error2020, A Perfect Vision For A Better Tomorrow


I’m running for President. That’s my plan. In exactly nineteen years, I hope to be the 47th or 48th President of the United States of America.

This is not a story. This is not fiction. This is my plan:

Over the course of the next nineteen years, I will build, maintain, and execute a ship-shape no-holds-barred kick-ass campaign strategy. It is my hope that this will be the single longest presidential campaign in history. After nineteen years of hard work, I will be President of the United States of America.

First, my campaign slogan: Matthew Berliant for president, 2020. How well can you see YOUR future?

I think it's pretty catchy. Of course, I’m going to need a few solid moral platitudes to back that up, but I’ve got some time to think about them. Oh yeah, plenty of time.

The truth is, it's a bit premature to outline the specifics of what I’ll be doing with the country once in office--after all, the times they are a changin', and fast!

Instead, let's start with some basics. A few campaign pledges follow:

Depending on what the military is up to in the year 2020, I pledge to pull us out of all armed conflicts abroad. That’s right, our boys (and girls) are coming home! Hurray! Unless of course there happens to be some incredibly morally-bankrupt tyrant threatening the world with 'weapons of mass destruction' or whatnot. Then, of course, I’ll have to follow in the footsteps of other presidents and bomb the hell out of military and civilian targets with all the weapons of mass destruction we have at our disposal in our most massively destructive of arsenals, unleashing the Nine Horsemen of the Apocalypse if need be, to protect the good interests of democracy and totalitarian-capitalism abroad. We will, of course, make sure to 'minimize civilian casualties,' which of course means that there will be SOME civilian casualties, but we'll try to keep a lid on the actual number.

Let’s see. Oh, I’ll also plan on spending more tax money on social services and infrastructure and less on the military. Of course, I am aware that 49% of all our tax revenue currently goes to past and present military spending, and a huge chunk of that gets re-circulated back to huge corporations like Boeing, and the majority of that money gets divided 40 to 1 between CEOs and general employees respectively, and for that very reason this tax scheme is critical to the existing power structure of this country’s economy, so I guess I’ll have to be a little sly about sneaking that campaign pledge by the voting public. I think, though, that if I do it right, I really won’t have to raise taxes at all, just use taxes normally earmarked for military spending in other areas, so I’ll just couch the above plan in the simple phrase, ‘No new taxes.’ I might add, ‘It’s time we spent old taxes better.’

I think that while I’m at it I’ll also make a general pledge to actually go and ask congress before engaging in any more armed conflicts abroad, and that I’ll end the national state of emergency that we’ve been in since before the Vietnam war. I’ll also work to actually honor all of our peace accords, international treaties, and beef up the authority of the UN by inviting Third and Second world nations to have equal voting power as First world nations, a natural extension of my aim to diminish the suffering and humiliation of Third World conditions here in the United States, thereby helping impoverished peoples everywhere to have the dignity in good faith to be active and valued members of the community.

There are two final campaign pledges I would like to make at this early juncture in my campaign.

The first is that I am committed to creating an international, democratic and citizen-controlled body capable of regulating and dictating the terms of power that major international corporations may wield in and over the lives of people and nations everywhere. Our own tax dollars will not go to such an institution. Instead, with the help of the UN, a nominal 1% tax will be levied on all foreign currency exchanges internationally, thus generating billions of dollars in revenue annually.

Finally, I will commit myself to seriously examining the current trend of incarcerating more and more and more of our own citizens at a huge cost to the tax-payers of this country, and will possibly pledge to implement preventative strategies of fighting crime rather than over-emphasizing legislative regulations and punitive measures that often tend to perpetuate problems by creating a level of government directly dependent on continued criminal activity for its very existence. Furthermore, I will work to eliminate the way in which one’s personal financial situation tends to seriously impact the level of justice one is entitled to in this country. I will work to implement measures to ensure that all Americans, irregardless of income or social standing, are eligible for and guaranteed equal representation in the courts.

Let me say now, so as not to disappoint Republicans or Democrats out there, that I will not be running with any one particular political party. In fact, not too long ago, I was very disappointed to learn that Democrats and Republicans do not encourage cross-party registration. I thought it would be great to be a member of both parties, since I tend to agree with some of the views of each, but not all of the views of either, and that way I’d also be able to participate in both national conventions and hear the speeches and rhetoric first-hand rather than having to sift through tons of editorializing on the part of an over-zealous news media. Alas, it was not to be. So instead, I will be running on my own, independent of party affiliation, the same way the Founding Fathers did it!

I really don’t think this will present much of an obstacle to my success. In fact, I don’t even think I’ll need much of a budget. I think, with the help of the Internet and a nineteen-year campaign plan, enough people will know who I am just by word of mouth alone by the time you cast your ballots in 2020. However, if you’d like to contribute to my campaign, I am in the midst of setting up a campaign fund, and checks or cash will be more than welcome over the next two decades.

Although I know that the specifics of my appearance and that general biographical details of my childhood and early life have no bearing whatsoever on my abilities as a President of the United States of America, and that these sorts of criteria have absolutely no sway over how the average American votes, I will include a few details anyway so as to flesh out my profile.

Generally, I am about 5’10” and weigh 135 pounds. I am a European-American, of Irish, Russian, and French decent. My great grand-parents on both sides of my family came to this country with nothing, and slowly earned enough to send for their families and to subsequently build a life here, one as a wood-carver, the other as a janitor. Born in Chicago on May 5, 1975, I grew up in upstate New York where my father attended medical school and set up a private practice. My mother was an instructor for the deaf and supported my father until he settled into his practice, at which point she set about raising my three younger sisters and me. She then returned to school and received her Masters Degree in Social Work. I myself attended school at Washington University in St. Louis, and reside there now where I work as a professional activist and community organizer for ACORN, one of the largest low-income neighborhood organizing groups in the country. Incidentally, I have recently noticed a slight blur to my vision. When I brought it to the attention of an eye-doctor, he told me that, up until recently, I had 20/15 vision—better than perfect. Now, however, my eyesight has shifted to 20/20. The blurring that I am experiences is what is commonly referred to as ‘normal vision.’ I have curly brown hair, brown eyes, and enjoy long walks around town with my dog, Nora, who was also born on my birthday. She was so cute; I remember how just a few hours after she was born she fit right into the palm of my hand! Did you know that newborn dogs sound just like cats when they're born? They mew! It’s amazing!!

Yes, well anyway, now that the plumber has finally fixed the exploded hot-water pipe in my basement, and seeing how it is four o’clock am, I believe I will finally hit the sack. But not before I say to you all, especially those of you who will not be born until next year, the year 2002, and will therefore be reading this as a re-print--when you go out there to vote in 2020, think of me. No one else will have had the foresight, the determination, and the dedication to do the job right, nor would they have even been willing to take the time out of their busy schedules now to think so far and so compassionately about the future of this nation, of our place in the world, and the future of all peoples everywhere. This is the end of the beginning, and the beginning of the future! I'm your man--I'm in it for the long haul!

Vote Matthew Berliant for president in 2020! How well can you see YOUR future?