In a joint press conference yesterday, Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and HUD Secretary Mel Martinez announced a new Homeland Security alert, and their proactive response. "Terrorism is a real threat," said Ridge in his opening remarks. "How real a threat is depends on our response to it." Martinez remarked "Our policy of interagency cooperation began with a joint project with NASA(See Homeless on the Moon). We are happy that the administrations response to this new threat, in keeping with our 'compassionate conservative' diktat, will leave no man behind.

Threat level raised to "Lamb's Blood;" Meat Council to benefit

Code Orange warnings resulted in binge buying of duct tape and plastic wrap last week. "There wasn't a roll of duct tape to be found in any store in the USA." Ridge said his analysts were quick to catch on, and within four hours had a product tie-in strategy on his desk. The appendix, a file the size of the yellow pages, is crammed with powerpoint presentations of economic forecast data.

"We plan to highlight marginal products throughout the coming year," Ridge said. Home Depot stock shot up four points in trading friday as a result of sales. This point was not missed by leading industry consortiums, who have qeued up to sign on. First in line is the U.S. Meat Council. "You wouldn't believe how much lamb's blood we've got, languishing in warehouses and silos throughout the country," said Dan Jeffers, head of the Meat Council. The angel of death won't be doing much for the terrorists tonight."

"In addition to heightening public awareness, bring citizen participation into the fight of good against evil, and protect the sanctity of our first born," Ridge said as he called Jeffers to the podium, "it has the added benefit of doing our part to stimulate the economy."

Doors for the Doorless

Mel Martinez, Secretary of HUD then spoke. "But let it not be said that we are leaving out the least of these." Martinez unveiled a new stream of funding, linked to the Supportive Housing Program. "We are announcing a Super-NOFA(Notice of Funding Availability) Working in partnership with the Department of Homeland Security, the Meat Council, and Home Depot. We promise a door -- soaked in the blood of the lamb -- for each and every American."

Realizing that affordable doors are still a challenge for the poorly funded agency, he did lay out priorities for the program. "In consultation with Mr. Ridge, we are giving first priority to the mentally ill. It is a shame that our country so undervalues this resource." Both Ridge and Martinez noted that the mentally ill were the first to respond to the Code Orange alert last week. "They lead the way for all of America to follow."

Some details remain unfinished, even as the program takes off. "We're not certain how we will deal with immigrants and visitors," Ridge admitted, "Though it has been suggested that removing their doors and giving them to the homeless, has benefits, we have not completely thought it through." The Department of Justice was not available for comment by press time.