First North Korea, now Vieques!

The main opposition group in Vieques, Puerto Rico announced today it has developed advanced nuclear weapons and stockpiled huge reserves of chemical and biological agents with which it hopes to deter further armed US attacks on that tiny island. A spokesman for the Vieques opposition group stated it was not bound by the 1994 Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty since the US had abrogated that treaty and Puerto Rico is part of the US.

Today's stunning announcement, which came close on the heels of a similar admission by North Korea, has thrown Pentagon planners into confusion about how to deal with this new threat on America's doorstep. An initial plan to seize the island by putting inhabitants to sleep with one of the military's new tranquilizer gas weapons had to be cancelled when the Viequens issued a communique stating that the island's Strategic Alert Team had instructions to launch a missile strike as soon as anyone began feeling drowsy.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reacted by calling the Viequens "A bunch of unpatriotic whiners," who he said "don't even deserve to be Americans. Weren't they taught that it's a privilege to die for their country?" he fumed. A high-ranking Pentagon official who spoke on condition of anonymity said an all-out invasion of Vieques was not presently on the table because of the effect on tourism that could result from a retaliatory nuclear strike on Disneyland. "The problem is extraordinarily complex," he said, "We're not that concerned about the PEOPLE of Florida, most of whom are old anyway, but if tourism dies, we won't have a market for all that Iraqi oil, and a nuclear counterstrike by Vieques could have quite a disruptive effect on the Florida elections, not to mention the stake our intelligence agencies have in South Florida airfields."

The White House has declined comment pending further consultation with Defense Department analysts, although there are reports Tony Blair may schedule a special session of Parliament to promote strong UK support for the US. "This is a truly frightening development." said a Blair aide, "Britain must not allow Viequens to threaten the US just because it needs them for target practice."