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UltramegaSoulBuyer.com Inc. monopolizes Breathable Oxygen market

by MCAlien Thursday, Feb. 01, 2001 at 4:59 AM
MCA@futureland.com Somewhere in the near future

If Someone were to have told your grandparents that someday they would have to pay for water they would have laughed at you. They would have had a reason to. In the world they believed they lived in, it was inconceivable that something so fundamental and abundant as water would someday be limited and thusly, exploited. Yes. Exploited. They would have probably said something to the effect of “do they charge for air in this futureland too?” We laugh. Of course that would never happen. How could something so fundamental and abundant as....Oh shit.


This is a broadcast from the future!

UltramegaSoulBuyer.com Inc. has just purchased exclusivity of the Breathable Oxygen market. The announcement was made at a press conference at the exclusive Orbital Sheraton/Pepsi resort .

What does this mean to the average consumer?

Experts say “very little”. The price of Oxygen PPS for an average franchised household will only increase a couple of dollars per hour.

Corporate lobbyists for MakeEverythingSuckForever.net Ltd. argued before FEDNAV for a last minute moratorium on the deal – insisting that total control over the Breathable Oxygen market would endanger their monopoly on RealTime fire and flame synthesizer market – but their plea was rejected when they lost the Supreme Justice’s mitigated bidding war to UltramegaSoulBuyer.com Inc..

UltramegaSoulBuyer.com Inc. spokesman Ian Smith said “We’re happy to take the reigns on this market only because it allows us the chance to deliver our customers just about the finest, most life-sustaining oxygen they can buy”.

Meanwhile, beneath the luxury of the low-earth-orbit economic summit, South American Enviro/human rights activists and ultraradical green anarchists attempted to stage a protest but instead clashed with FEDNAV security forces in Rio De Janeiro by pelting them with “debris”. FEDNAV peace officers subdued the crowd of about 900,000 with non-lethal sticky bombs and neural tranquilizers.

And now for the weather….

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