“I LOVE THE SMELL OF WOOL IN THE MORNING.”

by Gene Wheeler Dec. 31st, 2002

During a press conference at the Bush home in Crawford, Texas this morning without warning President Bush's pants caught on fire. Fortunately for Mr. Bush, several Secret Service agents were close by and were able to help the President to Stop Drop and Roll. A pantless Bush, surrounded by agents, was whisked away out a back door of the makeshift pressroom. The podium remained empty. Although, Mr. Bush was flanked by his cabinet and staff, on one in would come forward. They all stood frozen, staring straight ahead as if they were afraid to speak. It wasn't until a brave unidentified female member of the press walked up to the podium pulled the microphone toward her and announced; "I guess this things over?" That started a stampede of cabinet members and staffers through every exit imaginable, leaving the reporters behind.

The President called the news conference to wish America a happy New Year and to talk about the upcoming year. Mr. Bush was about halfway through his speech when he said that he had his fellow Americans best interests at heart. That's when a strange look came over the President's face. He stopped speaking, stepped to the left of the podium and began beating his pants at a furious rate. Flames were clearly visible. An audible "Ohhh" could be heard coming from the audience. Alert Secret Service agents rushed to Mr. Bush's aid. The whole incident was over in a matter of seconds.

The first part of the President's speech promised more tax cuts, more security, more police presence, more cooperation between law enforcement agency, more surveillance, more money for the military, more detainments, more arrests. It was when he said that he was doing these things, because he was concerned about the people of America that the trouble started. The press was hoping to hear the rest of the speech and get updates about the President's condition from Ari Fliesher, but he was the first one through an exit never to return. A White House press corps was left to interview its self.

Of those in the press that remained, here are some of the more notable quotes:

Jay Goodman, NBC News, "Spontaneous combustion, the only way to explain it."

John "Moonie" Jones, The Washington Times, "Terrorist, I tell you! Terrorist!

Reginald Washington, BET, "I couldn't see because the podium was in the way, but from my vantage point the President seemed to be introducing a new dance."

Mary Williams, The Washington Post, "There needs to a proper investigation."

John Case Independent News, "I'll tell you what happened. The asshole was lying. Plain and simple!"

The pants have been flown back to the FBI lab in Washington, D.C. for analysis. President Bush is resting comfortably at Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas.