President Bush today issued his latest revisions on what constitutes a "crime" on the outing of CIA agent Valery Plame. Vowing to "remove all doubts that his Administration is tough on crime," Bush announced that anyone convicted of the crime of leaking vital personal data of CIA agents--including their social security numbers, weights & heights, their astrological signs, and/or their underwear sizes--will be seriously reprimanded, and in severe cases, those convicted will have their vacation leaves cut in half or more, if need be.
Once again, the White House will set the toughest standards on fighting leaks of CIA agents' names. In a hastily called press conference, invited journalists from the FOX network, as well as embedded news writers at Clear Channel stations and Rupert Murdoch's papers were on hand to hear first hand pronouncements from Mr. Bush that "he means business." Stating that no one is above the law--"except in cases where Attorney General Alberto Gonzales opines that the binding statues are 'quaint' or irrelevant"--Mr. Bush insists that those convicted of serious crimes "will be dealt with seriously," including the possibility of dishonorable discharge from government service, reduction of their Federal employees' retirement benefits, increased chances of being audited by the IRS, and--in the case of heinous crimes--even prolonged confinement(up to 4 months of 'hard mental labor' to 'Club Fed' detention centers for white-collar crimes. Of course, Mr. Bush said, "We want to make sure that no innocent victim is unnecessarily punished, so we insist that a minimum of 5 live witnesses have to formally testify to the alleged crime, and all accused defendants will have to face a jury of their peers. In Mr. Rove's case, that will be a panel of White House employees to be appointed by either Vice President Cheney or myself, who--by virtue of our swearing on top of the Bible on Inauguration Day--will be absolutely impartial in judging the integrity of the jurors. In addition, based on the recommendation of Secretary Rumsfeld, the presiding judge shall be Major General Miller, the impeccably stern disciplenarian of Guantanamo & Abu Ghraib fame. Hence, the public will be assured that true justice will be served, because after September 11, our nation deserves our utmost efforts in confronting the crimes of terrorism, and our War on Terror is part of our noble task to bring freedom and democracy to the World. God Bless America and Good Night."
Original: W updates decision on 'Plame-gate' leak