THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Speaker, Real-President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens and fellow citizens: Every year, by law and by custom, you meet here to listen to my drivel. This year, you gather in this chamber deeply aware of nature of the dumb schmuck that pretends to lead you.

You serve our country while I serve Cheney who, in turn, works for the embezzlers and rapists who run Israel. During this session of Congress, you have the duty to try and save the lives of some out boys while I intend to put them in harms way for nothing except the fact that I was a coward during the Vietnam War. I will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared by the haves and have mores, and I will answer every imaginary danger and every made- up enemy that Israel invents. I may go after our real enemy sometime, the ex CIA man Bin Laden, if the Saudis allow me to. (Applause, hopefully)

In all these days of bullshit and days of no reckoning, I can be confident. In a whirlwind of no change and hope and peril, my faith in my wife is sure, my resolve and other bits are firm, and our unions are not so strong and my bank account is full. (Applause, hopefully).

This country has many challenges, I being the most pressing. I will not deny, I will not ignore, I will not pass along my problems to the Democratic Congress, to the next president (Osama Bin Laden or whatever you call him), or the next generation. (Applause, hopefully.) I will confront my alcoholism on the beaches and in the fields in the cities and on the ranch, with focus and clarity and courage.

During the last two years, we have seen how I can fuck things up. To lift the standards of our public schools bla bla bla, I’m fed up with this…let me jump forward…….

We have the terrorists on the run. We're keeping them on the run. One by one, the terrorists are learning the meaning of American torture and water boarding in Gitmo and other places. (Big Applause, hopefully).

As our young men fight this war, as I failed to do in my time, I will remember skulking as a coward in a bottle during Vietnam. This government is taking unprecedented measures to protect me but the have-nots can defend themselves. I've intensified my own security as I’m as scared now as I was during Vietnam. I should be. This year, for the first time, the Chinese have told me what to do and reminded me of the trillions of $$$$$ they hold on my notes. They have even launched missiles into space to knock out our lights. (No Applause, hopefully). The question now is….how do I obey China and Israel at the same time???

I thank the Congress and the people for deserting me as I might have done anything, including WW3. I ask you tonight to add to our future security by impeaching me. (Big Applause, hopefully).

I gotta go…Barney wants me bring the food………bla,bla,bla….

Americans were a free people, who know that freedom is the right of every person and the future of every nation. The liberty you had is now gone, it is your own fault for electing a clown and drunk like me. (Bigger Applause, hopefully).

You Americans have faith in yourselves, but not in yourselves alone. Ye do not know nothing -- ye do not claim to know all the ways of a coward, yet ye can trust in Cheney, placing our confidence in his courage he found in Vietnam fighting the Gooks.

May He guide us now. And may our God continue to kill and maim all the children in Iraq and Afghanistan if I ever find it on the map. (Biggest Applause.)