Revisions to Army Field Manual (Interrogation)

Insert between pages 666 and 667.

Includes torture techniques now approved for general use to coerce those citizens and non-citizens certified by the President of the United States or by the Secretary of Defense as unlawful enemy combatants ("a person who has engaged in hostilities or who has purposefully and materially supported hostilities against the United States or its co-belligerents who is not a lawful enemy combatant").

Additional pages will be issued shortly. They are expected to include other useful interrogation methods including:

• Sleep deprivation, perfected by witch-finder Matthew Hopkins, who secured 200 to 400 confessions. Interrogators should expect to use simple bell caps (among other musical tools), which, when secured to the prisoner's head, rings a loud bell whenever the prisoner relaxes their neck in preparation for sleeping.
• We also anticipate issuing straight belts, used to hold the prisoner's wrists securely to their waist.
• We are reviewing the noise-maker's fife, which straps a collar to the prisoner's neck and pinches their fingers into vises on either side of a horizontal pole extending from the collar.
• Interrogators will be issued pears of anguish as soon as we can attach a limiter to the current model, which unfortunately allows the vagina, anus, or mouth to be torn beyond acceptable limits.