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Lindsay Lohan Suffers from Americanitis

by Karen Fish Monday, Aug. 13, 2007 at 8:15 AM

The solution to your problems is right in front of your nose.

Lindsay Lohan Suffer...
suv.jpg, image/jpeg, 400x263

Lindsay Lohan today is retching her guts out and cleaning toilets at the Cirque Lodge Rehabilitation Center in Orem, Utah. Having chased and caught the American Dream of fame, fortune, movie and music stardom Lindsay was left with a painful empty feeling which she chose to eliminate with the cheap thrills of booze and cocaine.

91 percent of the world’s poppy plants are grown in Afghanistan. These poppy plants are turrned into heroin and wind up on the streets of America, leading to violent crime and incarceration and their toll personally and financially on all Americans. The United States of America conquered Afghanistan 4 years ago and the poppy production has increased since then. These poppy plants are used to finance Al Qaeda. Why hasn’t President Bush given the order to root out every poppy plant in Afghanistan? What’s in it for the administration to keep America’s poor minorities hooked on smack and locked behind bars? What did Lindsay Lohan’s poppy Michael Lohan do to cause his daughter Lindsay to tumble into the abyss? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Americanitis is the inflamation of the American. The American mind today is burning in a self made Hell. Feel your brain cells exploding like a suicide bomber playing “Blow me up for Virgins.” The Old Testament, revered as Holy Scripture by Christianity, Islam and Judaism tells many stories. Every year on the Day of Atonement, the highest of all holidays, Yom Kippur, the High How are You Jewish Priest took a goat into the desert. The High Priest laid his hands upon the head of the goat and transferred all of the sins of the Jewish people into the goat. This is the origin of Jewish guilt and neuroses, the theme of every Woody Allen movie. The guilty goat was then sent to carry the sins of the Jewish people away into the sands of the desert, thereby cleansing the Jewish people of their sins. The Jesus died for your sins theorem is an extrapalotion of the scape goat mishegus.

The reason that people need scape goats is because it’s too painful to admit your own sins. Jesus Christ hammered home over and over the importance of obeying the 10 commandments. The self proclaimed Holy American Christian Right led the charge into Iraq. This is the majority of the American people. Despite the 10 commandments, the American people idolize Lindsay Lohan, drive on the Sabbath, do not honor their fathers, have murdered 1 million innocent Iraqi men, women and children even though they had zero to do with 9/11, commit adultery, are trying to steal the Iraqis’ oil, have repeatedly beared false witness against the Iraqi people and coveted the oil of the Iraqi people and the fame and fortune of Linday Lohan. God of Mount Sinai, worshipped by every Christian, Muslim and Jew carved in stone Himself that if people broke his 10 commandments He would punish them, their children, their grandchildren and their great grandchildren. Rather than admit their own crimes against humanity the American people are scape goating and blaming the Muslims, the terrorists, Al Qaeda, Hamas, the Axis of Evil, Syria, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, the Republicans, the Democrats and anyone else they can think of for their own sins.

It is important to get to the root of our problems and then weed them out permanently. The root cause of the Iraq War, leading to the Iran War and then to nuclear world war 3, the Apocalypse, the extinction of life on Earth forever in the aftermath of nuclear world war 3, nuclear winter then ultraviolet summer is the human brain. If not for the existence of human beings the Earth would be a real live paradise for the next few billion years, with crystal clear streams, lush forests and fresh sparkling air. Where did we go wrong? What invention of the human brain triggered the transformation of our beautiful planet into the wasteland of Mars, which used to have its own beautiful oceans? Now all Mars is good for is to resurface the courts at Roland Garros, Roger Federer’s Waterloo.

The invention of the human brain which is causing the Iraq War, global warming and Lindsay Lohan’s impending incarceration is the car. For 5 million years human beings got along beautifully without cars. Now we are all car junkies. We are like coke junkies standing outside of a drug store Jonesing with excruciating withdrawal symptoms until we can no longer stand the pain and we break into the drug store. Iraq is the drug store, the gasoline station we Americans have broken into. If the people of Earth do not stop driving cars immediately then we human beings will soon cause the extinction of life on earth forever with another of our brilliant inventions, weapons of mass destruction. We are like the big guy in “Of Mice and Men” who didn’t realize his own stength and power and accidentaly killed his pet mouse. Obviously if one person stops driving, it will not save the world. However, if everyone on Earth stops driving, and disposes of the weapons of mass destruction, it will save life on Earth. All it would take would be 200 people representing 200 countries to stand up tomorrow at the United Nations and announcing that effective immediately each country will be banning cars and disarming. It’s that simple.

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