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by Betty Bowers
Monday, Nov. 22, 2004 at 8:54 PM
The party that so gloriously brought this country the fabulous Red Scare of the 1950s, in a bit of an about-face, has now made the godly throughout America scared they are not a Red. State, that is. With this in mind, I have drafted this handy list as a quick reference to determine if you are living in one of those demon-infested Blue States, or Jesusland!
Blue States: Home of good schools
Red States: Homeskooled good
Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.
Blue States: Favor electric cars
Red States: Favor electric chairs
Blue States: Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air
Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz
Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz
Blue States: Favor institutionalized health care for the poor
Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor
Blue States: After the 9/11 attacks, put coffins in the ground
Red States: After the 9/11 attacks, put magnetic flags on the car
Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve
Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines
Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress
Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil
Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"
Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden"
part of "tax and spend"
Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.
Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row
Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks
Blue States: Concerned about global warming
Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!
Blue States: Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him
Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him
Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act
Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation
Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day
Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth
Blue States: Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles
Red States: Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted
Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose
Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship
Blue States: Champion women wrestling with the right to choose
Red States: Choose women's wrestling championships
Blue States: Want a rational energy policy
Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism
Blue States: Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks
Red States: Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account
Blue States: Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America
Red States: Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America
Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different
Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different
Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder
Blue States: Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"
Red States: Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory
Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes
Red States: Inherited slaves
Blue States: Buy art
Red States: Collect Beanie Babies
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