Bush urges Diamondbacks to take a dive for national unity

An unnamed source in the White House stated today that White House representatives held an emergency meeting with Arizona Diamondbacks general manager Joe Garagiola Jr., Monday night, urging his team to throw the World Series in the seventh game, to show the country's support the people of New York City and for the sake of national unity.

"At a time like this, the country really needs to come together and show the bad guys that's it's business as usual in New York City and around the country," the source said. "The American people need to understand that baseball is another important front in this war on terrorism, which is being fought like no previous war.

"Anyway, how could any flag-waving, apple pie-eating, red-blooded, baseball-loving American want to beat the Yankees right now?"

He said that President George Bush sees several benefits to the country if the Diamondbacks let the Yankees win.

Informal betting on the black market, between friends and in office pools would likely drop significantly if the public knows in advance that the Yankees are going to win. This could boost the lagging economy by increasing the amount of money in the pockets of American consumers, which they could in turn spend in shops or for on-line purchases. "Retailers are already concerned about a holiday spending downturn, so this couldn't happen at a better time," he said.

In addition, viewing and listening to games, pre-game shows and sports talk radio during work hours would also be likely to decrease if the outcome is already known. This would lead to productivity gains, although he admitted any such gains were unlikely to be adequate to prevent a recession.

It would also be a morale booster. Ensuring that the series runs the full seven games provides certainty for the American public at a time when many people feel insecure and are worried about the future. "No one will have to wonder whether there will be baseball the next day - we'll all know in advance whether there will be or not."

The source denied that Bush's effort to have the Diamondbacks throw the game was intended as any kind of slur against Senator John McCain of Arizona, who opposed him in the presidential primary and supports campaign finance reform.

He also denied categorically that there were any efforts afoot in the White House to have the Environmental Protection Agency Eagles employee softball team throw its season opener against the Pentagon Hawks next spring.