DRACULA'S DAUGHTER THROWS HOOD IN RING

By Adrien Rain Burke



My Fellow Americans, I am sure you are all very surprised to see one such as I, standing before you as your candidate for the highest office in the land. At one time, a candidate needed popular support to be considered as the standard-bearer for a political party. Those dark times, when money was not granted equality with ordinary freedom of speech or a "popular mandate," are gone. I have gained the all-important financial support I need to run - and win. I am a member of the Trilateral Commission and a VERY influential, if

unmentionable, Secret Society, like any viable modern candidate, and my once-vocal opposition within the party is, well, silent.

The way before me - before us - is clear, and we will win. My illustrious Father always got what he wanted, and I inherited his tenacity. So please take off the garlic neclaces, my friends; I will not bite. . . . . . . .you. (polite laughter)

Although the once-powerful "bleeding heart" Liberal Wing of the party opposed my candidacy, you may be sure that they will never be forgotten. Their day - the day of grassroots campaigning, of debating divisive issues, and pandering to the working class, have passed into history. Although we are still perceived as the party of the Common People, we have been for some time, the "OTHER" party of The Very Rich, receiving our money and making our

pacts with the same class as the Plutocrat Party. And so we have put an end to Class Warfare, and to the economic disadvantage our candidates once suffered as a result of representing the impoverished class in a system where Money is Everything: the lifeblood of our nation.

As for the apparent drawbacks to running a Vampire for public office, the fears of the party strategists are archaic. Their superstitious prejudices will be easily overcome in the days ahead, by the obvious comparisons between me and my opponent, Godzilla.

The facts about my profession are well known: Vampires suck blood, it is quite simply the way we live. And because we need the Human Race in order to live, no one could be concerned more with the well-being of the people. I will cherish my country and its citizens as tenderly as the shepherdess cares for her flock. And I will not lie to you: Yes! I will suck your blood! It is a little thing. A necessary thing.

But my opponent, Godzilla, is another matter. He needs no one; and cares for nothing. He will destroy whole cities with a single step and crush the residents beneath his huge and heavy tread. He is a dangerous Barbarian with an apocalyptic agenda, and we dare not be sanguine about the possibility of a Plutocrat victory. The prospects for our nation and, above all, our party, are grave. As for the occasionally annoying rise of third parties - you all know that you can't throw your vote away by voting for a poverty-stricken,

bloodless third party candidate who can't even pay for a few paltry

billion-dollar hours of tv commercials. Whatever frivolous principles such a vote might satisfy, they are NOT worth the complete Destruction of Civilization.

Should any such movement arise, we have no choice but to ruthlessly crush it. Even if the candidate is the Archangel Gabriel himself. Because no matter how noble the intention, a vote for the Angels is a vote for Godzilla.

To those who would wallow in nostalgia for a Demagogue Party that feigns sympathy for the poor, the weak, the anemic, I say: Get over it! You're History. In another week or two of this Presidential race, the media will be conceding that SOME bloodsucking is probably necessary for the health of the system and might even be a good thing. Some of them (the more conservative among them) may even be willing to back Godzilla's platform for Urban Renewal, and as a boost to the construction industry. But we have the ultimate advantage: the American people, who will in the end choose the

kinder, gentler, Demagogic draining away of their energies over the Reign of Terror that a Plutocratic victory is sure to bring.The voters will not like it, but they will vote for the Demagogue party: they have no choice!

Take heart, my fellow Demagogues, The White House is as good as won!