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The Sheeple of the Week award

by FSN Saturday, Apr. 26, 2003 at 1:53 PM

Yes, we've all seen them. Perhaps we even know some of them personally. They certainly get a lot of press these days. And now they have their own award.

Sheeple of the Week

They are ravenous consumers of Talk Radio. Their flags are bigger than their cars. They put up red, white and blue lights at Christmas. They think that professional wrestling is real and Rush Limbaugh is an intellectual. They pray for our government on Sunday, and send death threats to peace activists on Monday night - usually after they have started working on their third six pack. They love FOX news and Wal-mart and reality TV. But most of all, they love George Bush.


In fact, they have it so bad for Shrub the Lesser that were he to personally come to their homes, defecate on their patio furniture, grope their children, kick the family pets in the ass, and then ask them to bend over and bark like a dog, they would do so willingly. Gratefully, even.


Later they would whisper about the incident in hushed and reverent tones. "The President moves in mysterious ways," they would say. And, "Sacrifices have to be made for the War on Terror." And, "We will bark like a dog, even when no one is watching, in order to be more pleasing unto Him who kicks our family pets in the ass."


Yes, we've all seen them. Perhaps we even know some of them personally. They certainly get a lot of press these days. And now they have their own award.

This week's nominees are:

Citizens Against Celebrity Pundits

These poor deluded souls believe that only neo-con celebrities are allowed to have public opinions. Worse yet, they have recently made the rediculous claim that pacifists are threatening to kill them.

Rick Herter

Who needs those stinkin' Arab antiquities? Rick wants to be commissioned by the Air Force to create PNAC art.

Sean Hannity

One might mistake him for one of the shepherds instead of one of the sheep, but oh...the look on his face when he talks about George Bush! You just gotta know that he is simply sick about the fact that Tony Blair will always be first in Junior's heart.

April 12 DC pro-war rally attendees

Here's a heartwarming scene from the event:

Then, things got stranger. Bossie read another letter of support for the troops. It was from a Hollywood actor, too. This time it was the “Terminator” himself-Arnold Schwarznegger! After Bossie read the message, the crowd started screaming, “Arnold!” “Arnold!” “Arnold!” Then, some buffoon standing behind me, with a deep bass voice, barked loudly in my ears, “I’LL BE BACK!” It was a line from one of Schwarznegger’s flicks. I thought, my God, what are these rabid Bushites going to do next?

Jeff Webster and Earl Miller

Jeff threw buckets of ice water on protestors in Anchorage and videotaped it while patriotic music played in the background. He was charged with criminal harassment, but he is pleading not guilty. In the words of one of his biggest fans, Earl Miller, "If there's any criminal charges, they should get them people standing on the corner for treason."

Jan Mickelson

Jan has been nominated, not for his pro-war rhetoric, (although he is a radio talk show host so we are sure there is plenty of that), but for his recent attack on the moment of silence at Roosevelt High School, which was held in memory of those who have been brutalized by anti-gay hate crimes. We'll let Jan speak for himself:

"Complaining that society cares too much about gay people's feelings, Mickelson said such concern is unwarranted 'if you are a pervert and want to spin a sexual agenda at our expense.'"

I am just positive there is a brown shirt and a pair of jackboots in Herr Rove's closet with Jan's name on them.

American Express

The fine people at American Express began yanking their credit cards from anyone with a Muslim-sounding name. It's all part of the War on Terror, they say. Well, they don't really say it. In fact, they lie about it.

The Club for Growth

Television commercials that aired yesterday in three cities in Maine and Ohio compared two senators from those states to French President Jacques Chirac because they do not support President Bush's 0 billion tax cut. And the Club for Economic Growth is sponsoring these ads. Although the only thing that's growing in our economy is the deficit, far be it from us to let reality get in the way of their pastoral visions of prosperity. Baaaaaaaa.

Shawn Steel

Again, we will allow our nominee to speak for himself:

"Because of the peace movement, we had the Holocaust," Steel said, according to the Trojan. "The Democratic Party is keeping the Ku Klux Klan alive, and if we'd listened to Southern Democrats who wanted peace in the Civil War, we'd still have slavery." Bet Shawn owns a really spiffy tin-foil hat.

KFYI and the Arizona Free Republic

Never to be out-done, the Arizona Free Republic has decided that fascism cannot arrive soon enough for them, (no doubt because it will alleviate them from the painful chore of thinking). Here are their plans for the anti-war protestors:

"It will be the most effective counter protest campaign to date. We will use all legal means through the law to defend the honor of our country and President George W. Bush. You will be made accountable to the American people who have had it with your abuses of our government and soldiers. Expect to see our presence in Tempe on May Day, May 1st 2003 with 3 people to every one of yours. We will follow your members individually, blocking them from moving, talking over your voices, and video taping your actions. Any violations will result in a citizens arrest if the liberal police are unwilling to do so. "

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