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Dear Fellow GOPer:

by Betty Bowers Monday, Nov. 22, 2004 at 8:54 PM

The party that so gloriously brought this country the fabulous Red Scare of the 1950s, in a bit of an about-face, has now made the godly throughout America scared they are not a Red. State, that is. With this in mind, I have drafted this handy list as a quick reference to determine if you are living in one of those demon-infested Blue States, or Jesusland!

Blue States: Home of good schools

Red States: Homeskooled good

Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.

Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.

Blue States: Favor electric cars

Red States: Favor electric chairs

Blue States: Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air

Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air

Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz

Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz

Blue States: Favor institutionalized health care for the poor

Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor

Blue States: After the 9/11 attacks, put coffins in the ground

Red States: After the 9/11 attacks, put magnetic flags on the car

Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve

Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines

Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress

Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil

Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"

Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden"

part of "tax and spend"

Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.

Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.

Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row

Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks

Blue States: Concerned about global warming

Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!

Blue States: Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him

Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him

Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act

Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation

Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day

Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth

Blue States: Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles

Red States: Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted

Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose

Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship

Blue States: Champion women wrestling with the right to choose

Red States: Choose women's wrestling championships

Blue States: Want a rational energy policy

Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism

Blue States: Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks

Red States: Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account

Blue States: Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America

Red States: Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America

Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different

Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different

Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder

Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder

Blue States: Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"

Red States: Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory

Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes

Red States: Inherited slaves

Blue States: Buy art

Red States: Collect Beanie Babies



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