Kids making your life suck by bitching about: going to bed, digging your Jacuzzi, eating their vegetables, paying for their own vaccines and dental work out of their allowances, etc.? Tell them that if they don’t do what they’re told, then a monster will crawl out from under their beds at night and tear their throats out. If they keep bitching, then smack them across the mouth.



Suggest to your poor immigrant housekeeper that she better herself with an education. When she complains that the banks won’t give her a student loan, offer to lend her the money at 25% interest. If she can’t pay you back, take her ’97 Geo Metro, liquidate all her assets and garnish her wages and those of her children for life.

Getting the vibe from your girlfriend that she might be ready to dump you? Pay some goon to beat the crap out of her brother, then promise her you’ll find the bastard who did this and kick his ass properly. Then cripple the goon with a baseball bat. She’ll love you for at least another year.

Neighbor’s dog yapping all night? Appeal to your home owners association. If they’re too weak and spineless to do anything about it, pay your Panamanian gardener five bucks to go over when they’re not home and chuck the mutt in the pool. Leave a suicide note that reads, "Woof" if you have real balls.

Kids crying about not wanting to go to your favorite Indian restaurant? Appease them by taking a vote. After they all vote for pizza instead, drive to the Indian joint anyway. When they start to bitch, tell them they can go for pizza when they get their own damn cars and learn to drive.

Tough competition for that big assistant managers’ promotion down at the apartment rental agency? Intimate to your criminally connected hoodlum brother who you alone know stole jewelry from your mother to fund his heroin habit and owes you big money that if a beloved family member of that precocious co-worker of yours were to somehow disappear without a trace for a few weeks, it might have a positive influence on his present interest rate not increasing sharply anytime soon.

Getting a little action on the side and your spouse keeps hounding you about always coming home late? Concoct some story about participating in a top secret project at work that involves incorporating emerging fundamentals of chaos theory toward projecting capability distributions of nascent wireless communications markets until his/her eyes glaze over and they drop it.

Neighbor didn’t vote for your idea for the community Easter Festival at the home owner’s association meeting? Send an anonymous tip down to the crack dealers in the park about whose husband infiltrated their ranks as an undercover nark.

Send your kids out to get jobs while you sit on your lazy ass all day and take their money to spend on parties for your other fat and equally useless friends. When you run out of money, order them to work harder.