A Winnable “War”

Recognizing the profound and disturbing deficit of viable strategies for American involvement in Iraq and the Middle East, I assembled together some of the interesting insights found in the average living room on a Sunday afternoon. Sometimes, they say, simplicity is perfection.

What emerged was a brilliant plan to secure the safe and comfortable withdrawal of US troops, the proliferation and permanency of democracy in Iraq and throughout the Middle East, while also providing substantial and long-term profits for America.

1. Build fast food restaurants throughout every major city in Iraq and Afghanistan, at 1000 metre intervals.

2. Build coffee cafés throughout Iraq and Afghanistan at 300 metre intervals.

3. Install free, high speed, wireless, internet hotspots at each location.

4. Distribute wi-fi enabled computers to every person in both countries.

5. Build Disneyland Baghdad and Six Flags over Kabul.

Between online chats, blogs, shopping (and possibly free porn), arterial plaque build-up and obesity, caffeine jitters, and the incessant wheedling of small children demanding “very jolly” meals, soda pop, and thrilling amusement park adventures (to include The Magic Carpet Derby and Spinning Hookah Ride), very little time, thought, interest, or even resources, would be left for the plotting of, much less participation in, terrorist or insurgent activities.

If America wants Iraq, and the Middle East, to enjoy its’ form of “democracy,” then enabling and promoting self-indulgence and prolific, mindless, consumption and consumerism, will surely win more hearts (plaque included) and minds (absorbed in creating online photo albums, although with burkas on it’s hard to tell who’s who) than trying to sell political ideology and dogma at the end of a gun.

It worked in Russia, it will work in the Middle East. So here’s to the McFalafel, the Mesopotamian Roast Espresso, turbans with Mickey Mouse ears, and all of the other trappings of democracy.