote speaker Dr. Henry Kissinger, Nobel Peace Prize winner, former national security advisor and Secretary of State to President Richard Nixon. Dr. Kissinger was the architect for realpolitik diplomacy in the post-Cold War era, who bargained for peace in war-ravaged Vietnam and opened diplomatic relations with Red China, now two nations that have modeled themselves after America's democratic model and are welcomed into the global market with open arms. We are truly privilaged to be granted this special visit by the former Secretary whose advice is sought at ,000 an appearance by policymakers and businessmen alike. His public relations expertise is now given to corporations and dictators who oddly enough seem to have the same "poor image" problems. Well I wish I could get a job with his PR firm, I'll tell you that. I'd be making a hell of a lot more than I am right now.

Before we get started I would like to say that Dr. Kissinger has agreed to discuss his new book in a completely open forum with interested members of the community with the understanding that certain rules must be strictly adhered to.

There shall be absolutely no questions regarding:

1. war crimes

2. crimes against humanity

3. offenses against international law, customary law, common law, or any law for that matter

4. conspiracy to commit murder, kidnap or torture in any country North or South of the equator.

Dr. Kissinger is extremely anxious about the following areas -- in fact, with the recent detention of Augusto Pinochet, the Secretary is suffereing from high blood pressure and audience members are specifically asked to stay away from the following sensitive subjects:

In general, there will be no discussion on the subject of Operation Condor and alleged torture and disappearances of union leaders, teachers, priests and nuns. Now really, does that sound like the Nobel Peace Prize winner we all know and love?

Nor will he be taking any questions on any events that occured between the years of 1969-76, while he was head of covert operations for the CIA. You wouldn't ask those kinds of questions of Dr. Martin Luther King another Nobel Ptize laurreate. No, that's generally how the Nobel Peace Prize works -- you have to be a good person to win it. Hence the word peace.

Dr. Kissinger wants to exonerate himself of accusations that he was in any way involved in the planning of murder of former Chilean President Salvador Allende or of the car-bombing of Orlando Letelier and his American Secretary Ronni Moffitt. I am told that the FBI have been following a lead on the car-bombing that points to a random act of Islamic Terrorism or perhaps a leftwing attack by a radical Aboriginie gruop from Australia.

On the same note we will not be making any statements on the Palestinian Question. We all know what the answer to that question is anyway. No, no, and no.

He wants to debunk the rumor that he is responsible for agitating the Iran-Irag war in '74 or that the issue had anything to do with US dependency on oil.

He felt that the United States was completely justified in supporting what some call genocide, but we call a freedom fight in Angola.

He is especially tired of the subject of East Timor. Really, what are we going to do with that pesky Pacifica journalist Amy Goodman. I thought that we had solved the Pacifica problem once and for all but she's still there. We will not be addressing any horrendous accusations that she has made about Dr. Kissinger, or made by that libelous do-gooder Christopher Hitchens and his book "The Trial of Henry Kissinger." Don't people have anything to do with their freetime these days but pick on good people who do nothing but good work to save democracy? If these journalists don't watch it they'll be sued or shut down.

Nixon also feels a little uncomfortable about questions regarding mass murder and assassinations in Bangladesh.

And for his poor health we should probably also not mention charges that he was inviolved in a plan to murder the head of state in Cyprus.

He also believes that the Paris Peace talks of '68 were doomed to failure and that the carpet bombing of Cambodia was a tragic but clear example of the necessity of realpolitik diplomacy which brought about the successful round of peace talks in Paris four years later. Some may argue that 20,000 Americans and countless Vietnamese, Cambodians, and Laotians lost their lives in that delicate peace process. That may seem disturbing to the weak minded. But Kissinger explains for those who are confused the complex but imperative nature of realpolitik diplomacy in his book. The most significant example being the bombing of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, which though eradiating the country, maming and killing women and children also and more importantly brought about a swift end to the Second World War. And off the record between you and me, weren't the Japanese asking for it with Pearl Harbor? Now that's what I call realpolitik diplomacy.

Dr. Kissinger will now take questions from the public:

Audience member #1: How is the weather today, Dr. Kissinger?

Kissinger: Good question. Fine.

Audience member #2: How do you feel about recent charges that you yourself are a war criminal and should be held accountable for involvement in the murder of Allende and countless others who struggled for freedom in countries all over the world?

Kissinger: (inserting fingers into both ears) La,la,la,la, I can't hear you.

Gimme More (PR representative): Now look what you've done, you've gone and upset Dr. Kissinger. Please refer to your list of questions passed out at the beginning of our session. Please escort that gentleman away. Can anyone ask the former Secretary a more appropriate question?

Audience member #3: What did you have for lunch?

Kissinger: I had the veal, it was quite good thank you.