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The Second American Revolution : The Jesus Revolutionary

by Brent Herbert Sunday, Jul. 23, 2006 at 3:47 AM

A brief discussion of that greatest of all revolutionary theorists, who it turns out, surprise surprise, was Jesus. The sun will hide its face in shame, and the moon will no longer give its light at night, for the entire earth will be as full of the glory of this Jesus as there are waters covering the surfaces of the seas and oceans.

One thing I have discovered upon studying that very famous character known as Jesus, is that Jesus was the greatest revolutionary theorist who ever lived. It turns out that the entire history of revolutionary struggle since that time has been a great battle to get back something which was stolen, and which was already in existence. This will come as a shock to the revolutionaries of the world, and as a huge embarrassment to churches. So then let revolutionaries be shocked and churches be humiliated.

That Jesus was the greatest revolutionary will come as a shock to a lot of people who thought that Jesus was perhaps the biggest prick who ever lived or that Jesus was the most spiritual man who ever lived, when it turned out that Jesus was the greatest revolutionary in history, which then explains why you would find Jesus hanging from a cross. You see it turns out that you cannot have systems of ruthless oppression on a planet, like that crucifying Roman slave driving system, and have a great revolutionary like that Jesus at the same time. Someone was going to have to go, and as you can tell we have had two thousand years of oppression following that crucifixion, which then indicates to the clear thinking person that we have just had two thousand years of oppression and two thousand years of no Jesus. We had oppression and we had church, because as people might be seeing now, if they are no longer blind, those two things go together, and as the world gets more and more Jesus and more and more blind eyes are opened it will become clearer and clearer to people that having church and having Jesus were obviously not the same thing, for Jesus belonged to the people and the church was married to the oppressor.

Now if we have just had two thousand years of no Jesus, this makes you wonder where Jesus might have went, and it turns out that Jesus went to church. This was a mistake, as you can tell by that two thousand years of oppression. It is clearly revealed as a mistake when someone who was robbed of a pearl of great price starts digging with grim determination to find where those religious right bastards buried that pearl out in the field. There are two ways to find a buried priceless pearl. You can dig up the entire field, and that will eventually work, or you can follow a map where ‘X' marks the spot. Fortunately the church has marked out ‘X' on the spot where you are not supposed to dig, and has also put signs reading ‘no trespassing' and ‘no digging allowed', and so this simplifies the matter of digging up that pearl of great price which was buried in the field as was predicted would happen to that pearl. Yes, it was predicted that the pearl would be buried because Jesus was a pragmatic pessimist and he knew beforehand such things as that his pearl would be buried in the field only to be dug up later or that he would sow good seed in the garden and some prick would come along and choke the garden with weeds by sowing weed seeds all of the place in his garden, and he knew that people would be doing things like going to church instead of doing what Jesus did, thus putting him on the spot and requiring him to tell such people to go to hell because they weren't the type of people he wanted to have anything to do with despite their long list of supposed accomplishments.

Yes, Jesus knew that if you were going to have a real revolution on this planet, you would have to do it twice, and therefore Jesus was also a prophet as well as being a revolutionary, since he had the wisdom to predict the second coming of that buried pearl of great price, which someone would be digging out of the ground later, and the question then becomes, why did they bother trying to bury the pearl? What did they accomplish at the end of it all?

Now it turns out that if you want to get rid of something once and for all, or at least until it gets dug up out the grave later, first you kill it by aiming at it with a precision scope on a deer rifle, and then you bury it, and then you canonize it. Using this strategy you can get rid of something, but not permanently, but at least during the two thousand years that its gone no one will be able to do a damn thing about it, even if they have this constant nagging feeling down inside that some pricks must have robbed them of a pearl which they can no longer find.

As an example of how to gun something down with the precision shots fired from a scoped deer rifle, I draw your attention to what has been called ‘the holy bible' and the ‘sacred scripture', which are fine examples of how Orwellian systems of oppression give backwards names to things, for such a document could not have been either ‘sacred' or ‘holy' because when you have such documentation you also have ruthless oppression at the same time. Therefore it follows that sacred and holy documents must be crucified and buried and then canonized, since it is by using this ruthless form of oppression that you can produce documents that don't destroy systems of oppression but rather become a pillar of support for the system.

We can notice how the scriptural rifle was locked onto the target of Jesus who had this persistent habit of deliberately breaking the Sabbath. Now if someone is breaking the Sabbath that means they were breaking the Sabbath, which means that they were wiping their backside with the so called law of Moses, since to break the Sabbath is to break the Ten Commandments. If we are sensible people, are not superstitious people, then we know that you really would want to break with that so called Law of Moses, rotten egg that it is, unless you were planning to use religion to create serial killing sociopaths who then go out robbing houses and acres from the people they were murdering on a day by day basis. If you accept that Moses went up some mountain and brought down instructions on how to create Ted Bundy, then Ted must be ‘sacred' and ‘holy', in which case you must make sure to keep the Sabbath, and all those other rules and regulations as well, because it was the order of that ‘god' known as Ted Bundy. Since killing and being a horse thief are not holy, Ted would have to round out his newly forming religion of ruthless oppression by including lots of sacraments and various hobbies to be pursued by priests, rituals, incense, and lots of other stuff, which would then be the spiritual stuff that could be used to hang like a set of drapes over that system of oppression in the hopes that maybe by covering the windows with such drapes no one would look inside because they would be looking at the drapes instead. It turns out that all oppressive religion requires sacrament and ritual and loads of spirituality because if the Ted Bundy thing doesn't appeal to some people the ‘spirituality' will distract them and keep them busy so that they won't be found making trouble for Ted. That way everyone gets something. Ted gets to be a ruthless oppressor, and get away with it, because its in the bible, and everyone else gets spirituality, which it turns out is another tool of oppression since spiritual people do not stop Ted, for they are loving pacifists and fighting with Ted would be wrong..

Now when someone breaks the Sabbath that means they were breaking the Sabbath, and that means they were doing away with the Law of Ted Bundy (aka Moses). This would be stating the obvious. If stating the obvious is not something you would want to do, then this requires that you follow the standard procedure employed when getting rid of something (kill, bury, canonize). So you shoot down the thing on sight and then you try to bury the damn pearl, and then you canonize the empty field. Therefore we find that Jesus broke the Sabbath not because he was breaking the Sabbath as a matter of principle, as though somehow Sabbath breaking itself was a good thing to do, but rather Jesus had a very good excuse each time, so that each time was an exceptional circumstance and therefore not the description of a general principle in action. Jesus was hungry. He and his disciples harvested on the Sabbath. It was just a one time thing. Something had been going on for forty years and thus suddenly, it became an emergency and something had to be done about it on the Sabbath. Jesus was ‘Lord of the Sabbath' which means that he gets to do whatever the hell he wants on the Sabbath, but you do not, since only Lords can break laws while expecting others to keep them (‘do as I say, not as I do').

We know that Jesus went to drinking parties with prostitutes, and that they were always partying together, so much so that the reputation of Jesus was that he was ‘a drunkard and a glutton'. We know that the religious oppressor was furious, since one thing a prick cannot stand is the idea that humanity might be partying because it keeps them away from their religious duties. This will require the pointing of the scope of that deer rifle once again (kill, bury, canonize) and we are told that Jesus was apparently the Lord of Drinking Parties as well as being the Lord of the Sabbath. You see they only partied back in those days because Jesus was marrying his church, and thus he needed to have a wedding party, which was the one time you could party and get away with it back in those days. But its not a wedding now because he married the bitch and that would explain why she was cracking down on that partying, and her new rule was that it couldn't be done anymore. You see, it was not a general principle, but it was just a one time thing whose time had come and gone.

We know that Jesus did not keep Lent, and do all his seasonal fasting and religious mortification, but instead he partied through Lent, which was provocative. Time for that deer rifle to take aim once again. You see it turns out that now that Jesus was crucified and buried, everyone was to damn sad to party anymore and so from now on to show their holiness they would mourn the loss of their precious savior and show their mourning by starting to do Lent themselves, now that they were in church. The fact that Jesus did not do Lent is irrelevant, and therefore people should not be asking ‘what would Jesus do' because it is obvious that the church did not want people doing that, but instead people must start asking ‘what would the church do.' This would then keep people out of trouble, because if you do what Jesus did, it causes nothing but trouble, and the job of the church therefore was to make damn sure there wasn't going to be any trouble. You see she was getting married, but not to Jesus, but rather to Caesar, who was the demented weirdo who crucified people to kill them, instead of hitting them once with a bat and just getting it over with. Despite his nasty ways, the church still found his other better qualities to be attractive enough to make him a suitable spouse, and since Caesar crucifies Jesus, his wife would have to get out a deer rifle and gun him down one more time after he was dead, since he seemed to be haunting the place for quite a while and it was obvious that something was going to have be done about it.

We know that Jesus was getting his toes sucked by a prostitute, or was it his feet kissed (as though there were much of a difference). Now there are obvious reasons to suck a toe or kiss a foot. The pattern established by the church was clear. Hide the obvious. Therefore we get the explanation that Jesus was a ruthless tyrant who threatened to place between the red hot plates of a divine waffle iron anyone he caught sucking toes or doing other similar things. However, if such people as the prostitutes, to begin with, and everyone else as well, would get down and grovel before his throne, and come crawling to him trembling and suck his tyrannical toe, he just might give them a break. For that they would be eternally grateful. And when someone is that grateful naturally they would be found groveling and sucking the toe of a tyrant, and we have seen things like that happen from time to time, such toe sucking not being unheard of, which would then make this spin doctored version of the toe sucking controversy quite credible, but only if you believe that Jesus was a maniacal religious right prick, who hated toe sucking but could live with ruthless oppression. If you cannot accept the Adolph Hitler explanation for Jesus, then you are left with only the obvious, and since that really pisses of the religious right, such things as a sucked toe being just about the only thing ever pisses off the religious right (they can live with anything, no matter how cruel) you can see that to explain that particular controversy something a little more than a deer rifle was required. The big guns were required and so the religious right brought out the waffle iron for that one, the waffle iron usually showing up right away when something really pisses of the religious right, such as a sucked toe.

This pattern repeats itself, over and over again, throughout that supposed ‘sacred canon'. It turns out that we have a canon because we don't have Jesus, since the rule seems to be that you cannot have a canon and have Jesus at the same time, because the canon is a tool of oppression. It was the religious right who canonized the books of the church during the fourth century and so it should come as no surprise to anyone that the end product was the creation of a canonized waffle iron. We know that it was the religious right that did this task, first because we can see the waffle iron, which is a dead give away, and also because they burned every other document and viciously persecuted anyone who tried to stop them, nailing them as heretics, and then they climbed onto the throne with Caesar. You see before Caesar would agree to marry the religious right and share a bed with them, the deal was that she was going to have to get rid of that Jesus once and for all, and so they did.

The pattern which emerges here is of Jesus, lined up in the scope of a deer rifle, and being fired on again and again by the religious right. The problem with gunning down Jesus is that first you have to get him lined up in your scope so you can hit the target. This then allows some pearl digger to come along later and throw out that waffle ironed spin doctoring and just extract Jesus piece by piece, and since he was cut to pieces at the same time he was being machine gunned, using those bullet ridden pieces it is still possible to reconstruct the ‘historical Jesus' and find that buried pearl.


The Jesus Revolutionary I have always believed that instead of complaining that someone else didn't get a thing done or nagging at them to get it done, you should just do it yourself. For that reason I have become a Jesus Revolutionary. It turns out that this is the best strategy, because then not only does it get done, it is also better than a sermon, which doesn't seem to accomplish much.

Let me make just a brief sermon however to explain certain relevant parts of the revolutionary theory of Jesus. All systems of oppression exist only the mind. People are trained to internalize systems of oppression. The reason for this is that oppressor only oppress and do evil because they can get away with it. All systems of oppression are found to have a delicate set of balls swinging between their legs, the reason for this being that they are evil systems of oppressions and thus have to walk around wearing a cup so they can protect their balls. Therefore it is required that you remove the cup so that you can kick the oppressor right in their tender balls. You kick an oppressor right in the balls. You do not hug them, and then call yourself a pacifist because you are a doormat. The correct way to have a revolution is not with guns, because all systems of oppression exist only in the mind, and therefore the crucial battles of a revolution are propaganda wars. When you have won the propaganda war you have already won the revolution, even if it looks like an oppressor is still on the throne. Therefore you must put all your effort into winning the propaganda war so that the revolution will be over and done with, except for the part where the oppressor is then left to entertain everyone by trying to get away without being arrested by the revolutionary cop. A Jesus Revolutionary is never found playing the role of the noble victim, but rather is a revolutionary cop. Once the propaganda war is one, and the oppressor is all washed up, except for that part where he tries to get away, then the Jesus Revolutionary will be found saying things like the following : "We have you surrounded, Washington. Lay down your weapons and put your hands where I can see them, and come out with your hands up and get cuffed." When the Jesus Revolutionary is going around demanding the surrender of some Pharaoh of Egypt or some Caesar, such a person will find that the Kingdom of Heaven is already on the earth, in fact it is everywhere, and yet people still do not see it right away, and therefore they dismiss him as a nut, until finally their own chained mind is set free, in which case they will be found playing the role of a cop as well. A Jesus Revolution does not require violence, for a violent revolution is failed revolution, wherein the system of oppression was not destroyed, and therefore there were still options available to the oppressor. A violent revolution therefore is an attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of yet one more defeat. Therefore the justifiable criticism of such revolutionary theories as Marxism is that they are incomplete and still need some more work to make them perfect. The Revolutionary strategy of Jesus is that you tie up the strong man, and then you disarm him, and then, and only then, do you rob his house. If you try to rob his house while he is armed to the teeth, you will have to shoot your way into the place. It is also good to catch the oppressor by surprise, by breaking into his house in the middle of the night when he is least expecting it. What this means is that you must allow the oppressor to carry on all day with his bad plans, and then when everything is just perfect, you bust into his house like a thief in the night. If he saw you coming in the middle of the night he would be waiting for you and you would never be able to bust into his house. For this reason you must be sneaky and do such things as buy fields that have pearls in them without telling anyone about the pearl, or do latenight house robberies. This strategy always works because an oppressor is a type of walking turnip, a brain dead vegetable, who is unable to plot a strategy having been blinded by the blindness caused by arrogant hubris. An oppressor cannot stop oppressing, for to do so would be to get arrested, and therefore he will carry on digging a pit, only to fall into the pit later. A good practical example of this sort of thing would be ruthless oppressor who goes to China, where he can pay 35 cents an hour, and thus burns his own house down back home, thus requiring him to bring in Hitler to try to keep a lid on the place, which is like digging a pit and then falling into the damn thing later. There are many other things just like that. An oppressor at the end of the road is an oppressor with no options except bad options. An oppressor can throw revolutionaries into concentration camps, but that makes the oppressor look like an oppressor, and since if the human mind is to remain brainwashed and held in a cage, an oppressor must always look like an angel, this proves to be a mistake. However, since in Jesus Revolution, where the oppressor is first destroyed by being all tied up, and then pursued by the Revolutionary cops and arrested later, you would expect to see oppressors making lots and lots of such mistakes, since when you are on the lam from the cops you are just making mistakes and are no longer in power anymore and you are no longer making the decisions anymore.

The strategy of the Jesus Revolutionary also works very well to destroy religion, for as the Jesus Revolutionary is going around doing good and saving the world, he will be lined up in the scopes of that canonized deer rifle, while some Pharisee fires shot after shot of scriptural bullets trying to gun him down that way and stop him. As well the Pharisee will be threatening anyone who tries to do good with a grilling in the canonized waffle iron. Thus both the deer rifle and the waffle iron are exposed to the public as not holy and not sacred at all. The Pharisee is also exposed as not holy or sacred, since the only thing ever outrages a Pharisee would be a sucked toe or a caged hamster that made a break for it and was found running free in the Garden, while trying to avoid being stomped to death under the boots of an enraged religious Pharisee.

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