The\r\nPowers That Seem\r\n\r\n<\/p>
Author: Stephen\r\nDeVoy\r\n<\/b><\/p>\r\n
After traveling hundreds of light years across the\r\ngalaxy, the craft entered the orbit of a yellow star. \r\n<\/span>The explorers within were awoken from their hibernation. \r\n<\/span>They climbed, dazed from the decades of sleep, out from their cocoons to\r\nresume their mission of exploration. <\/span>They\r\nwere nine in total but acted at most times like one, such was their nature. \r\n<\/span>Observing their coordinated teamwork, it was impossible to identify a\r\nleader, for no one gave orders and no one followed. \r\n<\/span>They were at once a collective and a set of individuals.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Their craft surveyed the system of planets orbiting the\r\nyellow star. <\/span>It had properties not\r\nuncommon to many that their kind had encountered before: a single star orbited\r\nby an inner band of small rocky planets, a center band of large gaseous planets,\r\nand an outer band of icy bodies. <\/span>Their\r\npast experience suggested the correct place to look for life. \r\n<\/span>The craft settled into an orbit around the star such that it found itself\r\nin the middle of the inner band, which in this case left the orbit of two\r\nplanets between it and the star and another two planets between it and the\r\ncenter band.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Probes were launched to explore the four inner planets,\r\none of which targeted the third planet from the star. \r\n<\/span>The team poured over the data and found the third planet most\r\ninteresting. <\/span>It had oceans of liquid\r\nwater, an atmosphere rich in compounds impossible without the presence of life,\r\nand a scan of the radio spectrum unveiled thousands of broadcasts of signals\r\nwhose content could only be explained by the presence of intelligent life.<\/b><\/p>\r\n The decision was made to begin the mission by exploring\r\nthe third planet. <\/span>Three of the team\r\nmembers entered a smaller craft and departed the mother ship, their destination\r\nEarth. <\/span>They were awed the beauty of\r\nthe planet growing larger and larger in the window of their landing craft. \r\n<\/span>They entered its orbit, analyzed the emissions from the planet, and\r\ndecided to land in a city they would later learn was \r\nWashington\r\n, \r\nD.C.\r\n capitol of the \r\n\r\nUnited States of America\r\n\r\n.<\/b><\/p>\r\n As it happened, they landed in the street in front of D.A.R.P.A. \r\n<\/span>Before leaving their craft, they donned their protective suits, equipped\r\nwith a supply of air appropriate to their species. \r\n<\/span>They packed food, scientific equipment, jars for samples and various\r\ntools for digging. <\/span>They had no\r\nweapons. <\/span>Weapons had never been\r\nneeded before.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Filled with excitement, they opened the hatch ready to\r\nemerge from their craft. <\/span>The door\r\nopened. <\/span>They stood before the door\r\nlooking out onto the street in front of D.A.R.P.A. \r\n<\/span>To their horror, they saw before them an array of weapons, police and\r\nmilitary personnel deployed by the local population of primitive looking\r\ncreatures. <\/span>Sensors indicated a\r\nhorrible stench.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Quickly, they shut the door. \r\n<\/span>The collective had decided that more preparation would be necessary\r\nbefore sampling. <\/span>They returned to\r\ntheir seats, programmed their craft to return to orbit around the planet and\r\nascended back into space.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Orbiting Earth, they electronically linked with their\r\nmother ship. <\/span>Their minds connected\r\nand they devised a strategy to engage Earth. \r\n<\/span>Using their advanced technology, they linked with Earth satellites,\r\nestablished an Internet connection, and hacked into systems around the world. \r\n<\/span>They downloaded every scintilla of human knowledge and analyzed it. \r\n<\/span>They reviewed the history of humanity, the human genome, human art and\r\nentertainment and everything they could find about the dominant species on\r\nEarth. <\/span>They prepared for their\r\nmission.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Pentagon found itself\r\nconfronted by the media. <\/span>Many had\r\nseen the landing of the craft from another world. \r\n<\/span>The Government could not deny that the event had occurred. \r\n<\/span>Questions were raised about the security of the capitol. \r\n<\/span>After all, despite their preparations for attack from foreign powers and\r\nterrorists, an extraterrestrial craft had landed right in front of D.A.R.P.A. \r\n<\/span>Not only had it landed, but the door had opened and three\r\nextraterrestrials, without weapons, had stood there staring face to face with\r\nthe most powerful military on the planet and then, without explanation, left. \r\n<\/span>If they were capable of this, what else were they capable of?<\/b><\/p>\r\n The major news channels paraded a long list of\r\nrent-an-experts whom opined eloquently about the probable intentions of the\r\nextraterrestrials, what it meant for the stock market, and how it revealed the\r\nnation's military inadequacies. <\/span>Bill\r\nO’Reilly read an email on his “No Spin Zone,” that he claimed to have\r\nreceived from one of the aliens. <\/span>Rush\r\nLimbaugh pontificated on how extraterrestrials posed a threat to our family\r\nvalues. <\/span>Congress held an emergency\r\nsession, passed a few dozen laws governing the movements of extraterrestrials\r\nand then emerged teary eyed onto the plaza to sing \"America\r\n\r\n the Beautiful\" before a large array of television cameras.<\/b><\/p>\r\n In the offices of a small artificial intelligence firm\r\nin \r\n\r\nAustin\r\n, \r\nTexas\r\n\r\n, a rather rotund CEO and president of the defense contractor MeCorp, held an\r\nemergency meeting of his management team. <\/span>Mr.\r\nTanel was excited about the possibility of profiting from the alien visit. \r\n<\/span>He sat an the end of the conference room table, full of self importance,\r\nhands steepled in a pyramid shape to indicate his superiority, much like the\r\nlead dog of a pack raises his tail to reveal his asshole to the sniffing\r\nfollowers behind him, and began to speak.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"I've brought you all here to brainstorm about\r\napplying our technology the new situation in \r\n\r\nWashington\r\n\r\n. <\/span>I’ve received word from D.A.R.P.A.\r\nFunds are pouring in for projects assisting the Pentagon with the alien threat. \r\n<\/span>Some proposals are being tailored\r\nspecifically to ensure that I get the contract. <\/span>Defense contractors\r\nare being asked to provide any assistance they can. \r\n<\/span>That means profit. <\/span>Now, do we\r\nhave any low hanging fruit?\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Mr. Tanel looked around, eyeing his staff of brownnoses\r\none by one, hoping for an idea to call his own. \r\n<\/span>Dave, a former leader in D.A.R.P.A.\r\nnow cashing in on his government influence to make a few extra dollars, spoke\r\nfirst.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Have we considered contacting the aliens?\"\r\nDave asked. <\/span>\"They may offer\r\neven higher pay for assisting them in dealing with the Pentagon!\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Mr. Tanel smirked, \"Let's try cashing in with the\r\ndevil we know first. <\/span>We can always\r\nfollow your suggestion as a backup plan should D.A.R.P.A.\r\nfail to fund us.\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Michael shifted in his chair. \r\n<\/span>He was trying to think of something to say. \r\n<\/span>After all, here he was at the management table, a position he gained by\r\nbackstabbing others, and he really needed to prove he knew something, so he\r\nblurted out the first thing that came to his mind.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"I really like your tie, Mr. Tanel,\" he said. \r\n<\/span>\"<\/span>It goes well with your eyes.\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Mr. Tanel smiled and played footsies with Michael\r\nbeneath the table while glancing over at Steve.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Do you have any input, Steve?\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Well, let's see. \r\n<\/span>Since our product is the world's largest knowledgebase of common sense,\r\nor at least that is what you call it, perhaps we could offer it to the aliens in\r\nexchange for their library of knowledge about the universe,\" Steve said. \r\n<\/span>\"I don't see any need to help the Pentagon 'deal with anything,'\r\nsince nothing has happened.\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Robert turned red, looked at Steve and said, \"Don't\r\nimpose your anarchist beliefs on us, Steve. \r\n<\/span>This is not the place for this!\" \r\n<\/span>He enjoyed making himself seem important at the expense of someone else.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Just after saying this, Robert's mind drifted off into a\r\nday dream. <\/span>He was in \r\n\r\nAustria\r\n\r\n once again surrounded by beautiful white people, all of them Christians like\r\nhimself and all of them good, beautiful people. \r\n<\/span>Visions of a Nazi flag danced in his head as the strains of German war\r\nsongs played in the background. <\/span>Suddenly\r\nhe snapped out of it.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Look,\" said Steve, \"wouldn't alien\r\nknowledge be worth more to us than some contract with D.A.R.P.A.?\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Mr. Tanel shifted again in his chair. His hemorrhoids\r\nwere acting up again. \"Why not do both? \r\n<\/span>We could help D.A.R.P.A.,\r\ntake their funds, fritter them away on our own research, deliver the minimum we\r\nagree to, which is never more than just trying anyway, and then approach the\r\naliens about trading knowledge!\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Robert was pissed. <\/span>Once\r\nagain he failed to shine.<\/b><\/p>\r\n There was a knock at the door. \r\n<\/span>Ms. Bo-Poop, Tanel's wife, daughter of a prostitute, opened the door to\r\nsee who it was. <\/span>Roland stood just\r\noutside the door; he neglected to wear panties under his skirt. \r\n<\/span>The stench of his body odor wafted into the room.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Yes, Roland?\" asked Mr. Tanel. \r\n<\/span>\"This had better be important!\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Yes, it is important,\" said Roland. \r\n<\/span>\"It is now 2:12 PM and I have a thing about the number 212, so I was\r\nwondering if I could go home, think about 212 and then come back when I am able\r\nto think about something else?\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"No Roland,\" said Tanel. \r\n<\/span>\"Get back to work!\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Roland blushed, did a curtsey, and returned to his\r\noffice.<\/b><\/p>\r\n The meeting resumed.<\/b><\/p>\r\n At the other end of the Northeast Corridor, another AI\r\nfirm was having a similar meeting. <\/span>They\r\nalready had a contract with the TSA\r\nand hoped that they could leverage this relationship. \r\n<\/span>Marie Antoinette, president of the corporation, led the meeting. \r\n<\/span>It began with a round of espresso for everyone at the table, followed by\r\nsome Danishes. <\/span>Next, Marie led the\r\ntraditional ritual defamation session where someone from her past was smeared\r\nand slandered. <\/span>As was expected, the\r\nattendees joined in the ritual, kissing Marie’s butt in fear that they too may\r\none day be targeted. <\/span>Finally, the\r\nserious part of the meeting began.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Does anyone have any ideas about applying our\r\nexisting software to the problem of alien invasion?\" asked Marie.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Phil, dressed well in his suit, spoke first.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"I propose we adjust our CAPS system to screen\r\naliens for intent. <\/span>We can suggest a\r\nmethod for determining just which extraterrestrials pose a danger and which do\r\nnot. <\/span>The TSA\r\ncan use it to screen extraterrestrials as they exit their craft.\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"That’s brilliant,\" said Mr. Brown.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Outstanding,\" said Mr. Nose.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Phil assumed his facial pose of superiority and they\r\ncontinued.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Just how will we determine what extraterrestrials\r\nare threats and which are not threats,\" asked Mr. Brown?<\/b><\/p>\r\n Marie looked over at Mr. Brown. \r\n<\/span>She asked, \"Mr. Brown, I noticed a picture on the wall of your\r\noffice. <\/span>Why is there a picture of a\r\nvery young girl in your office?\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n Mr. Brown felt a cold shiver run down his spine. \r\n<\/span>This is how it often began with Ms. Antoinette. \r\n<\/span>\"That’s my daughter!\" he replied.<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Why does she have that smile on her face, Mr.\r\nBrown?\" she asked.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Mr. Brown replied, \"I think it’s because I told\r\nher to say 'Cheese!'\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n \"Are you sure?\" Marie asked.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Everyone was silent. \r\n<\/span>Phil began to speak again, \"OK that is what we will propose. \r\n<\/span>I’ll have the proposal on your desk at the end of the day, Marie.\" \r\n<\/span>The meeting ended. <\/span>Marie\r\ngathered the crumbs from the Danishes and brought them out to the developers,\r\nwhom she referred to as her little rodents.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Back in \r\n\r\nWashington\r\n, \r\nD.C.\r\n\r\n the fax machines were running overtime. <\/span>Proposal\r\nafter proposal came in from defense contractors across the country. \r\n<\/span>Mr. Tanel's team sent in a proposal to use their product to understand\r\nthe leadership structure of alien invasion teams. \r\n<\/span>Ms. Antoinette sent in Phil’s proposal under her own name. \r\n<\/span>There were proposals for everything under the sun, including a proposal\r\nto study the possible sexual positions in human\/extraterrestrial sexual\r\nencounters.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Billions of dollars were allocated to deal with the\r\nalien threat. <\/span>Mr. Tanel hired dozens\r\nof new workers to fulfill the contract, which was a promise to \"just try\r\nhard.\" <\/span>Ms. Antoinette, using a\r\ndifferent model, had her workers put in 80 hours per week, thereby increasing\r\nher personal profit without hiring additional workers. \r\n<\/span>Somewhere in \r\n\r\nSan Diego\r\n\r\n, a couple received a check for $200,000.00 to study human\/extraterrestrial\r\nsexual encounters. <\/span>Small farm\r\nanimals were used to simulate extraterrestrials.<\/b><\/p>\r\n The aliens, however, were unaware of all of this. \r\n<\/span>They had collectively produced their plan and were ready to execute it. \r\n<\/span>A series of small probes emerged from the landing craft, still in orbit\r\nof the Earth. <\/span>They descended upon\r\nthe \r\n\r\nUnited States\r\n\r\n, flying just below the clouds and released a storm of $100.00 dollar bills. \r\n<\/span>The bills wafted down from the heavens in a huge storm. \r\n<\/span>In some places it is estimated that they accumulated into piles three\r\nfeet deep.<\/b><\/p>\r\n All across the \r\n\r\nUnited States\r\n\r\n, people poured out of their homes. <\/span>They\r\nfrantically collected the cash, stuffing their homes full of it. \r\n<\/span>Even after filling up their homes with cash, they continued to look for\r\nmore, piling it up in their backyards. <\/span>Neighbors\r\nwere seen fighting neighbors over $100.00 bills that blew from one yard to the\r\nnext. <\/span>No one went to work. \r\n<\/span>They spent their day collecting the cash. \r\n<\/span>All of the soldiers went AWOL. <\/span>All\r\nof the police failed to report for duty. <\/span>Chaos\r\nbroke out.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Next the aliens released a magnificent electromagnetic\r\npulse, frying all electronic equipment worldwide. \r\n<\/span>The lights went out. <\/span>The\r\ntelevisions went blank. <\/span>The trains\r\nand busses stopped. <\/span>The motors of\r\ncars went dead. <\/span>Life on Earth came\r\nto a stop.<\/b><\/p>\r\n The alien landing craft once again descended to the\r\nEarth, landing in front of D.A.R.P.A. \r\n<\/span>The aliens transformed their appearance into topless Hooters girls. \r\n<\/span>They emerged from their craft, stepped onto the surface of the Earth, and\r\ncollected samples of grass, bugs, and soil into jars.<\/b><\/p>\r\n No one noticed them. \r\n<\/span>They returned to their craft, ascended into space and returned to the\r\nmother ship. <\/span>Aliens never visited\r\nEarth again.<\/b><\/p>\r\n Copyright © 2004-2005, Stephen DeVoy. All rights reserved. No permission to reproduce is granted without explicit permission, in writing, of the author.
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