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by john cleese
Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005 at 6:53 AM
This Monty Python letter could cheer us in this murky world of denial and myopia. Pyro-maniacs make poor firefighters. Wolves in sheeps' clothing make poor leaders. Enron lawyers (eg Gonzales) make poor Attorney Generals.
> I thought you might find this amusing. Just when, in
> this crazy world, you were wondering where's Monty
> Python when we need him...In the fury of the moment, I can see the master's hand - in every falling leaf and every grain of sand (Bob Dylan).
> > by John Cleese
> > To the citizens of the United States of America,
> > in the light of your
> > failure to elect a competent President of the USA
> > and thus to govern
> > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
> > of your
> > independence, effective today.
> > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
> > resume monarchical
> > duties over all states, commonwealths and other
> > territories. Except
> > Utah, which she does not fancy.
> > Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
> > Blair, MP for the
> > 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
> > there is a world
> > outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
> > America without the
> > need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
> > will be disbanded.
> > A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
> > determine whether any
> > of you noticed.
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown
> > Dependency, the following
> > rules are introduced with immediate effect:
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
> > English Dictionary.
> > Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation
> > guide. You will be
> > amazed at just how wrongly you have been
> > pronouncing it. The letter
> > 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
> > and 'neighbour', skipping
> > the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your
> > part. Likewise, you
> > will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
> > the letters. You will
> > end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
> > 'zed' not 'zee') and
> > the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
> > "ise." You will learn that
> > the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
> > Edinburgh. You are welcome to
> > respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
> > with correct
> > pronunciation.
> > Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
> > acceptable levels. Look up
> > "vocabulary."
> > Using the same twenty seven words interspersed
> > with filler noises
> > such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
> > and inefficient form
> > of communication. Look up "interspersed." There
> > will be no more 'bleeps' in
> > the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough
> > to cope with bad language
> > then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn
> > to develop your
> > vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
> > as
> > often.
> > 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will
> > let Microsoft know on
> > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> > adjusted to take account of
> > the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
> > "-ize."
> > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
> > Australian accents. It
> > really isn't that hard. English accents are not
> > limited to cockney,
> > upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
> > You will also have to
> > learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
> > dramas such as
> > "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
> > subtitles. While we're talking
> > about regions, you must learn that there is no such
> > place as Devonshire in
> > England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you
> > persist in calling it
> > Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
> > e.g. Texasshire,
> > Floridashire, Louisianashire.
> > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
> > English actors as the
> > good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast
> > English actors to play
> > English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men
> > Behaving Badly" or "Red
> > Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
> > wishy-washy American
> > audience who can't cope with the humour of
> > occasional political
> > incorrectness.
> > 5. You should relearn your original national
> > anthem, "God Save The
> > Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.
> > We would not want you to
> > get confused and give up half way through.
> > 6. You should stop playing American "football."
> > There is only one kind of
> > football. What you refer to as American "football"
> > is not a very good game.
> > The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
> > world outside your borders
> > may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
> > football. You will no
> > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
> > play proper football.
> > Initially, it would be best if you played with the
> > girls. It is a difficult
> > game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
> > allowed to play rugby
> > (which is similar to American "football", but does
> > not involve stopping for
> > a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> > body armour like
> > nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a
> > US Rugby sevens side by
> > 2005.
> > You should stop playing baseball. It is not
> > reasonable to host an event
> > called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
> > played outside of
> > America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
> > there is a world beyond
> > your borders, your error is understandable. Instead
> > of baseball, you will
> > be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders,"
> > which is baseball
> > without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
> > collector cards or hotdogs.
> > 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> > guns. You will no longer
> > be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
> > in public than a
> > vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
> > sensible enough to
> > handle potentially dangerous items, you will
> > require a permit if you wish
> > to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
> > 2nd will be a new
> > national holiday, but only in England. It will be
> > called "Indecisive Day."
> > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
> > crap and it is for your
> > own good. When we show you German cars, you will
> > understand what
> > we mean. All road intersections will be replaced
> > with roundabouts. You
> > will start driving on the left with immediate
> > effect. At the same time, you
> > will go metric with immediate effect and without
> > the benefit of conversion
> > tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
> > understand the British
> > sense of humour.
> > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
> > you call French fries
> > are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they
> > are Belgian though
> > 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered
> > fries while in Europe) are
> > not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things
> > you insist on calling
> > potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real
> > chips are thick cut and
> > fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment
> > to chips is beer which
> > should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
> > trained to be more
> > aggressive with customers.
> > 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per
> > cup will be added to all
> > tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
> > this quantity to be
> > doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
> > itself.
> > 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
> > beer is not actually
> > beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only
> > proper British Bitter will
> > be referred to as "beer," and European brews of
> > known and accepted
> > provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The
> > substances formerly known as
> > "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as
> > "Near-Frozen Knat's
> > Urine," with the exception of the product of the
> > American Budweiser company
> > whose product will be referred to as "Weak
> > Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This
> > will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the
> > last 1000 years in
> > Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of
> > confusion.
> > 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol
> > (or "Gasoline," as you
> > will be permitted to keep calling it until April
> > 1st 2005) prices with the
> > former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
> > those of the former USA and
> > the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol
> > prices (roughly /US
> > gallon get used to it).
> > 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues
> > without using guns, lawyers
> > or therapists. The fact that you need so many
> > lawyers and therapists shows
> > that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
> > should only be handled
> > by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
> > out without suing
> > someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
> > grown up enough to handle
> > a gun.
> > 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
> > driving us crazy.
> > 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government
> > will be with you shortly to
> > ensure the acquisition of all revenues due
> > (backdated to 1776).
> > Thank you for your co-operation
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