In an unprecedented rapid response to the seeming outbreak of a potentially new, virulent and contagious strain of virus or microorganism causing sudden and uncontrollable episodes of deep sleep, the Department of Homeland Security ordered that patients be immediately quarantined, and teams of experts from the Center for Disease Control, the National Institute of Health, the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, and the Stanford School of Medicine’s Center for Narcolepsy be airlifted to UCLA Hospital.

Lumbar punctures (spinal taps) were ordered to determine levels of “hypocretin-1” in the cerebrospinal fluid of the afflicted. Experts were perplexed by results showing normal levels of hypocretins or orexins. The mystery was later solved and the fear of a new health crisis dispelled when an astute statistician from the Stanford School of Medicine’s Center for Narcolepsy noticed that the one thing that all of the complainants had in common was the time when their narcoleptic episodes had occurred – between seven and eight PM on Friday evening, September 27, 2004. After ruling out exposure to chemical agents, the statistician further determined that the patients had all been listening to the radio, and more specifically to KPFK 90.7 on the FM dial. They had all suddenly fallen into deep sleep when the popular and usually fast paced show “Election Hotwire” had aired a segment called “Top Ten Reasons Not To Vote For Bush.”

The Department of Homeland Security has referred review of the incident to the Federal Communication Commission and the Justice Department to determine whether KPFK can be forced to bear the enormous costs.

###

[satire]