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Monty Python on Post-Modern Bush

by john cleese Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005 at 2:53 PM

This Monty Python letter could cheer us in this murky world of denial and myopia. Pyro-maniacs make poor firefighters. Wolves in sheeps' clothing make poor leaders. Enron lawyers (eg Gonzales) make poor Attorney Generals.

> Hi,

> I thought you might find this amusing. Just when, in

> this crazy world, you were wondering where's Monty

> Python when we need him...In the fury of the moment, I can see the master's hand - in every falling leaf and every grain of sand (Bob Dylan).


> > by John Cleese

> >

> > To the citizens of the United States of America,

> > in the light of your

> > failure to elect a competent President of the USA

> > and thus to govern

> > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation

> > of your

> > independence, effective today.

> >

> > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will

> > resume monarchical

> > duties over all states, commonwealths and other

> > territories. Except

> > Utah, which she does not fancy.

> >

> > Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony

> > Blair, MP for the

> > 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that

> > there is a world

> > outside your borders) will appoint a minister for

> > America without the

> > need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

> > will be disbanded.

> > A questionnaire will be circulated next year to

> > determine whether any

> > of you noticed.

> >

> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown

> > Dependency, the following

> > rules are introduced with immediate effect:

> >

> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford

> > English Dictionary.

> > Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation

> > guide. You will be

> > amazed at just how wrongly you have been

> > pronouncing it. The letter

> > 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'

> > and 'neighbour', skipping

> > the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your

> > part. Likewise, you

> > will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half

> > the letters. You will

> > end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced

> > 'zed' not 'zee') and

> > the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix

> > "ise." You will learn that

> > the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.

> > Edinburgh. You are welcome to

> > respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope

> > with correct

> > pronunciation.

> >

> > Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to

> > acceptable levels. Look up

> > "vocabulary."

> >

> > Using the same twenty seven words interspersed

> > with filler noises

> > such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable

> > and inefficient form

> > of communication. Look up "interspersed." There

> > will be no more 'bleeps' in

> > the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough

> > to cope with bad language

> > then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn

> > to develop your

> > vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language

> > as

> > often.

> > 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will

> > let Microsoft know on

> > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be

> > adjusted to take account of

> > the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of

> > "-ize."

> >

> > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and

> > Australian accents. It

> > really isn't that hard. English accents are not

> > limited to cockney,

> > upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

> > You will also have to

> > learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish

> > dramas such as

> > "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with

> > subtitles. While we're talking

> > about regions, you must learn that there is no such

> > place as Devonshire in

> > England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you

> > persist in calling it

> > Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"

> > e.g. Texasshire,

> > Floridashire, Louisianashire.

> >

> > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast

> > English actors as the

> > good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast

> > English actors to play

> > English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men

> > Behaving Badly" or "Red

> > Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a

> > wishy-washy American

> > audience who can't cope with the humour of

> > occasional political

> > incorrectness.

> >

> > 5. You should relearn your original national

> > anthem, "God Save The

> > Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

> > We would not want you to

> > get confused and give up half way through.

> >

> > 6. You should stop playing American "football."

> > There is only one kind of

> > football. What you refer to as American "football"

> > is not a very good game.

> > The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a

> > world outside your borders

> > may have noticed that no one else plays "American"

> > football. You will no

> > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead

> > play proper football.

> > Initially, it would be best if you played with the

> > girls. It is a difficult

> > game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be

> > allowed to play rugby

> > (which is similar to American "football", but does

> > not involve stopping for

> > a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar

> > body armour like

> > nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a

> > US Rugby sevens side by

> > 2005.

> >

> > You should stop playing baseball. It is not

> > reasonable to host an event

> > called the 'World Series' for a game which is not

> > played outside of

> > America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that

> > there is a world beyond

> > your borders, your error is understandable. Instead

> > of baseball, you will

> > be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders,"

> > which is baseball

> > without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

> > collector cards or hotdogs.

> > 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry

> > guns. You will no longer

> > be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous

> > in public than a

> > vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are

> > sensible enough to

> > handle potentially dangerous items, you will

> > require a permit if you wish

> > to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

> >

> > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November

> > 2nd will be a new

> > national holiday, but only in England. It will be

> > called "Indecisive Day."

> >

> > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are

> > crap and it is for your

> > own good. When we show you German cars, you will

> > understand what

> > we mean. All road intersections will be replaced

> > with roundabouts. You

> > will start driving on the left with immediate

> > effect. At the same time, you

> > will go metric with immediate effect and without

> > the benefit of conversion

> > tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you

> > understand the British

> > sense of humour.

> >

> > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things

> > you call French fries

> > are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they

> > are Belgian though

> > 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered

> > fries while in Europe) are

> > not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things

> > you insist on calling

> > potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real

> > chips are thick cut and

> > fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment

> > to chips is beer which

> > should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be

> > trained to be more

> > aggressive with customers.

> >

> > 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per

> > cup will be added to all

> > tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,

> > this quantity to be

> > doubled for tea made within the city of Boston

> > itself.

> >

> > 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling

> > beer is not actually

> > beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only

> > proper British Bitter will

> > be referred to as "beer," and European brews of

> > known and accepted

> > provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The

> > substances formerly known as

> > "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as

> > "Near-Frozen Knat's

> > Urine," with the exception of the product of the

> > American Budweiser company

> > whose product will be referred to as "Weak

> > Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This

> > will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the

> > last 1000 years in

> > Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of

> > confusion.

> >

> > 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol

> > (or "Gasoline," as you

> > will be permitted to keep calling it until April

> > 1st 2005) prices with the

> > former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to

> > those of the former USA and

> > the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol

> > prices (roughly /US

> > gallon get used to it).

> >

> > 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues

> > without using guns, lawyers

> > or therapists. The fact that you need so many

> > lawyers and therapists shows

> > that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

> > should only be handled

> > by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things

> > out without suing

> > someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not

> > grown up enough to handle

> > a gun.

> >

> > 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been

> > driving us crazy.

> >

> > 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government

> > will be with you shortly to

> > ensure the acquisition of all revenues due

> > (backdated to 1776).

> >

> > Thank you for your co-operation

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >



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