America's pubic relations campaign to win "Hearts and Minds" in Iraq and across the Muslim world has fallen far short of expectations, and recent events have diverted attention from our accomplishments.



In an effort to get the campaign back on track, I'm establishing a new White House Office of Pubic Relations and naming Vice President Cheney as its head. With Dick head of my Pubic Relations Office, I'm confident we can turn this all around.

The first task is to solicit input from the public on ways to convince the skeptics in Iraq and elsewhere of America's intentions. Contributions to this important effort can be in the form of catchy slogans or phrases, posters, graphics or images that convey the role of the U.S. in the Middle East and South Asia regions.

To get the ball rolling, here are a few ideas submitted by the creative folks at the Pentagon and my own White House staff. I really admire and appreciate their talent for finding the silver lining in even difficult situations, and I hope Americans from all walks of life will be equally creative in their contributions.

All contributors will be put on the preferred list for direct mail and telephone solicitations from the Republican National Committee and the Bush-Cheney Reelection Campaign, and will receive an authentic photo print of me standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier wearing my butch flight jacket with a "Mission Accomplished" banner visible as a backdrop. As a special bonus, the first 100 contributors will receive a signed photo of my Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (what a guy) touring Abu Ghraib Prison - the place where Saddam Hussein terrorized and tortured so many innocent Iraqis.

We've accomplished a lot, but much remains to be done to win the hearts and minds of the Arab world and secure the resources of the Middle East and South Asia for ourselves and our posterity. I call upon you to help make that possible. Thank you. May God bless America - and ONLY America.

Yours in Christ,

George W, Bush

This message authorized by George W. Bush and paid for with your tax dollars.



*** A FEW IDEAS FOR THE IRAQI HEARTS AND MINDS PUBIC RELATIONS INITIATIVE ***



* America - We're not quite as bad as Saddam!

* We regret the death of ALL innocent Iraqis (if in fact they really WERE innocent which of course now can't be proven and we'd deny it anyway). You know we're sincere because if they were still alive we could be collecting taxes from them.

* Every Iraqi death is regrettable, but that's what happens in war. Look on the bright side: Every Iraqi killed by the U.S. lowers the unemployment rate and helps solve the housing shortage caused by all those collapsed buildings.

* Armed Occupation - 'cause you can't ever be secure enough.

* The U.S. armed forces are in Iraq to protect it from all those terrorists out there.

* America - Fighting to keep democracy safe from the likes of you.

* What Iraq needs most is a WalMart in every town and a McDonalds on every corner. We can help!

* Many great men of history developed their character and honed their political philosophies in prison while being tortured and kept in subhuman conditions. By imprisoning and torturing thousands of innocent Iraqis, the U.S. has selflessly provided those men and women with self-improvement opportunities they otherwise might never have had. But shucks, that's okay. Glad to do it!

* Sorry for all the bombing, but hey, free metal!

* With summer coming on, all those mosques and apartment buildings will benefit from the free ventilation we're providing, compliments of American taxpayers.

* Wearing yourselves to a frazzle trying to decide what to do with all that dirty, slimy, messy old oil under your feet? Fret no more - your worries are over!

* Some people have to pay good money to get physical examinations like the ones we provide free at Abu Ghraib.

* Bomb craters make great free gravesites, and if your house is gone they're also neat places to live.

* Saddam Hussein always said Iraq was a Democratic state. Now you wouldn't want THAT again, would you?