NEWSFLASH: SANTA DOES NOT EXIST<\/b><\/p>\r\n
Author: Stephen DeVoy<\/b><\/p>\r\n
NORTH POLE - For more than 100 years American\r\nchildren have been led to believe that a fat old elf riding a reindeer pulled\r\nsleigh makes an urgent trip each and every Christmas eve, depositing gifts down\r\nthe chimneys of all good little girls and boys. All superficial evidence\r\nsupports the theory that Santa does exist: parents behave as though he exists,\r\nschools fail to address the issue as if it were a non issue, the media portrays\r\nSanta Claus as a real being, and even NORAD reports his trips on Christmas\r\nEve. Nevertheless, there are those CONSPIRACY THEORISTS out there who\r\nconjecture that Santa Claus is hyper-bogus with a bogosity\r\nof more than 1000 microLenats. \r\nDerided as tinfoil hat wearing moonbats with a belief in black helicopters,\r\nthese CONSPIRACY THEORISTS who doubt the existence of Santa Claus are called\r\neverything from \"Grinches\" to subversives.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
In an effort to settle the question of whether or not\r\nSanta Claus exists once and for all, our crack team of private investigators has\r\nbeen probing into the Santa Question for more than a year now. The\r\nfollowing is a synopsis of our conclusions.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
Santa\r\nis said to be the overlord of a village of enslaved elves living at the North\r\nPole. We sent a team to visit the North Pole to confirm the existence of\r\nSanta's Village. Before we departed, we bought a map\r\nof the North Pole and were shocked to find that the North Pole lies smack-dab in\r\nthe middle of an ocean. \"Perhaps there is a secret Island on the\r\nNorth Pole?\" we thought. Upon arriving at the North Pole we found an\r\nice-sheet, completely vacant save a boatload of wealthy tourists visiting via a\r\nRussian ship. The \"moonbats\" were correct, at least on this one:\r\nthere is no Santa's Village at the North Pole.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
If Santa's Village did not exit, we could not inspect\r\nthe elf slave camps and their accompanying sweatshops. At a loss for how\r\nto verify whether or not elves make Santa's presents, we sought the advice of\r\nsomeone with an IQ above 100 who suggested that we interview a random sample of\r\nchildren, ask to see their gifts, and look for the \"made in\" labels,\r\ncounting just how many were made at the North Pole. Another rather\r\nintelligent person suggested that we use that opportunity to gather information\r\non the value of the gifts given to each specific child and then conduct an\r\ninvestigation into whether each specific child was naughty or nice. If the\r\nchildren were not awarded such that there was a direct relationship between\r\ntheir position on the naughty-niceness scale and the\r\nvalue-of-gifts-for-that-child scale, then another of the major tenants of the\r\nSanta Theory would be disproved.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
A random sample of 100,000 childen was selected and a\r\ncrack team of 1000 volunteers was sent out to interview these children. \r\nWhat we found amazed us. First of all, not a single gift was \"made in\r\nthe North Pole.\" Some where made in Canada, but Canada does not\r\nextend to the North Pole. The vast majority were made in China where the\r\nSanta Legend is largely not believed. Moreover, rather than being made by\r\nelves, we found that most toys were made by (a) slave prison-camp labor in\r\nChina, (b) hyper-exploited sweatshop labor in Latin America, or (c) child labor\r\nin India. No elves were found to be involved in the process of producing\r\nthe toys.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
We called each of the companies involved in the\r\nmanufacture of the toys and all confirmed that Santa Claus was not a\r\nclient. Moreover, all manufactures made it absolutely clear that toys were\r\nonly provided in exchange for cash or other monetary instruments. Someone\r\nhad to pay for those toys. The question was, \"Who?\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n
Our first clues about the source of the cash behind\r\nthe toys came when we noticed an interesting correlation, one that had nothing\r\nto do with being naughty or nice. Indeed, one might say that the naughtier\r\nchildren were more likely to receive the best gifts! For example, we\r\nvisited Tyrone Jackson, a young boy in Atlanta, Georgia whose father was\r\nunemployed and whose mother had died when he was two to show us last year's\r\nChristmas gifts. With tears in his eyes, Tyrone explained that he had\r\nreceived no gifts the previous Christmas. Tyrone seemed like a very nice\r\nboy. He was polite and very grown up for his age. We were not\r\nwilling to believe without proof that Tyrone deserved a Christmas without toys\r\nso we asked his neighbors about him and they all praised him endlessly. He\r\ntook out the trash for the old lady in the apartment upstairs. He helped\r\nother children with their homework. He was very loved in his apartment\r\nbuilding. Next we went to his school to look at his school records and\r\nfound he was no trouble what-so-ever. Clearly, Tyrone was a very nice boy\r\nand he should have received Santa's nicest gifts, but he didn't! This\r\ncould be just an oversight on Santa's part, so we decided to look at how other\r\nchildren faired.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
Thurston Williams of Boston, MA showed us a treasure\r\ntrove of gifts he received the previous Christmas. He went on and on about\r\nhow he was such a great kid and how he deserved the toys he received, telling\r\nhis sister to \"shut the fuck up\" when she interrupted him and asking\r\nour cameraman how it felt to be a \"nigger?\" His neighbors said\r\nhe threw rocks at their windows and his school reported that many complaints had\r\nbeen lodged against him for his arrogant behavior. Here we had another\r\ncounter example. Thurston, a total-dick-wad, received the best gifts we\r\nhad encountered but he was a very naughty boy. We took a look at his\r\nparents' finances and found that he family was very wealthy.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
We hypothesized that the quality and quantity of\r\ngifts given to any specific child were a function of the income of that child's\r\nparents. Armed with this hypothesis, we re-tasked our crack team of\r\ninvestigators to look into the economic background of the family of each child\r\ninvestigated and what we found astounded us. Indeed, our hypothesis was\r\ntrue, the quality and quantity of gifts received by any child were wholly a\r\nfunction of their family's income and not a function of the naughty vs. nice\r\nfactor of the children involved.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
Armed with this information, we kidnapped the parents\r\nof these children and subjected them to \"special questioning.\" \r\nUsing truth-inducing drugs, each and every parent admitted that Santa was a hoax\r\nand that they actually went out and bought the gifts for their children, while\r\nlying and telling the children that Santa was for real! This was the final\r\nstraw: Santa did not exist!<\/b><\/p>\r\n
When news of our coming publication of this story\r\nspread, we received numerous death threats from the owners of toy manufacturing\r\nplants, mall retail toy outlets, and even advertisers: all concerned that\r\nrevealing the truth about Santa Claus would ruin their businesses. We\r\nexpected this, but what we did not expect was a visit by Homeland Security and\r\nanother by the FBI. We were threatened with declarations of \"Enemy\r\nCombatant\" and \"indefinite detention in the Guantanamo Concentration\r\nCamp\" if we came out with the story. Bush himself summoned us to the\r\nWhite House and demanded that we not release this story.<\/b><\/p>\r\n
George Bush explained it to us this way, he said,\r\n\"Ya know, it is important to national security that 'Mericans grow up\r\nbelieving in lies. We rely upon the ignorance of 'Mericans to protect the\r\nUnited States from foreign bogie-men! If y'all tell the truth 'bout Santa,\r\nnext thing we know Children will be callin' al-Qaeda fake too!\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n
Out of a knee-jerk sense of patriotism, we nearly\r\ncaved in, but a prominent psychologist wrote us and urged us to go\r\nforward. \"For generations,\" he wrote, \"Poor children have\r\nbeen deceived into thinking they are bad and rich children have been deceived\r\ninto thinking they are good, all in the name of making money! You've got\r\nto put an end to this!\"<\/b><\/p>\r\n
As journalists, we believe we have a duty to tell the\r\ntruth so we have decided to publish this story anyway. No doubt the agents\r\nof oppression will do their best to deride us as tinfoil wearing moonbats, but\r\nwe can take it. The truth is just too important!<\/b><\/p>\r\n
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