I Eat Depleted Uranium for Breakfast

by: Donald Rumsfeld

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all these crazy conspiracy theories that have been going around about how the use of depleted uranium by our armed forces around the globe is to blame for all the world’s problems. Whether it’s a bunch of mutated babies and their crybaby parents in Iraq pointing the twelfth finger on their third hand at the 320 tons of DU we’ve scattered around their desert since 1990 for their pneumoconiosis, or the American veterans who want to shake down Uncle Sam for free treatment for their pulmonary fibrosis (and maybe a hot new sports car on the side?), I say its all a bunch of malarkey. After all, I eat depleted uranium for breakfast! And if you don’t believe me, you can ask the United Nations Scientific Committee on the Effects of Atomic Radiation, who reported that the average person ingests 0.000436 grams of uranium 238 per year. You see? And you don’t hear me complaining!

Good golly, I’m steamed.

I recently heard that there are a number of veterans who have the temerity to claim that they developed rectal cancer from sitting on the DU enriched armor plating of the M1 Abrams tanks they’d served in during the Gulf War. I know, it’s ridiculous, but it’s more than that. It’s a complete disavowal of personal responsibility - the likes of which the good people of this country have likely become used to seeing in the bourgeoning ranks of their more slovenly compatriots, but are, like me, as sick as a teenager in Kosovo with advanced osteoarthritis to see it manifest amongst our esteemed armed forces. I mean heavens to Betsy, if you’re going to smoke two packs of cigarettes, eat a big bag of Spicier Nacho Doritos, and wash it all down with a bottle of Lucky Brand whiskey everyday, you’ve got to learn to accept the consequences!

Make no mistake about it, the assertions made by such “victims” is treachery pure and simple. After all, according to the government, DU munitions are as safe as those composed of lead and copper or a sunny day at the beach. The US Army reported to Congress that, "The health risks associated with using depleted uranium in peacetime are minimal. This includes risks associated with transporting, storing and handling intact depleted uranium munitions and armor during peacetime." Notice the operative term ‘peacetime’ in that quote – implying that the whole business is of such a ludicrous nature that publicizing a report on the health risks of DU aerosolized by the explosion of such munitions on the battlefield would just be a waste of everybody’s time. And if it’s good enough for Congress, why shouldn’t it be good enough for the rest of us?

Angry yet? I know I am, gosh darn it. That’s why I support wholeheartedly the military’s policy of forcing these conniving sissies to pay for their so-called “syndromes” on their own by discharging them without benefits. Jumpin’ Jehosophat!