Some God Awful Truth about James Randi

One of the more pressing issues that face humanity today is the truth revealed by L. Ron Hubbard when he crossed the Wall Of Fire (tm) and discovered that humanity is being kept enslaved by the Marcabian Invasion Fleet from Outer Space led by Lord Xenu and the fifth columnist mental health industry.

What Hubbard forgot to mention was that Colonel Captain James Randi Zwigert (now masquerading as an Earth Human) is part of the galactic conspiracy whose mission is nothing less than to stop emerging sciences and technologies which might some day release humanity from its alien occupation.

We have always known that Randi was a bastard, and now we know why.

These truths emerged from the lips of none other than Earth's most stalwart champion of freedom and sanity Tom Cruise while he was busily assisting at a vehicle accident in Los Angeles, California, late last year (because only Scientology can truly help.)

The startling (but were any of us _really_ surprised?) truth has resulted in the alien-inspired and equally fictitious "1 million dollar challenge" to be recalled by Randi and his many-tentacled cohorts, and the world teeters upon the brink of awaiting the next ghastly, horrible, abjectly inhuman stunt Randi holds in store for us next.

This reporter's advice for the many Earth humans who have long since seen through Mr. Randi's disguise: If you're broke and without money, flee to the hills and drink your own urine least you be turned in to a James Randroid and wind up issuing your own 1 million dollar challenges. If you have any money at all, the better solution is to sign on with Scientology immediately.

And may the gods of these universes save us all.

Sigourney Weaver could not be reached in time for comment.