March 21, 2003

Complacency Gazette

Baghdad, Iraq - CIA operatives among the Special Forces in Iraq have determined that this blade of grass, newly sprung near Baghdad, represents a threat to George Bush on account of its being alive.

Special Forces first suspected the existence of the blade of grass when a marine spotted something green growing in the killing fields of Iraq. Richard Pearle, interviewed by this reporter, said, "At first I couldn't believe it." Later, in a private conversation, he confided, "It really, really made me mad!" Pearle is reputed to have recommended to the President the dropping of a nuclear bomb on the blade of grass, but, advised by his PR personnel to show a kinder, gentler side to the public, lest he be construed to be a menace to life, the President ordered Special forces to merely pluck the blade of grass and take it to Camp X-ray to be interrogated about its ties to Osama bin Laden.

Paul Wolfowitz commented about the capture, "Life, Anywhere, is a threat to death, Everywhere." Following Wolfowitz, Tom Ridge asserted about this capture that "This is the most significant capture of a terrorist suspect that has been made to date. I want to assure everyone that, based on what the blade of grass will be telling us under torture, we will be hunting blades of grass all over this country and all over the world. Blades of grass have been put on the terrorist list, and they will remain there until kingdom come, which shouldn't be too long now." In a Whitehouse press conference, spokesman Ari Fliescher asked reporters to remind citizens to be wary of any suspicious activity, such as the flourishing of life, and to report anything unusual using the 1-800 number provided by Operation Tips. Echoing Tom Ridge, he said, "With the help of the public, this administration hopes to rid this planet of anything living within a matter of days." The press conference ended with the reporters stabbing their arms into the air, palms down, and chanting "Bush is my master / I am his voice!" over and over again.



Thank you George Bush. You rid the world of evildoers, and I can rest a lot easier now. May you be raptured soon.

Thanks Again,

Gullible Citizen # 1,000,000