The Powers That Seem

Author: Stephen DeVoy

After traveling hundreds of light years across the galaxy, the craft entered the orbit of a yellow star.  The explorers within were awoken from their hibernation.  They climbed, dazed from the decades of sleep, out from their cocoons to resume their mission of exploration.  They were nine in total but acted at most times like one, such was their nature.  Observing their coordinated teamwork, it was impossible to identify a leader, for no one gave orders and no one followed.  They were at once a collective and a set of individuals.

Their craft surveyed the system of planets orbiting the yellow star.  It had properties not uncommon to many that their kind had encountered before: a single star orbited by an inner band of small rocky planets, a center band of large gaseous planets, and an outer band of icy bodies.  Their past experience suggested the correct place to look for life.  The craft settled into an orbit around the star such that it found itself in the middle of the inner band, which in this case left the orbit of two planets between it and the star and another two planets between it and the center band.

Probes were launched to explore the four inner planets, one of which targeted the third planet from the star.  The team poured over the data and found the third planet most interesting.  It had oceans of liquid water, an atmosphere rich in compounds impossible without the presence of life, and a scan of the radio spectrum unveiled thousands of broadcasts of signals whose content could only be explained by the presence of intelligent life.

The decision was made to begin the mission by exploring the third planet.  Three of the team members entered a smaller craft and departed the mother ship, their destination Earth.  They were awed the beauty of the planet growing larger and larger in the window of their landing craft.  They entered its orbit, analyzed the emissions from the planet, and decided to land in a city they would later learn was Washington , D.C. capitol of the United States of America .

As it happened, they landed in the street in front of D.A.R.P.A.  Before leaving their craft, they donned their protective suits, equipped with a supply of air appropriate to their species.  They packed food, scientific equipment, jars for samples and various tools for digging.  They had no weapons.  Weapons had never been needed before.

Filled with excitement, they opened the hatch ready to emerge from their craft.  The door opened.  They stood before the door looking out onto the street in front of D.A.R.P.A.  To their horror, they saw before them an array of weapons, police and military personnel deployed by the local population of primitive looking creatures.  Sensors indicated a horrible stench.

Quickly, they shut the door.  The collective had decided that more preparation would be necessary before sampling.  They returned to their seats, programmed their craft to return to orbit around the planet and ascended back into space.

Orbiting Earth, they electronically linked with their mother ship.  Their minds connected and they devised a strategy to engage Earth.  Using their advanced technology, they linked with Earth satellites, established an Internet connection, and hacked into systems around the world.  They downloaded every scintilla of human knowledge and analyzed it.  They reviewed the history of humanity, the human genome, human art and entertainment and everything they could find about the dominant species on Earth.  They prepared for their mission.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Pentagon found itself confronted by the media.  Many had seen the landing of the craft from another world.  The Government could not deny that the event had occurred.  Questions were raised about the security of the capitol.  After all, despite their preparations for attack from foreign powers and terrorists, an extraterrestrial craft had landed right in front of D.A.R.P.A.  Not only had it landed, but the door had opened and three extraterrestrials, without weapons, had stood there staring face to face with the most powerful military on the planet and then, without explanation, left.  If they were capable of this, what else were they capable of?

The major news channels paraded a long list of rent-an-experts whom opined eloquently about the probable intentions of the extraterrestrials, what it meant for the stock market, and how it revealed the nation's military inadequacies.  Bill O’Reilly read an email on his “No Spin Zone,” that he claimed to have received from one of the aliens.  Rush Limbaugh pontificated on how extraterrestrials posed a threat to our family values.  Congress held an emergency session, passed a few dozen laws governing the movements of extraterrestrials and then emerged teary eyed onto the plaza to sing "America the Beautiful" before a large array of television cameras.

In the offices of a small artificial intelligence firm in Austin , Texas , a rather rotund CEO and president of the defense contractor MeCorp, held an emergency meeting of his management team.  Mr. Tanel was excited about the possibility of profiting from the alien visit.  He sat an the end of the conference room table, full of self importance, hands steepled in a pyramid shape to indicate his superiority, much like the lead dog of a pack raises his tail to reveal his asshole to the sniffing followers behind him, and began to speak.

"I've brought you all here to brainstorm about applying our technology the new situation in Washington .  I’ve received word from D.A.R.P.A. Funds are pouring in for projects assisting the Pentagon with the alien threat.  Some proposals are being tailored specifically to ensure that I get the contract.  Defense contractors are being asked to provide any assistance they can.  That means profit.  Now, do we have any low hanging fruit?"

Mr. Tanel looked around, eyeing his staff of brownnoses one by one, hoping for an idea to call his own.  Dave, a former leader in D.A.R.P.A. now cashing in on his government influence to make a few extra dollars, spoke first.

"Have we considered contacting the aliens?" Dave asked.  "They may offer even higher pay for assisting them in dealing with the Pentagon!"

Mr. Tanel smirked, "Let's try cashing in with the devil we know first.  We can always follow your suggestion as a backup plan should D.A.R.P.A. fail to fund us."

Michael shifted in his chair.  He was trying to think of something to say.  After all, here he was at the management table, a position he gained by backstabbing others, and he really needed to prove he knew something, so he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

"I really like your tie, Mr. Tanel," he said.  "It goes well with your eyes."

Mr. Tanel smiled and played footsies with Michael beneath the table while glancing over at Steve.

"Do you have any input, Steve?"

"Well, let's see.  Since our product is the world's largest knowledgebase of common sense, or at least that is what you call it, perhaps we could offer it to the aliens in exchange for their library of knowledge about the universe," Steve said.  "I don't see any need to help the Pentagon 'deal with anything,' since nothing has happened."

Robert turned red, looked at Steve and said, "Don't impose your anarchist beliefs on us, Steve.  This is not the place for this!"  He enjoyed making himself seem important at the expense of someone else.

Just after saying this, Robert's mind drifted off into a day dream.  He was in Austria once again surrounded by beautiful white people, all of them Christians like himself and all of them good, beautiful people.  Visions of a Nazi flag danced in his head as the strains of German war songs played in the background.  Suddenly he snapped out of it.

"Look," said Steve, "wouldn't alien knowledge be worth more to us than some contract with D.A.R.P.A.?"

Mr. Tanel shifted again in his chair.  His hemorrhoids were acting up again.  "Why not do both?  We could help D.A.R.P.A., take their funds, fritter them away on our own research, deliver the minimum we agree to, which is never more than just trying anyway, and then approach the aliens about trading knowledge!"

Robert was pissed.  Once again he failed to shine.

There was a knock at the door.  Ms. Bo-Poop, Tanel's wife, daughter of a prostitute, opened the door to see who it was.  Roland stood just outside the door; he neglected to wear panties under his skirt.  The stench of his body odor wafted into the room.

"Yes, Roland?" asked Mr. Tanel.  "This had better be important!"

"Yes, it is important," said Roland.  "It is now 2:12 PM and I have a thing about the number 212, so I was wondering if I could go home, think about 212 and then come back when I am able to think about something else?"

"No Roland," said Tanel.  "Get back to work!"

Roland blushed, did a curtsey, and returned to his office.

The meeting resumed.

At the other end of the Northeast Corridor, another AI firm was having a similar meeting.  They already had a contract with the TSA and hoped that they could leverage this relationship.  Marie Antoinette, president of the corporation, led the meeting.  It began with a round of espresso for everyone at the table, followed by some Danishes.  Next, Marie led the traditional ritual defamation session where someone from her past was smeared and slandered.  As was expected, the attendees joined in the ritual, kissing Marie’s butt in fear that they too may one day be targeted.  Finally, the serious part of the meeting began.

"Does anyone have any ideas about applying our existing software to the problem of alien invasion?" asked Marie.

Phil, dressed well in his suit, spoke first.

"I propose we adjust our CAPS system to screen aliens for intent.  We can suggest a method for determining just which extraterrestrials pose a danger and which do not.  The TSA can use it to screen extraterrestrials as they exit their craft."

"That’s brilliant," said Mr. Brown.

"Outstanding," said Mr. Nose.

Phil assumed his facial pose of superiority and they continued.

"Just how will we determine what extraterrestrials are threats and which are not threats," asked Mr. Brown?

Marie looked over at Mr. Brown.  She asked, "Mr. Brown, I noticed a picture on the wall of your office.  Why is there a picture of a very young girl in your office?"

Mr. Brown felt a cold shiver run down his spine.  This is how it often began with Ms. Antoinette.  "That’s my daughter!" he replied.

"Why does she have that smile on her face, Mr. Brown?" she asked.

Mr. Brown replied, "I think it’s because I told her to say 'Cheese!'"

"Are you sure?" Marie asked.

Everyone was silent.  Phil began to speak again, "OK that is what we will propose.  I’ll have the proposal on your desk at the end of the day, Marie."  The meeting ended.  Marie gathered the crumbs from the Danishes and brought them out to the developers, whom she referred to as her little rodents.

Back in Washington , D.C. the fax machines were running overtime.  Proposal after proposal came in from defense contractors across the country.  Mr. Tanel's team sent in a proposal to use their product to understand the leadership structure of alien invasion teams.  Ms. Antoinette sent in Phil’s proposal under her own name.  There were proposals for everything under the sun, including a proposal to study the possible sexual positions in human/extraterrestrial sexual encounters.

Billions of dollars were allocated to deal with the alien threat.  Mr. Tanel hired dozens of new workers to fulfill the contract, which was a promise to "just try hard."  Ms. Antoinette, using a different model, had her workers put in 80 hours per week, thereby increasing her personal profit without hiring additional workers.  Somewhere in San Diego , a couple received a check for $200,000.00 to study human/extraterrestrial sexual encounters.  Small farm animals were used to simulate extraterrestrials.

The aliens, however, were unaware of all of this.  They had collectively produced their plan and were ready to execute it.  A series of small probes emerged from the landing craft, still in orbit of the Earth.  They descended upon the United States , flying just below the clouds and released a storm of $100.00 dollar bills.  The bills wafted down from the heavens in a huge storm.  In some places it is estimated that they accumulated into piles three feet deep.

All across the United States , people poured out of their homes.  They frantically collected the cash, stuffing their homes full of it.  Even after filling up their homes with cash, they continued to look for more, piling it up in their backyards.  Neighbors were seen fighting neighbors over $100.00 bills that blew from one yard to the next.  No one went to work.  They spent their day collecting the cash.  All of the soldiers went AWOL.  All of the police failed to report for duty.  Chaos broke out.

Next the aliens released a magnificent electromagnetic pulse, frying all electronic equipment worldwide.  The lights went out.  The televisions went blank.  The trains and busses stopped.  The motors of cars went dead.  Life on Earth came to a stop.

The alien landing craft once again descended to the Earth, landing in front of D.A.R.P.A.  The aliens transformed their appearance into topless Hooters girls.  They emerged from their craft, stepped onto the surface of the Earth, and collected samples of grass, bugs, and soil into jars.

No one noticed them.  They returned to their craft, ascended into space and returned to the mother ship.  Aliens never visited Earth again.

Copyright © 2004-2005, Stephen DeVoy. All rights reserved. No permission to reproduce is granted without explicit permission, in writing, of the author.