Libertarian Free-Marketers

by Tom Tomorrow, (c) 2000

Panel 1: The Libertarian Think Tanks are truly adept at introducing completely ludicrous ideas into mainstream political discourse... For instance, who would have ever expected the privatization of Social Security to be discussed as if it were acutally a RATIONAL PROPOSAL

Man: Well, what could make more sense? The Market ALWAYS pays off in the long run!

Woman: Just, um, try not to retire during a down-turn

Panel 2: Not to mention the ongoing debate over SCHOOL VOUCHERS--Which, proponents have recently taken to arguing, are necessary because the PUBLIC school system actually constitutes a GOVERNMENT MONOPOLY...

G-Man 1: DAMN those robber barons--Forcing us to pay for their schools whether we WANT to or NOT!

G-Man 2: Yes--Of What POSSIBLE benefit could the education of the next generation of Amercians be to US?

Panel 3: And--this is absolutely true--I recently ran across a column by an unabashed Free-Marketer decrying our system on public ROADS as an example of CREEPING SOCIALISM...

Man on Motorcycle: There are streets everywhere you LOOK--and nobody's making a DIME off them!

Man on Scooter: I tell you, it's UN-AMERICAN!

Panel 4: It's hard to predict what these hard working wordsmiths will come up with NEXT in pursuit of their own peculiar utopian vision... But we'll all undoubtedly find out SOON ENOUGH... (in background, plaque: The Patriotism Foundation - Rationalizing Greed Since 1999)

Man 1: The national forests belong to ALL Americans-- Including those who own LOGGING COMPANIES!

Man 2: You wouldn't expect someone to give you a FREE CADILLAC--So why do you expect to enjoy FREE SUNSHINE?

Man 3: If the Founding Fathers had wanted AUTO EMISSION STANDARDS--they'd have put them into the CONSTITUTION!