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1. World becomes profoundly less complicated. Blends of color disappear to leave behind a black and white universe where all opinions can be determined unequivocally to be either right or wrong.

2. Spends breezy summer afternoon in a rowboat with George W. Bush, eating codeine sandwiches and cuddling.



3. Thwarts the unraveling of the Watergate scandal by catching Deep Throat. Is rewarded by Nixon who lets him show him what "Deep throat really means" and cums a geyser of trillion dollar bills.

4. Instead of getting a deferment for an ingrown hair follicle on his ass, fights in Vietnam and assembles a necklace made of toes.



5. Doesn't need to take a dozen Viagra pills to counteract the two dozen Oxycontin pills he's on in order to get hard.



6. Still deaf as a doorknob, no longer cares.

7. Despite constant exploitation and undermining of consumer base, profiteering by transglobal corporations able to sustain itself eternally.



8. Is swimming the backstroke in a pool of pure blue, spouting from his mouth like a fountain. Then realizes the pool is not filled with water, but Oxycontin pills.



9. Catches game winning pass from Dick Cheney to win Super Bowl for coach Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan. Reagan rewards Rush by allowing him to read him a story from the playbook.

10. Has a full head of hair and somebody who loves him.



11. Eats hot fudge sundaes, shits Vicodin.

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