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Productive Actions You Can Take to Assist Big Brother

by The Resistance Monday, Dec. 09, 2002 at 10:20 PM

The Rebel Intelligence Unit has detected flaws in the technologies employed by the Information Awareness Office.

Productive Actions You Can Take to Assist Big Brother Information is Power Give Them More Information! Flaws detected in the TIA

The Rebel Intelligence Unit has detected flaws in the technologies employed by the Information Awareness Office.  The Total Information Awareness System lacks access to critical information sources.  The goal of achieving TOTAL information awareness is threatened!  Our government has asserted that total information awareness is critical to our national security.  It is with this in mind that we urge ALL Americans to do their patriotic duty by filling in the information gaps.

Information gaps discovered

On a wave of patriotic zeal, the Resistance dedicated half of it's budget, a whopping A_RTICLE.00 US (or A_RTICLE.00 CDN for our friends to the North (yes, we got the exchange rate correct)), to uncover the gaps in the TIA.  The job was not easy and the good offices of John Poindexter, despite their large budgets and the assistance of corporate welfare delinquents, failed to detect these flaws.  Accustomed to thinking outside the box, the Resistance came through and has now published its findings.  The important and deplorable gaps in total information awareness can only be filled with the dedicated help of each and every American.  Please read our list carefully and do what you can to keep Big Brother informed!

The Pee Pee Gap

The IAO has funded no project to detect the frequency, duration, quantity, location, time, and quality of American urination events.  Each day almost 300,000,000 Americans pee and they pee more than once per day.  Increases in pee frequency and/or volume could indicate the outbreak of a biological agent, an increase in fear (thus, terror), or an increase in laughter (for example, following a speech by Der Fuhrer).  This information is critical to national security.  We urge all Americans to do their part by keeping the Information Awareness Office informed of all urination events.  We have provided a page with instructions that can assist you in performing this most patriotic duty.

The Poo Poo Gap

Just like the Pee Pee Gap, the TIA is wide open when it comes to scatological information.  Knowledge about the frequency, quantity, shape, color, and consistency of fecal mater emitted by Americans of grave national concern.  Quite frankly, a nation of unhealthy shitters is a nation in the can!  Undetected outbreaks of diarrhea could lead to disastrous consequences.  Such knowledge is crucial for the detection of biological terrorism.  Furthermore, a nation cannot go to war when it's people have the runs!  Wise leaders have always planned their battles around a healthy shit.

Timing is important as well.  Unless the TIA is aware of each and every fecal event, they could find themselves in deep shit.  It is the patriotic duty of all Americans to keep the IAO aware and up to date on all fecal information.    We urge all Americans to do their part by keeping the Information Awareness Office informed of all fecal events.  We have provided a page with instructions that can assist you in performing this most patriotic duty.

The Hair Loss During Showering and Grooming Gap

Every morning in homes across our great nation, critical information regarding the release of radioactive materials goes down the drain.  Radiation poisoning leads to hair loss.  The typical American is insufficiently skilled to judge the gob of hair that accumulates around the shower drain.  In an unbelievable demonstration of irresponsibility, the designers of the TIA have neglected inclusion of a mechanism for hair loss detection.

This is where you come in.  You can increase national security and give advanced warning of rising levels of nuclear contamination by keeping the IAO informed of hair loss.  When showering, please note the quantity of hair collecting around the shower drain.  When combing or brushing your hair, estimate the number of hairs remaining in the comb or brush.  Immediately following a hair loss event, contact the IAO immediately, using our nifty instruction set, and you will be an American hero!

Arousal Frequency Gap

The TIA was not designed to detect arousal events.  However, sexual arousal is a key indicator of human health.  The release of chemical agents into the environment could increase or decrease the rate of arousal events among Americans.  Boners or wet panties are normal, but when either occurs too frequently or too infrequently, there could be trouble.  On a whole, American's are unqualified to judge the utility of information concerning arousal events.  These acts of judgment should be left to the experts at the IAO.

Gentlemen, each time you pop a boner, it is your patriotic duty to inform the IAO.  We have made this important patriotic duty easy to exercise.  Please visit our page dedicated to reporting boners.

Ladies, some men may be too shy to report their boners to the IAO.  Even if they claim to be performing this patriotic duty, they might be lying.  Help the IAO verify boner information by reporting boners you notice.  Not only will this increase the safety of all Americans, it will help the IAO keep tabs on who is doing their patriotic duty and who is not.

The duty of a female Americans does not end with boner tips.  All females should report lubricating events as well.  We have created this custom instruction set for your patriotic use.  The TIA is interested in nipple erections as well.  Some nipple erections may not be caused by sexual arousal, but you are unfit (as mere peons) to make this judgment yourself.  Please report all nipple erection events to the IAO.

Conclusion

America depends upon total information awareness.  Do your part and report all pee pee, poo poo, hair loss, and arousal events.  God Bless America!

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