Ten Ways to Become a Better Democrat
July 27 , 2004
M. Junaid Alam
Fellow radicals: recent events have made it clear that the primary task facing good people everywhere is unconditional support for the Democratic Party, the only party capable not only of removing a very, very bad man from office, but also increasing the pay envelope of starving and desperate Nation, Salon, MoveOn, and Sierra Club coffee-coolata-warriors across America. I submit my humble contribution to this effort by offering a list of ten virtues to cultivate in your personal journey towards becoming a better Democrat.
Tip One: Among friends and coworkers, harp on Bush's status as filthy rich millionaire who is out of touch with the American people. If anyone reminds you Kerry is also a filthy rich millionaire, owns several multimillion dollar homes, and once appeared on the right-wing Don Imus show to denounce an electoral opponent as "a guy who takes more vacations than people on welfare," quickly spill your Starbucks mocha cappuccino deluxe on said miscreant to divert attention and change the subject.
Tip Two: Always remember to attack Bush for cowardly dodging service in Vietnam and ducking duties by going AWOL when enlisted in the National Guard. Then boast about how Kerry winning and holding onto many shiny medals as a reward for participating in the genocidal slaughter of more than two million poor peasants defending their villages against massive foreign invasion makes him "tough and responsible." Don't forget to plug in Kerry's past courting (for the role of vice presidential candidate) Vietnam veteran Senator John McCain, who has declared, "I hate the gooks, and I will hate them as long as I live." Priceless.