The British used to raid homes in New England looking for terrorists, arms, and money until they got repeled by a bunch of liberals. They showed us the back of their red coats 30 years later when Andrew Jackson found them trying to sneak in the back door. The coats are now worn by the US Marine Bugle Corps.

THE WAZIRI TRIBE used to sneak in to INDIA, dress up in red coats, and take pictures of themselves running away from GHANDI. The British still contend that it was all staged but the political damage was permanent. The British were subsequently laughed off the battle field for wearing short pants.

It has been confirmed by various news sources that the surgeon general of AL QAEDA, whoever that is, is threatening to vote against President General Musharraf of Pakistan in the next election. This could be very costly for Musharraf. He should call Loyd's of London and get some more TERRORISM INSURANCE. Then I would reccommend loading as many freighters as possible with valuable Paki merchandise bound for the EU then use Paki TV to CRACK DOWN ON TERRORISM. Then kick back and watch the money roll in. My heartfelt condolences go out to the families of all the soldiers who sacraficed their lives last week, fighting for peace.

Here in the West, the Bush administration has finally done something econmicaly positive because the WAR CHEST is leaking money so fast that it may actually trickle down to the peasants and create a job or two.

Hopefully, John Kerry will save most of his money. All he needs is a pistol to shoot the lock off of that chest and a commercial indicating how effective a Bush campaign ad is. Roving gangs of wild pigs will do the rest.

A SMART KAMAKAZEE training mission in North Carolina was mistaken as an accident by several news sources Friday. The pilot is ok.

My execution was postponed Friday due to the intentional bungling of my own defense which is better than going to jail in Texas. I have been ordered by the courts to stay out of trouble and be careful OR ELSE.

Henry Cisneros invaded my TV set this morning in a sound bite. This forgotten man could be the next Housing and Urban devolopment coordinator of Palistine if things go well.

As promised, the Latino flavored voting block could turn out to be the swing block in the upcoming presidential elections in the former US. THE SLAVE VOTE has been courted by the GOP for three decades with promises of jobs and and other economic opportunities. With both sides pushing on the block it could start to swing and hit some one on the head. Who will it be? I suggest wearing hard hats in the meantime.

UNITY is suddenly apparant among the DEMOCRATS who have for all practical puposes, do bind themselves, and each of us, our heirs, and our executioners, and administrators, jointly and severally, severely, with a rope around our necks. They will hang together, or they will hang seperately.

In the far east, unarmed Chinese island hoppers were repeled by a nation that has no real military according to WHAT THEY SAID. These may have been real estate devolpment advisors, fishermen, or a STERN WARNING. The situation is murky at best. Taiwan and South Korea remain in turmoil. I have not had time to read the latest list of greivances from prisoners in the DPRK because I was trying to save my own ass last week.

Last week an ATHIEST in the US supreme court tried to argue that he would admit to the existence of god by reciting the "Pledge of Allegiance" which is the result of a massive intelligence failure. These words are included as a TERRORISM INSURANCE POLICY in the event that GODSMACK does a movie with Mel Gibson. Gibson, an outback mogul, is very handsome, as can be seen in the movie MAN WITHOUT A FACE, which was made the first time he critized the Bush administration.

I am threatening to find another registered trademark bible and paraphrase revelations on the SABBATH in tommorow's special OZZY edition of THE AMERICAN BLASPHEMER.

Dennis Miller likes to think of Hollywood as the Serenghetti Plains as he hides behind the police department and avoids live TV. THE LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH is hungry for a lie, but he is lazy and will wait until Dennis comes willfully into my jaws. America is about CONSUMERISM and no one knows more about CONSUMERISM than a lion.

Meanwhile, in a secret Finnish labratory, purely hypothetical experimentation using genetic engineering and cloning technology, are being used to determine the feasability of creating a Palestinian that can be remote control detonated by Yassir Arafat at a time of his own choosing. This development would assure that the Palestinian Authority would be able to strategicaly CRACK DOWN ON TERRORISM near an insured bank of their own choosing.

News from South America and Congress is virtually BLACKED OUT. RONALD REAGAN DECLARED WAR on CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA in the 1980's because he feared that marxists would expose US backed corruption in this area. He used TV to warn voters that we could be invaded by hostile Mexicans.

He took the war to them which still rages on. Fox Network's "America's Most Wanted" televised a US Coast Guard assasination mission to Columbia in 2001 under the command of the Bush administration who subsequently captured the Coast Guard with the DHS about a year later.

They wanted to assasinate a judge for doing what Ronald Reagan had commanded using war powers unauthorized by the constitution. Reagan concluded that because judges get paid by the government, that if he declared a war, the judge could thow away the constitution and become the government's prosecutor. No case need be considered individualy nor important.

HBO and the SOPRANOS ratted out the electricans union to the FBI last week for threatening to have an election despite the federal government. JAMES GANDOLFINI is a real person who once fought in a media war with JOHN WAYNE.

If peacenicks still don't understand how dumb it is to protest an economic summit meeting on the street it's because they have not yet mastered the art of media warfare. WARNING: MEDIA WARFARE SHOULD ONLY BE USED BY QUALIFIED EXPERTS. AVOID WHERE PROHIBITED.

And finally, don't forget to drink responsibly, always ask for a BUSH MAGIC BULLET (THE BEER THAT PREVENTS TERRORISM) at your favorite drinking establishment, which is likely to be unavaiable at this time. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE, especially bicycles and bulldozers.

by Albert Kada
Independent Terrorist Journalist
World's only publisher of computer viruses besides Microsoft.
designer of the Patriot softwareless electronic voting machine.
designer of the IONOSPHERE HOG.
Stolen from the the frequently unpublished newspaper "The American Blasphemer" please copy