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God hacks a border crossing

by Foster Saturday, Jun. 25, 2016 at 6:00 AM

New episode of crackbird saga

June 23, 2016

Well, it has been a long trip walking back to Michigan so far. I can barely flap my arms any more and my lips are numb from humming. Even though I am walking through a grassy meadow, the ground behind me looks like a two track from my tired ass dragging so hard. I look ahead and I can see the border between the United States and Canada. The reason I can see it is because there is a small building there for people crossing to check in and out. Now if it is only an unmanned station. As I finally come up to the station, a border agent steps out and says "hello, you coming into the U.S."? For just a minute I think about telling him, " no, I am just walking backwards to the arctic circle for the Guinness book, but you caught me and I will go home now". I thought about this because I know above all else, where there is government, there is stupidity in endless quantities. I was hoping to get out of this alive, but I soon realized it was not going to happen. I answer, " yes, I am just heading home to Michigan from a trip up into the Yukon". He then says, " You'r crossing in Montana. Wouldn't it have been easier to go straight across through the upper peninsula of Michigan"? I think to myself, " no hit Sherlock, but I was hoping to cross unabated so I chose to cross here". I answer, " I am just taking the scenic route. I didn't know these remote stations were manned". He replies, " yes, but only sporadically. Today is your lucky day, if you had come by tomorrow there wouldn't have been any one here to assist you". I think to myself, " Can I just come back tomorrow"? Then he says, " can I see some ID"? I pull out my wallet and show him my drivers license and some other picture ID. He says, " ah good". Then the stupidity starts. He asks, "do you have any ID for them"? I look around thinking some one had walked up behind me. I look at him. " ID for who"? He points in the air above me and says, " them". I look up and see the humming birds, then look back at him in a gaze of disbelief. I feel my arm momentarily flinch like I am reaching for a taser, but I realize I am not a cop, so I do not have one. I raise both hands, gesturing toward the birds, and say, " they are humming birds"! He says, I know that, do you have permits to bring them into the country"? I tell, him, " I am not bring them, they are just following me". Then he says the worst thing I could have heard". " Let me call the DNR agent out here to figure this out". Oh god. a second government employee. Every time you add another government employee into the mix, the stupidity grows exponentially. Finally the DNR agent shows up and says" well, I don't know of any current laws that say that say he can't come into the country just because humming birds are following him, but just to be safe, let me call a PETA rep out here. I lean forward and start banging my head on the wall. on the intelligence scale, there is plankton, then whale poop, ( that's on the bottom of the ocean) then PETA. I start to cry and they both look at me. The agent says, " we better lock you up in here till we figure this out bud". they take me into the building and there is a small cell the size of a closet, and they lock me in it. I lean against the window sill, while the hummingbirds flit in and out through the bars. Eventually they find a tin cup and they all get together and pick it up and fly back and forth across the cell banging the cup on the bars. I close my eyes and lower my head and think to myself, " kill me god. just take me now and be merciful". The wind blowing across the prairie stops. The grass bending before the wind freezes where it is. the two agents stand frozen in time. a voice behind me says, " is that what you really want"? I turn a round and there is a George burns looking person standing in the sell behind me. I know in my heart who he is, but all I can say is, " no way"! He then retorts, " yes. Way". I tell him about my night mare thus far and how I am trying to just get home. He says, " you know I am god, and you regail me with a long story that I already know. cut to the chase and tell me what you really want". I tell him, " I am sorry for all of this. What I have done to these beautiful birds and very thing. Can you just fix them and then I can deal with the rest on my own". He looks at me sternly, and for a moment I thought his arm flinched like he was going to pull out the ultimate taser. " You gave them Jolt. do you know how hard that stuff is to get out"? Then he smiles, and holds out his hand. The hummingbirds all come over and hover above his left hand. With his right hand he makes a waving motion in a circle over them, and says, " nominee, nominee, sontu, santu. Alla you birds, get offa da sauce". ( a paraphrase stolen from Cheech and Chong). God motions his hand and the hummingbirds fly away. Then he turns to me. " will not leave you here either", he says. " I have created all of these things in the universe for all of you to enjoy, not to abuse. And you need to stop ripping on Ohio too. they can't help it if they were made from the left overs of every thing else". He smiles. I say, " but lord, I am locked in a cell, and these guys saw me". God says," did you show them your ID"? I say yes. He says, " Look at your ID". I pull out my id and look at it. The name on it says Justin Case. I smile. God motions his hand by the door and says, " Hauley- Smoot". ( a line taken from the book, Bored Of The Ring, which is a satirical book I highly recommend) and the cell door opens. then god leans into me and says, " to paraphrase Lynerd Skynard, I'lm giving you three steps mister and I better not see round here no more". then he looked at me for what seemed an eternity, and since time was frozen, it just may have been. I took off and as soon as I was out of sight of the building, the breeze began to blow and the grass to wave.

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